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RUN REPORTS (See Hash History Page for Years 2015 and previous years)
Run 1520 -Hares: Sweet&Low and Stiffanny May 7th.
Big Mac, late cummer, is this week’s scribe. I will start by blaming the hares, Sweet & Low and Stiffany, for sloppy directions which resulted in me accidentally taking the toll road to Mijas and back again clocking some €10 in tolls. I am considering legal action.
Anyway whatever run in the 1500’s this was took place in the hills behind La Canada. There was some debate as to whether it was truly virgin territory or not and without Mummy’s Boy to take issue the pack concluded that it might indeed be. The aforementioned Mummy’s Boy and several others were absent this week having defected to another hash hosting an away weekend at some unspellable and unpronounceable shit hole in Morocco. Even HRH Pussy Galore was in absentia so a reluctant Sir Flakey had to stand in as GM. This was probably the warmest day of the year so UV warnings were issued by the hares and sun cream was made available to those of lighter skin.,
The run got off to shaky start with the hares waving their hands in various directions to indicate the initial flour. Within a matter of minutes the FRBs were scattered to the four corners of the wind but eventually the trail was stumbled upon. Things quickly improved and views to the soon to be Spanish Gibraltar and Africa were stunning. The pack kept together well due to the wimps wandering aimlessly and a beer and a cava stop were enjoyed with optional swimming in mud. Back at the start the picnickers unloaded their hampers and marquees. Sir Flakey then called the circle. The hares were awarded a rather generous 9.1 for their 6.7km but I suspect that the increasingly blonde Shagadelic who was in charge of maths while Mummy’s Boy was on safari may have got her divisors and multiplicands mixed up. There were a few returnees including one couple (Strawberry Nipples or some such) who had been away for so long that no one could remember who they were. There were no anniversarios which is suspicious. Salmonella Rushdie was RA and immediately launched into sexual innuendos. Gangplank was soon aroused and offered his body to anyone willing. Surprisingly Strawberry fields was game and played with his ample bosom and erect nipples. News that he was returning to the UK for a Czech up was greeted with joy. Shaggy, who may soon need to be renamed as she admitted to having been celibate for a long time and whose latest boyfriend is apparently very shy and lives in the Arctic circle was chastised. The Wankers were also called in. Big Mac presented then with a knitted willy warmer that he had outgrown thanks to exercises and pills. The stand in GM did a mug check to get rid of surplus beers and the circle was closed and the picnic officially inaugurated. Next week’s run is a mystery and will only happen if the hares can escape the harem in Morocco. Big Mac had to get home the only way he knew which was by taking the toll road to Mijas and doing a U turn back to Marbella.
Run 1519 -Hares: Jut say when & Streaky
Bring a change of shoes they said. May get wet feet they said!
First 20 minutes was fine with rolling hills and wild flowers.
We then descended into the valley of death. Just say when was the gatekeeper to make sure no one had the cheek to do the Wimps trail.
After a few near death experiences by Justin, Uncle Fester, Aphrodisiac and myself we made it to the beer stop. Everyone else has buggered off after eating all the cake kindly prepared by sticky tart
The second half was a little bit easier except for the near vertical climb back to the cars.
A few comments about Run of the year etc with a few 9.9's left the hares very happy.
Circle was led by the GM Salmonella keeping the beer flowing.
Annaversarios: Kinda 400, Flakey 555 except he didn't turn up preferring to watch Everton get thrashed. Dogsy 730 (Get a life).
On-on to the restaurant except I wasn't there.
Hash Scribe Run Number 1517 16 April 2017
Hares – Stiffany /Flakey At - El Lagarejo
Never have the words “shitty trail” had such deep and profound meaning. Shitty, smelly, olerous in the extreme are the words that come immediately to mind as we sloshed through the mierda in the two streams that the trail took us through. However the initial part of the trail was good with some tiny tracks in deep campo, yet so close to Fuengirola. There was of course a tunnel, a double one in fact, but we expect nothing less of Stiffany. It was well marked in a location that, while close to the city, we don't often run in. There was both a beer and a cava stop with some really great cake. In fact I guess it was that, that saved the day for the hares, for they were given quite a good mark in the circle.
