Radio Kaka responible for this one!

4 Marriages 
 

The local news station was interviewing an80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

beer_advert.jpg

 

Posted by Radio Kaka (9-10-09)

Married in Heaven:

On their way to get married a young Catholic couple was involved in a

fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the

Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven While

waiting they began to wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in

heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone

has asked. "Let me go find out" and he left. The couple sat and

waited for an answer....

.. for a couple of months. While they waited they discussed the pros

and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven should they

get married what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it

doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat

bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "You can get married in

Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering what

if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St.

Peter was red-faced with anger and slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a

priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???


 

Posted by Shaggi (3-4-09)

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
> >
> > She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her
> > they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
> >
> > 'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so
> > the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
> >
> > After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
> > filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
> >
> > She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told
> > her husband when he came home.
> >
> > He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
> > curtains so that you can see for yourself'.
> >
> > The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
> > 'Do you shave?'
> >
> > 'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
> > you have hairs?'
> >
> > 'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
> >
> > When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'
> >
> > 'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'
> >
> > 'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'
> >
> > 'I know', he said, 'but the f*cking darts team hadn't'!
 

Posted by Pert Arse (16 Sept 08)

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

Posted by Dogsy (28-July 08)

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
why are women like clouds? eventually they disappear and its a really nice day
------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'no way, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez  mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

 

Posted by Karma (24-June 08)

Two businessmen in Liverpool - were sitting down for a break in their  soon-to be new store.

> As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick sod is going

> to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious  passer by walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scouse

> accent Asked 'Wot yer sellin ere den' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

> Without skipping a beat, the Scouser said, 'Yer doin well ... only two left!'

> Businessmen - God bless them - should not mess with Scousers.

>Posted by Karma (24-June 08)

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden

while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his willy, and they were

 told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them  would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of  spiritual purity.

>>> The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from  all the

>>> priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

>>> Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up........then all the other bells  started to ring.

Posted by Pert Arse

DID YOU KNOW

*1.* If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I wonder who got paid to figure that out?)

*2.* A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

*3.* A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.)

*4.* A male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the ...?!)

*5.* The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

*6.* Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life -- quality over quantity.)

*7.* The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm....)

*8.* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like

that.)

*9.* Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

*10.* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Posted by Pert Arse

Mr. Thomas goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. I can't get it up for my wife any more. Do I need one of those erectile dysfunction pills or something?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself, Mr. Thomas," said the doctor calmly. "Come back tomorrow with your wife and I'll see what I can do."

The next day Mr. Thomas returned with his wife.

The doctor looked at the wife and said, "Mrs. Thomas, please take off all your clothes. Now turn around. Now the other way. Now lie down, please. Now roll over. I see. Okay, thank you. You may get dressed now."

The doctor took Mr. Thomas aside.

"Mr. Thomas, you're in perfect health. She doesn't do anything for me either!"

Posted
by Pert Arse

A psychiatry student got permission from the mental institution's administration to interview some patients for a paper he was writing.

On the first floor, he saw a woman swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm practicing my swing," she replied. "I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a pro golfer."

On the second floor, the student saw a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

"What are you doing?"he asked.

"I'm practicing my swing," the patient answered.. "I'm cured and when I get out next week I intend to become a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was getting a handle on things and that his paper would be a success ... until, that is, he got to the third floor.

There he found a naked man thrusting his member in and out of a jar of peanuts.

He asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm never getting out of here," exclaimed the patient. "I'm f*˘king nuts!"

Posted by Pert Arse

I sent my mother a photo of me the other day. I could only find one of me in the nude so I tore it in half and sent her the top part. A few days later she phoned and said at first she didn't recognise me. My nose had grown and the moustache didn't suit me. Moustache? I went and looked at the part of the photo I had left and realized I had sent her the wrong half.

 

 

Posted 6th April Golden Cascade

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......


 
Posted 6th April Stiffanny

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio


 1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!
What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:  "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night ike this."
 

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing
each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
 

Posted 6th Sept. Stuart

God created 0rgasms so that women could moan even when they are happy!

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly 

 

 

 

 

Posted 24th June Hollow

Subject:       This is too good - A classic!!!
 
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much and I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"


So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b!tch knows I'm smarter than her
                                     "EP".

 
 
Posted 20th June Stiff 
Subject: Viagra

Very interesting piece on the newest medical research and marketing.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name for Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepoken.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Coca Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Coke will market the new concoction by the name of:"Mount&Do".

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

 

Posted 20th June Stiff 
Subject: Fw: There was this dwarf with a speech problem:

 

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now... can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horse. He holds him there for a couple
of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"
 
 
Posted 15th June Stiff 

Subject: Dead Nuns

Three nuns die and go to heaven. At the Gate, they are met by St. Peter. He says, Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

    The first nun says, I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she's gone

 

The second says, I want to be Madonna.and *poof* she's gone

  

The third says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.

    St. Peter looks perplexed. Who?

    Sara Pipalini,replies the nun.

    St. Peter shakes his head and says, I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.

    The nun then shows him a newspaper cutting.

    He reads the paper and starts laughing. No sister.

This is the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.

 

Posted 15th June Stiff 

Subject: American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
 things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
 now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
 while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 
WITNESS: July 18th.
 
ATTORNEY: What year?
 
WITNESS: Every year.
 _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 
WITNESS: I forget.
 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
 
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
 _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

 WITNESS: We both do.
 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 
WITNESS: We do.
 
ATTORNEY: You do?
 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ___________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
 ________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 
WITNESS: Uh....
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 
WITNESS: None.
 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 
WITNESS: By death.
 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 
WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
WITNESS: Huh?
 ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

Posted 30th May Stiff 

Subject: The Birds and The Bees

>> This is the modern way of explaining the birds and the bees.

>> A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

>> The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find  out anyway!>>

>> Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I  set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

>> We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a  download from my hard drive.

>> As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of  us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete  button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said

>> ..............You've Got Male."

Posted 30th May Stiff 

To all my friends that can read or who are married to fishermen!
> > A little something to read :-

> > One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of  fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the  lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short  distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
> Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman  and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

> "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't it obvious?") "You're  in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

> "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

> "Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start  at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says  the woman.

> "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could  start at any moment."

> "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

> > MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also > think.

Posted 30th May Stiff 

These are genuine clips from British Council tenants, complaining to their council about problems with their flats.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50%of the walls are damp,50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my draws.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children untill it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
 
Posted 9th April Dogs
 
Posted 25th Mar Elephant Arse
Subject: Beer
When  you think about having a beer ,   beware .....

Recently, Harvard scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing was considered necessary   !!!
 

Posted 15th Mar Elephant Arse

Subject: Blow jobs
Blow Job Etiquette (a female's perspective)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard deep throat had been done. And additionally, do  you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so  no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave  me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like  my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the    moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is  inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

Blow Job Etiquette (a male's perspective)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.   Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some  action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Posted 15th Mar Stiff
Subject: Drugs
 
Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This is a very dangerous practice and is known as "E by Gum"
 
Posted 15th Mar Hollow
Subject: Trousers
 Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
>"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.>
>"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."
>
>"I told her: "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will!"
>
>Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.
>
>Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
>
>Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
>
>"Exactly" replied Jack.
>
>"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
>
>Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
>"Try these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.
>"Exactly" replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."         

Posted 14th Mar Hollow & Kalma K
Subject: FW: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE?

> A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp  partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

> Two blonde genies appear, with the most beautiful slow drawl southern  states accents and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The
> guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next  thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded By 50  beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore  the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks  down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a  knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons  dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest  tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's  dead.>
> The Klansmen walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their  hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one: "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him  wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a  black man is beyond me....."
>Posted 14th Mar  Golden Cascade
Snow in Jamaica
>
> A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
> Upon arriving, she meets a well-endowed black man, and after a night> of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
>
> "I can't tell you," the black man says.
>
> Every night they meet and every night she asks him again  what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
>
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
>
> I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me," says the black man.
>
> "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
>
> "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
>
> The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
>
> The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name.I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!" 

Posted 15th Dec  Stiffanny
Vegetables

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

>>One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

>>The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

>>The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so   much."