Anniversarios were - Finnish Me Off Two 15, Saw Me Come 15, Five Knuckle Shuffle 55, Gerry Can 195, Just Say When 260, Streaky 415, Gang Plank 415 and Up Yer Bum 625.
The On On was at El Brujo with the usual excellent food, but rather slow service, despite pre-ordering by the hares.
Hash Scribe Run Number 1514 26March 2017
Hares – Just Say When/Bloody Pinochio At - El Higueron
La plume de ma tante sainte fairy Ann defense de fumer ou est le papier plat du jour petit dejeuner Paris st Germain gare du nord le fromage hau he hau he hau pomme de terre peage l'autoroute vin de table les clefs de la porte pattes de grenouille le periferique chateau neuf du pape bonjour les enfants sortie ou sont les w c voiture il est strictement interdit de cracher sur la voie.
OK that's got the French version whacked off (piece of piss)
now for the English, by French Erection -
We had a hash. We went down, we went up and in and out and on tiny tracks in beautiful campagne. I wanted some nachos but there weren't any. Then through tunnels and had a beer stop on the beach and it was good. Then through another tunnel and up and down and up and up and we got back up. We drank a lot of beer, but there were still no nachos. Then the circle. We all thought it was a good. The score was 9.2. There were some anniversarios – Quick Sand 30, Appy Ending 45, French Erection 75, Elephant Arse 255, Sweet and Low, Streaky 415, Kindergarden Cop 475, Swiss Roll 285. Then off to tres bon meal.
MH3 Run # 1513 18 March 2017
Were Evident Two Days After!
Hares: ЁJust Say WhenЁ, ЁUncle FesterЁ, ЁSticky TartЁ
Run Rating: 8.5
Shmoosky: 50 and a patch
Cradle Snatcher: 165
Sticky Tart: 225
Salmonella Rushdi: 275
Absolutely beautiful on a glorious, sunny, Spring afternoon.
Not particularly well marked. Many (+-20) got lost on the first half, eventually arriving at the Beer Stop in time to completely miss Stickyґs really good cheese-cake.
Crystal clear, ankle deep water in an unavoidable, but pleasant little river. Some show offs went for a dip and/or went starkers in/under a pretty little waterfall. (How do you properly spell the name of that shy guy, with the 3-4 year old daughter, who seems intent on regularly displaying his goods?)
Dogs, dogs, dogs! I think too many on this run. I really, really like dogs, but personally feel that dogs should be kept on a lead and absolutely be kept out-of-the Circle, unless on leads, both at the start and the finish. (My personal favorites are Chloe and Lucky!) Not all dogs are equally well behaved and under control. I respectfully request that serious dog control to be discussed yet again and action be agreed upon at the next Committee meeting. Too many dogs, especially uncontrolled ones, can be very irritating and distracting. Many hashes ban dogs for the avoidable hassle they cause. I feel that if owners can not/will not control their dogs they should either not bring them to the hash, take a completely separate and opposite trail well away from we humans or have them closed inside a car parked well away from the group….so that their yelps are not heard.
Beverage Supply: (A Memory Problem or too many hares …..each who may have thought it was anotherґs responsibility?)
Someone forgot to bring the large bottles of beer for down-downs. No problem. There were enough cans. Fester did the sleeve taking responsibility. Always a good sport!
If he hadnґt looked so comical holding the tiny thing over his head it may not have been returned to Cradle Snatcher, who left it behind at Yogiґs recent rainy day BBQ.
Sex In The Circle:
Just-In and Lip Service ….again.
Gud on ya! (Get it while you can! Dirty old men need love too!)
Defoliating the Countryside: (Considerate Hashers donґt do that!)
Wild rosemary was in bloom and found its way into the shoulder bags of one of our virgins + a visitor who didnґt know of our passion for protecting nature as we pass through it.
The On-On was at Finca La Mota:
Sorry, we missed it! Sorry we missed it!
Glorious Day, Outstanding Venue, Great turn-out, Lots of good fun!
Thanks to the hares for their excellent arrangements and their choice of a very special venue….and their consideration by setting a special trail for the walking wounded and/or lazy old buggers.
Your Scribe: EA
Made a decision around 2 p.m. Weather looking warm and sunny so a nice Spring run was on the cards.
How wrong can you be? Arrived at the start of the run to be met with an icy blast from somewhere in the Antarctica.
Runners were reluctant to leave the shelter of their cars.
We were promised a tricky first half and an easier second half which was about right. Steep slippery slopes to manouver both up and down.
Eventually climbing to the highest point of the day, a fabulous view overlooking the coast in a fire-break shelter although I wouldn't call the hut with 90 Km. winds very much shelter.
Lots of sticky tarts with lashings of cava put everyone in a better mood. The second half was a simple walk down to the cars.
Hares received a magnificent 8.8 marks. Well done guys. Thanks for all your hard work. (Get a life).
Dipper did a very good job of RA'ing. The highlight was the birthday cake on Community Chest's head. Eggs, flour, soggy buscuits and ICE-cold beer was the order of the day.
She is now recovering well from frost-bite in the Costa-Del-Snow hospital.
Thanks for a good run in a very nice nature. The view was fantastic ! ! ! And
special thanks for Cavas and a very nice cake ! ! !
Master Bates / PHOTOlof
Hares: 5-Mil and HMV
Ok here is your hash sheet...turned up late..thanks Mum! Now I have to write the Hash Sheet!
William and Jensen made me even later taking the scent of a cat when I was trying to coax them into Granmas car! down down for 2 bassets!
Arrived and given hash scribe...we enjoyed the first half...ALONE..and thanks be to god the hares kept us all together...
Nice Beer stop..then it all went PEAR SHAPED! Jensen William and I felt like BILLY NO MATEs lost trail eventually went ON IN with 2 knackered hounds!
I took the run numbers from Sweet and LO and managed to wonder why I had an OLD mercadona receipt and binned it in BP gasolinera BIN when I was washing my car and am NOT digging in there to find it..sorry!
You know who you are..get a life! I had too many down downs to mention! 3 Tena
ladies induction and Jans CHRISTENING WERE THE HIGHLIGHTS!!
on on was amazing buffet!
This will be a short report as the run is still going, but I am at home on the sofa already!
After confusion about the direction the sign points to I arrived 15 minutes late. I was not the only one either.
At least it was dry and a reasonable turnout considering several of our regulars are traveling. So then the hare points out to me that my wellies are not high enough to cross the river... And the run is only 7 km...
So we set of uphill, downhill and come to the river. Crossing means holding on to a rope while wading through knee high cold water. And it starts raining again.
Not doing that. I am trying to nurse my cold, not torture it. So back to the cars and home I go.
Better luck next week! Sweet&Low
Run 1508 12th Feb 2017
Hares – Mummies Boy and Pussy Galore At - Sierra Nevada
An outstanding weekend... with hashers arriving on different days throughout the period. By Sunday there were 11 of us for the actual hash. Great skiing on the Friday and Saturday, was followed on the Sunday (the hash day) with the unfortunate news that the pistes were closed because of high winds. Nnnnooooo! This was especially unfortunate for those who had come up just for the day. However, we managed a hash of sorts. Our joint hare, Mummies Boy, (along with Pussy Galore) got to use his fluorescent red paint and there were, ultimately, many down downs. Certainly an event to be repeated in the future.
Run 1505 22 January 2017
Hares: Speed Bumps and Aqua Sex aka Rota Floater
The What A Load of Rubbish Bins Run
An exciting day indeed, as the Mijas HHH staged its own inauguration of the New Alternative Fact Era, i.e. joining the rest of the world in making the final transition from half-mind to no-mind.
The venue chosen for this memorable event was Fuengirola's municipal rubbish dump and rubbish truck compound, a magnificent setting if I ever saw one – laden with history; the remnants of thousands of lovingly cooked family meals and other assorted garbage, every bit of it telling its own tale, now dumped in rows and rows of rubbish bins surrounding the Circle. The resident rats were enjoying a veritable gourmet experience, tucking into a variety of international left-overs; paella, bratwurst, hamburgers, you name it. They did not touch the chewed-out bits of lamb in mint sauce, though, even rats have standards.
And the turn-out... Well, the turn-out was a bit of a sour point, really. There were some reports that there weren't that many people present. They claimed there were some gaps in the circle and one reporter even went as far as saying that there were more dogs than people on this run...