>>The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks  she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

>>One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

>>"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Posted 15th Dec  Dogs
Some quotes
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
 
   Lynn Lavner

  "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
  Camille Paglia

  "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
  George Burns

  "Women might be able to fake orgasms...but, men can fake a whole
relationship."
  Sharon Stone

  "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
  Tiger Woods

  "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
  Jack Nicholson

   "Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks, or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
  Barbara Bush

   "Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
  Robin Williams

  "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
  Billy Crystal

  "According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful."
  Robert De Niro

   "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So, what's the problem?"
   Dustin Hoffman

  "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
  Jerry Seinfeld

   "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
  Robin Williams

  " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
  Joan Rivers

   " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
  Steve Martin

  " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
  Emo Phillips

  " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
  Oscar Wilde

  " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
married."
  George Burns
 

Posted 30th Nov  From Elephant Arse
Women explained by engineers

 
   

 
Posted 26th Nov  From Elephant Arse
Wales

 
   
Man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, And asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
 
The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man Standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half"
 
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way You got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  "Where are you from, son?"
 
"Wales, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Wales?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and Rugby Players back home."
 
"Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from Wales."
 
"No shit?!" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?
 

Posted 22nd Nov  From Elephant Arse
The "F" Word
 
    (Correct use of  the "F" word)
    When  is @#$% Acceptable?


There  are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has  
been  considered acceptable for use.

They are as  follows:  

11.  "What  the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"   

--  Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912  

   
10.  "What the @#$% was that?"  
--  Mayor Of Hiroshima,  1945  

9.  "Where  did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"   
--  Custer, 1877  

 
8.  "Any  @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."   
--  Einstein, 1938  

 
7.  "It  does so @#$%ing look like her!"  
--  Picasso, 1926  

 
6.  "How  the @#$%
did you work that out?"   
--  Pythagoras, 126 BC  


5.  "You  want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"   
--  Michelangelo, 1566  


4.  "Where  the @#$% are we?"  
--  Amelia Earhart, 1937  

 
3.  "Scattered  @#$%ing showers,
my ass!"  
--  Noah, 4314 BC  


2.  "Aw  c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"   
--  Bill Clinton, 1998  


and  a drum roll please............!



  


 
1.  "Geez,  I didn't think

they'd  get this

@%#*^ing  mad."  

--  Saddam Hussein, 2003


Posted 20th Nov  From Elephant Arse
"Jewish Couple"
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the  reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
 "Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
 "No." says the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
 "Could lead to dancing."
 

Posted 11th Nov  From Eager Beaver

Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted! to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.


 

Posted 18th Oct - Dogs Bollox
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP…...

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a good job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is great in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is vitally important that these four women don't know each other.

Posted 1st Nov  From Elephant Arse

The Scotsman
 
Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction.

:Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist.

"Er, what aboot if ye nay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds."

The Scotsman scratches his chin a while.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one  o' yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetic ?"

The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful.  However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds."

"Och, tha's still a tad too much for me purse.  I'll tell yer what, man.  How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin', "  said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Errr, well, OK,"  said the dentist.  " It'll be good for the students I suppose.  Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds."

"Now yer talkin'  laddie.  It's a deal","said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday...?"

 

Posted 18th Oct - Dogs bollox

Posted 22nd Sept  From Eager Beaver

Convict

 A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

 While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells< BR> you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too

Posted 21st Sept  From Eager Beaver

Relationships

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

 One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey.

 

Posted 1st Sept  From Elephant Arse

The Wine Opener

Posted 1st Sept  From Elephant Arse
Quotes about sex
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions! to late x condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry
Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 
 
Posted 30th August  From Elephant Arse
A GOOD AUSTRALIAN WIFE
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
 
Terry had married a woman from New Zealand, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
 
Jimmie had married a woman from Croatia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,  thedishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
 
The third man Sonny, had married an Australian girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he  didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
God Bless Australian Women
 

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting! in a bar.

 

Posted 26th August  From Elephant Arse
WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting! in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender  says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are  you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million


Muslims  and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one  CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Posted 25th August  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Laptop Blonds (Click on picture)

Posted 22nd August  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Girls night out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both  were very faithful and loving wives.. however, they had  gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk,  walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the  cemetery.
 