I asked a big bald guy in a red hat about this and he gave me his version: “Today is a historical Hash day! It's going to be a fantastic run and the turn-out here is just yuuuge! Don't fall for the malicious intentions of the commie-pinko-slimy-scumbag media; sleeving is too good for the swines! Some very important Hashers have told me, and I mean, some Very Important Hashers, that this is a unique event; more Hashers have turned up for this than for any other Rubbish Hash. And not only that, we have only the Best Hashers here, we settle for nothing less. It's true!”
I had to leave this enthusiastic participant, as he was beginning to froth at the mouth at this stage and joined the pack on its way up the hills. We had been told there would be two options, the Swingers vs. The Machos and pretty soon the latter group were making their way up to the very top, no doubt heading for Swiss Rolls favourite beer-stop. From what I hear, the only reason they never made it that far, was a very deceptive Check Back and a Naughty Arrow pointing in the wrong direction. Just as well, as this misled one of the Virgins, a slight and quiet woman I had been highly suspicious of. Not only did this virgin come with Swiss Roll, a Hasher that speaks an unintelligible lingo, sounding a bit like Arabic, but she also had her head covered and was carrying a yuuuge ruck-sack. No doubt desperate after trying to follow the trail, she finally detonated herself somewhere near the Higueron petrol station from where thick black smoke emanated just before we ended the circle. Either that, or King Kanute's wife had been burning the currywьrst.
She was not the only casualty that day. Gordon Ramsme Too also felt he had too much of a heavy load going up the mountain, so decided to alleviate the weight and treated his fellow runners to a yuuuge Technicolour Yawn.. The most worrying thing about all this is the fact that Gordon is a Chef and had prepared his own food the night before. What was the name of that restaurant you were working for again, Gordon..?
The ones that didn't get lost, blown up or blown out did have a nice run, though. Kindergarden was very enthusiastic about the mountains, the views and life in general upon his return. One of these whippersnappers about to leave home and embark on life's magical journey in the company of his chosen better-half.. romantic stuff, eh?
There was also a circle, although it was a bit confusing. There were several people in the circle at once, all performing duties simultaneously and I saw One Tit being married off to a bunch of three follically challenged, but loaded guys. I heard it was all in vain, though, as she rejected each one of them in favour of her Little Drummer Boy.
The big bald guy with the red hat, who I had interviewed earlier on, was one of the rejected suitors, but that didn't stop him from trying to get his socks off elsewhere. First, I saw him hanging around our GMH, Miss Galore, making some strange grabbing movements, but then, unable to catch her, he went on to vye for the favours of some Slovenian or Croatian young lady. Somewhere from the Balkans anyway and although she was a bit Sweaty, she was well-fit and willing to accept a complete wardrobe offered to keep her warm.
Anyway, by this time we were all shaking and shivering, so it was time to get a move on. Ah, nearly forgot, the “anniversarios”:
Lip Service 15, Quicksand 25, Five Knuckle Shuffle 50, Stitched Up 100, Just In 200 and Colonic Irritation 335 r*ns; these were some of the sad bar stewards called out.
We all postponed to the restaurant as fast as our frozen toes could carry us and were then feasted on dishes that reflected the earlier theme of the run.. Personally, I couldn't care less at that stage, as I was frozen and starving, so great food as far as I was concerned. More importantly, the Hares, who had probably told the restaurant to expect between 10 and 15 people and then showed up with 45 odd did an awesome job taking orders, translating for the knobheads that still don't speak the lingo, etc. and finally ended up eating their cold dishes on a stool in the corner... That is dedication, the rest is Donkey Sheet.
Just In Augurated
Run No 1499 The Challenging One
Near Mijas Pueblo in a lay-by
Hares Mummy s Boy & Just Say When
The first Non Malaga Saturday run for Mijas, but endorsed by Malaga of course, thanks to Lee Marvin to enable the 1500 th run to be held after the celebrations at the Valparaiso restaurant nearby later that same day. But more about that later.
The 11am start was a new one again, as I stumbled out of my bed in the Reyosol Hotel in Fuengirola wishing I hadn't had the Pacharan to finish off the night, Sir Sparky and Elephant Arse are always good company to spend a few late hours in Fuengirola, but along with the rain and the thought of a 'Just Mummy say when boy' trail to face. I wished I hadn't been so enthusiastic in my remedy for the impending Bear Flu that I knew was about to bite me. The Fenadol complex granulado para solution oral mixed with Soborano had felt like a good idea at the time, now dressed in a mixture of redundant cycling/walking and running gear I set off to collect Sir Sparko from his doss hole on the pasao. On collection at the said time of 1030 we proceeded up the wrong way of a one way street with Sparko just casually mentioning that he thought I was on the wrong side of the central reservation, but it was ok because we are in Spain! His reassurance and contagious laughter making me feel better at my obvious Fenadol Haze driving technique. Onwards and upwards to Mijas on the right side of the road with a detour around the del sol Hotel to find markings to the run site.
What a turn out, 24 on a Saturday morning with the prospect of further rain, and pain from the terrible duo from the campo, well known for finishing off many a hardy Hasher with their tough trails.
All the formalities over with and the Trail was explained as being "challenging" by Mummys boy, 6 hours to lay yesterday before the rain and a further 2 hours between them in the morning. Some may think wow lets get to it and shot off with great vigour in their step, others like Elephant Arse and myself took the honorable way out and took the Sticky Tart Motor to the Beer stop.
Lee Marvin must have been in the beer truck with Mummys Boy as we all had a jolly time awaiting the arrival of the FRBs. A First Aid alert was attended by Sticky and Elephant who never returned. Sticky brought back a limping 5 knuckle shuffling along on a sprained foot.
Elephant had just gone home realising the terrain was a little too Challenging!
King Canute came running in and could bearly speak, he was in a hash orgasmic state, gibbering that was the best run ever and every run should be like this, he was uncontrollable till we managed to inject some beer into him and calm him down. Meggasorearse was in a similar condition as was Sir Sparky and most of the others at the relief of finding the Beer Stop unscathed and in one piece.
As the Beer Stop began to become over crowded with over enthusiastic Hashers I slipped out on the in trail as I to was expecting more Challenges before the on in...
I was soon overtaken and the scrambling was as I had come to expect from a Mummy just say when boy collaboration. I needed a push here and there to get through so god knows what the first half was like!
The On In was a welcome sight as the rain was still threatening with dark clouds rolling over head. (who said Head) A quick change and we had a hurried circle with the most entertaining being the spilling of the beans by GM Pussy, that One Tit on her recent stateside visit to New York with the aging rock star HMV had decided to tie the knot, she was proudly displaying a trinket of engagement on her left hand, she suddenly turned a little shy as more details emerged from Pussy who on the same trip had a least ventured out of the hotel room to see some of Manhattan,One Tit appeared oblivious to any tourist trap as she had spent the entire trip scalling the heights of HMV tower. Erected by the Viagra Group PLC with copyright for any repeat performances. This sparked a spontaneous Drum roll with top hat finish by the RA Colonic. Evey mention of anything related resulting in a burst of drum roll, this sort of over shadowed anything else at the circle.
The meal was at Meson Martin down the road near Lidl and was a great Menu Del Daya for 9 euros. Andalusian soup egg and chips, flan etc plus shite wine was all we needed.
apart from more Fenadol and a sleep before the 1500 theme party at the Valparaiso......
My excuse for not dressing up as noble man or nerd from the middle ages was due to the fact of concentrating on the important things, like finishing off stuff in UK before my winter here in Spain and knowing the date was all I could focus on. Only on my arrival did it become apparent that my nice blue suit and white shirt was from the wrong century, even my 75cent christmas head bangle couldn't hide the situation that like a handful of other lazy Hashers had done nothing about dressing up for this special event.
We looked more like the dregs of the now disbanded over sixties youth club that just happened to be having a reunion at the same venue. Now eligible for membership but pleased I never joined after looking at the bedraggled offerings in all their christmas party frocks.