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she  would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a  rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but  was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did  their business they proceeded to go  home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was  concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed  hung over, so he phoned the other husband and  said, "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to  suspect the worst...my wife came home with  no panties!"  "That's nothing" said the other  husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her butt  that said "From all of us at the Fire Station.We'll never forget  you."

 

Posted 19th August  From Dogs Bollox
Subject: For all MCP´s - Feminist Protest meeting - check out the yellow banner

Posted 8th August  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Business Trip
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.
 
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
 
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

 

Posted 8th August  From Elephant Arse
Subject: In the bushes
A man walking home late at night sees a woman in the shadows.  "Twenty dollars . . "she whispers. 
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.  So they hid in the bushes.  They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . it's a police officer. 
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." 
"Well," says the man, "neither did I, until you shone that light  in her face" .
 
Posted 1st August  From Elephant Arse
Subject: The Romantic Sailor

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome
young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to
Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of
you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island
Ferry."

Posted 16th July  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Blow-jobs
The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.
 
7% said they most enjoyed the sensations.
 
5% confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.
 
88% said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.
 
Posted 13th July  From Dogs Bollox
Subject: Bells

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie  went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had  died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were  making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother  that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking  for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,  realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was  when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right  rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on  the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

Posted 7th July  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Golf
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had 
just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a  bee 
sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the  clubhouse 
for help and to complain.

Her golf  pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you 
back in so  early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she  said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between  the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded  knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Posted 6th July  From Elephant Arse
Subject: Airport security

If you are flying anywhere in the near future, you might be interested in knowing about the new airport security now in use.

When the page loads, move your mouse over the entire image of the traveler.

Posted 6th July  From Elephant Arse
 

GIRL’S DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2003. 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I  just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

 BLOKES DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2003.

My football team was relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Posted 1st July  From Hollow

>>These are things people actually said in court - So they say!

>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,  he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral
>
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh?
>
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
>law.
 

  David Vincent 
 
 

 

Posted 1st July  From Elephant Arse

 

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas.He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

 After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

 The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead"

 Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli.

 The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.

 The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too"
 

Posted 25 June From El Cid

 

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"   Man: "No thanks" Boy: "My dad's outside"
Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250
 

In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Fine"


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says "I can't I sold them." The father asks, "How much  did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1000" and the father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have you confess."
 

They go to the church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says "Dark in here."
The priest says "Don't start that shit again"

     

 

Posted 25 June From Elephant Arse

Fresh Mustard.

(This is a true story, shared by a first time father. If you have children you will probably relate to this.)

I Love Mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.
It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard "Poupon."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger  replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,  "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and  potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" 
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit . Someone has stolen the tent."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

CATHOLIC  PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.  
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.  

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.  You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.  "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she! saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.  Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.  Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!"

 

Joke 17 From Elephant Arse Subject:Dave
Dave  works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.  His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave!  How ya  doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to  this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.  His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine,  Honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table,  throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey.  Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.  Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper  must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every  4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time."

 

Joke 16 From Elephant Arse Subject:Senility

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

______________________________________________________________________________________-

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

____________________________________________________________________________________________

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me

until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Joke 15 From Elephant Arse Subject:Pain

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the   station when notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take A closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's  testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,  I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looksup into the fireman's eyes and says......

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f*cking siren, would I?!"

Joke 14 From Elephant Arse Subject: Mexicans

Ok, I know you all know how I have felt about illegal Mexicans in this country. I've ranted and raved and carried on about them. I must confess I never really took the time nor the trouble to explore why they come here.

I, in my arrogance I presume, never initiated any contact nor for that matter ever really gave any semblance of a smile to anyone I thought possibly could be an illegal. I don't know why or how to explain how I came to know the Jurado family.

Once they related to me the tragic story of how they were orphaned by a mudslide in Mexico and the hardships they faced as orphans thereafter, my heart could not help but melt as I reached out to embrace them.

Therefore in defiance of the United States policies on illegal immigrants, I have taken them into my home. This action alone caused me a hardship as my Pat decided to leave me because I had opened our home to strangers.

I forgive her for leaving but will try hard to accept she is gone.

My son bless his honorable heart, has decided to remain with me and look after the welfare of our new extended family.

In appreciation, my new family members have given me as a token of their appreciation, their group photo. I now wish to share with you.