On the other hand our fine and dandy display of middle age pageantry was outstanding in all its grandeur, flowing gowns and pouting flesh from both sexes in a exhibition of Hash magic. Some had gone to extreme lengths in manufacturing their costumes and showed them off with great pride, even the cheap skate trippers to the local China shop had some form of disguise to transport them back to a time gone by. Dippers Arab garb had no real date stamp on it, but he looked a twat and thats what we hashers strive for. Mr and Mrs Flakey had obviously delved deep into the hash stash trunk and dressed as the lord and lady of the Manor. Others looked like the plebs and peasants in comparison. But all had put on a grand show for other party goers that night, and when the party started it was the attention the stage flamenco dances gave to our group that made the night.
Lord Flakey stealing the show when asked to join the show with a dancer I would have sold my Motorbike for, just to spend a weekend in Sevilla with a women with so much energy would have put a smile on my face. Lord Flakey milked the moment in an act of hash perfection, unlike Dave dressed as a rag bag crusader who got lost in translation with his dance routine, even Aquasex tried to upstage the flamenco dancers with her own style of Eartha kit maneuvers on stage, she had to be assisted off stage before disaster struck with her impromptu interpretation in the wrong dress length and footwear. A close shave when you look at the video.
Then came the male porky dancer to choose a suspect to assist his dance routine. Shaggadelic dressed in a long white dress with a smaller skirt around her neck was an ample partner for him to choose,when on stage the lighting provided us all with a perfect X-Ray view of her industrial strength, polo neck, finger snapping nickers, of a style Nora Batty would be proud to hang on her washing line. She danced with not a care in the world, knowing her bottom bits were snug as a bug in a rug, but totally unaware that half of Mijas now had insider knowledge of her choice of preferred nether region protection.
The food was slow to show but the wine flowed freely and I expect most would have had plenty of everything, another great Hash Party and thanks to all who helped in the organisation.
The prize for best fancy dress was awarded to Sweet and Low, who must get a life, as it must have taken her an age to make her medieval gown and stunning head dress.
The taxi driver called and it was soon time to leave.
On On till the next time
The Rev George Mooney Retired
Yogi really and still suffering with Bear Flu
Run number 1497 The NoaHHH's Arc Run
Hares MUMMY'S BOY & AQUASEX AKA ROTA FLOATER
As the day dawned, some rather disturbing information started to spread on Farcebook: half of Mijas Pueblo was now located in Los Boliches and half the Mediterranean had now made its way up to Mijas Pueblo. Disaster reports were flooding (pun intended) the internet and Hashes all around were getting a bit worried about their weekly dose of shenanigans, not to mention their Sunday ration of amber liquid.
Scaremongers were talking about roads being cut off, massive rocks rolling down along the road and even, god-forbid, a power cut that would render the beer taps of all the local drinking holes totally useless. Golden Cascade was leading a rescue mission for stray dogs and donkeys that had been trapped on fast-eroding islands of the Guadalmina River with a view of boarding them on Noahhh's Arc and was calling on all available Hashers to come and join her. In other words, a perfect day for Hashing!
Our two brave Hares had evaded rock-slides, lightning bolts and most importantly, alcohol checks, and somehow found their way to what was left of the former quaint village of Mijas. They then proceeded to dump tons of flour, paper and chalk all over the place, ready for yet another day of Hashing. Shame on all you fair-weather Hashers that chose to stay at home to drain your living room floor, repair caved-in roofs or blow up your dinghies in preparation for your next imminent cruise.
By the time we got there, around 3 blobs of flour, two shreds of paper and a smidgen of chalk had survived the storm and off we set to do what we normally do anyway, that is, ignoring any kind of trail and trying to outsmart each other on the location of the beer stop. This was soon found, on the edge of the village, where Mummy's boy had decided to place his Rover next to a recent landslide and right under a massive pine tree that was only just teasingly defying gravity. Rumour has it that he is thinking of changing his old motah.
At that stage, it was decided to get rid of the more serious runners by sending King Kanute off on a mission to invade some urbanization or other, armed with a bag of flour and followed by a scattering of wet nutters, while the rest of us made our way back to the car park in search of yet more refreshment. Eventually (that means “In the end”, Mr. Fawlty!), the former group made it back to the car park where the rest of us had been having a pleasant chat, entirely undisturbed by “racists”.
Given the circumstances, it was nothing short of a miracle that we only had two mishaps: Five-knuckle Shuffle diving into a mudbank and Mummy's Boy not falling asleep in the restaurant. Not a bad score really.