 

 

 


 

 

 

Joke 13 From Elephant Arse Subject: Whats for dinner

A  man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

 Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.>>

 The doctor told him there is a simple informal test  the husband could perform to give the doctor a better  idea about her hearing loss.

 "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational  speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30  feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

>> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking  dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,  "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."  In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

>> No response.>>

>> So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about  30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for  dinner?">>

>> Still no response.

>> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about  20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for  dinner?">>

>> Again, no response.

>> So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet  away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

>> Again, there is no response.

>> So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for  dinner?"

>> (I just love this.)

>>>> "Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Joke 12 From Elephant Arse Subject: The Headache

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says:- "This is the pig that I have sex with when you've got a headache,"

Wife replies:- "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies:- " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Joke 11 From Elephant Arse Subject: The Desert

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?" "They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"  The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. "Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.  Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "....I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it all right, but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie".

Joke 10 From Elephant Arse Subject: Kind Lawyers

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and 'll feed you", the lawyer said "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!"

Lesson : Don't trust kind lawyers.

Joke 9 From Elephant Arse Subject: Why I sacked my secretary

>Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and i wasn't feeling to good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
>As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well,that's wives for you, the children will remember...
>The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office. I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,  it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's you birthday, let's go to lunch,  just you and me."
>I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day "Let's  go!" We went to lunch.
>We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day.We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
>After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying
>a huge birthday cake-----followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
>And I just sat there-----on the couch-----naked-----.
 

Joke 8 From Elephant Arse

Subject: Just Married
One day a Chinese couple got married - and the young bride was a virgin. Truth be told, the young groom was not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowered naked under the bed sheets as her husband undressed. He climbed into bed next to her and tried to be reassuring:

"My darring" he said in a gentle voice, "I know dis you fus tyne and you belly frightened. I plomise you,I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting, jus anyting you wan, anyting you say. Whatchou wan?" he said, trying to sound experienced, which he hoped would impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence followed, and he waited patiently for her request.

She eventually replied, shyly and unsure, "I wan.....numba 69".

More thoughtful silence followed, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queried: "You want ..Shrimp wif Broccori?

 

Joke 7 From Hollow

Subject: Becoming a woman

ONE DAY LITTLE SALLY GOT HER "MONTHLY BLEEDING" FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE.

HAVING FAILED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS GOING ON AND BEING REALLY FRIGHTENED, SHE DECIDED TO SHARE HER TROUBLE WITH LITTLE JOEY. WHEN SHE FOUND JOEY SHE TOLD HIM WHAT WAS HAPPENING, BUT HE DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND SO SHE SHOWED HIM WHAT HER PROBLEM WAS.

JOEY'S FACE GOT VERY SERIOUS AND HE SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE RIPPED YOUR BALLS OFF!

Joke 6 From Eager Beaver

Subject: Painless Delivery

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine  that  would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the FATHER. > >>>
> >>> He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in  favour of it.
> >>> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that  even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced  before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead a bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine  to 20%  pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
> >>>  The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged  the  doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. > >>>
> >>> The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
> >>> her husband were ecstatic.
> >>>
> >>> When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the porch.
 

Joke 5 From Elephant Arse

Subject: Joke De Jour!!!

In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have recently treated.

French gynaecologist:"Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris ......et was like a melon".

English gynaecologist:"Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor woman wouldn't have been able to walk if it was".

French gynaecologist: "O la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste!!

Joke 4 From Eager Beaver

Subject: Body Parts
 

    > The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she  > asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

  > Sally raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

  > "Why do you think it's your hands, Sally? asked the Nun

  > Sally replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

  > "What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said. "You sweet girl".  >

  > Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Please Sister, I think it's your feet."

  > The nun stared at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, tell us all Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

  > Johnny,excited that he had been invited to offer an idea to the class, jumped up and said: "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!" "If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

  > The Nun fainted....

 

Joke 3 From Eager Beaver

Subject: Drink Driving - True story
>> Only an Aussie could pull this one off! From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

 The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

 Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken."

 "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

>> True story...

Joke 2 From Elephant arse

Subject: secretary job opening

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. ..

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
 
 
Sinseerly,
 
Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

[]  

Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

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Joke 1