The circle was quite uneventful too, just a few down downs. Dogsy was given a down down for shaving in all the wrong places and now going off to Glasgi to be reunited with his better half while carrying a badger under his nose. And for our Virgins: Allah (?) and Paul, who also kindly lend their new shoes to Colonic and Gangbang as a drinking vessel. We had no official GM or RA, or Piss Pourer, or Haberdasher or any kind of pompous offices present, but we somehow managed to open up many cans of beer by ourselves and down them in an admirably professional fashion.
We then postponed to the restaurant, Las Terrazas, which was absolutely excellent - no kidding – and where we were charged a pittance of € 9 for a veritable feast. Kindergarden Cop was so amazed that even he forked out a tip for our charming waiter. A very special day indeed!
Just Sink In'
Run Number 1495
20 November 2016
Hares – Gordon Ramsme Too and Pussy Galore
At - inland La Cala
A good turnout of around 30 people arrived on this fairly cloudy day, all thoroughly expecting a great hash from this unusual pairing of a fresh young novice hare and the thoroughly experienced old slag, Pussy. (It should be said at this point , that our GM has however, assisted novice hares no less than three times within the last five weeks! A significant commitment of time and effort ...well, she has bugger all else to do!)
The Run began down hill and then continued over virgin territory, as far as I was concerned anyway. Wonderfully open campo … oh except for the bit where we came up out of a tunnel to be greeted by the landowner complaining that it was his private land. However Speed Bumps “set upon” him and when he said “Why don`t you all go and run in your own country”, she loudly accused him of racism ….. just as the Guardia arrived! What timing! This was quite extraordinary after last week where we had complaints of both parking on, and crossing over, private land.
Then to the Beer stop and after, the circle, without further significant event.
As we arrived back to the cars, Colonic Irrigation arrived direct from his most recent scam operation … sorry … (did I say that) … work ... apparently. From thereon, having not done the Run, and with the fewest of snitches from the group, he then entertained us quite outrageously, laugh after laugh, a true tour de force for … well ... ages!
Thence to a Chinese restaurant (next to Biddy Mulligans) in La Cala … excellent service and good food … and ... pacharan!
Translated directly from the French (yeh right)
Run Number 1494
13 November 2016
Hares – Master Bates and Aqua Sex
At St Anthony`s College
No less than 40 people turned out for this hash on a gorgeous, semi-sunny, semi-cloudy day - a great day for hashing in fact!
The pre-Circle began with a complaint from the apparent owner of the school/car parking area, that we had not asked for his permission to use the car park! Quite extraordinary ... as we have hashed in that location on and off for at least 14 years to my knowledge, and it has never been a problem! In future (he said) we must contact the school to ask his (jobsworth) permission. (This is entirely a note for the committee members and does not reflect on the Hares in any way.)
The circle began with visitors from Sri Lanka and Norway being brought into the circle (the latter being the honorary Germans for the day.)
Then the Run began. For those, like myself who wished to take it easy … this was not the day to do it! Severe uphill, followed by steep downhill, followed by uphill and so on. But it was a hash so no complaints there.
Quite extraordinarily, on one of the uphill sections a local complained that we were crossing his land. I responded by saying that since there were no fences and that it was a simply part of Mijas campo, how could we possibly know! (Future hares take note.) How coincidental!!!
Thereafter … it seemed that in no time at all (principally because it WAS no time at all) we reached the Beer Stop. Everything, both literally and figuratively, went downhill thereafter … and we reached the cars shortly after our departure from the BS.
Then to the circle … taken by our very own, if somewhat infrequent visitor, Dipper. Numerous people (quite too numerous to mention) were justifiably penalised and the anniversarious were - Happy Days – 5 Runs One Tit - 100 Megasaurarse - 60 Community Chest - 70 French Erection - 75 and Swiss Roll – 475
On On at the local Indian … food good, the service … appallingly slow, but overall, as always, a great day out!
Run No: 1487: Hares: Gangbang & Aeroflaps
On the way to the run we were saying "not going to be much of a turn out" after the night before when the Mijas H3 had its annual End of summer ball. (Apparently a great success and some great photos on Facebook).
When we arrived there were 37! other hashers making up a total of 39, brilliant turnout which posed problems for the hares who were trying to dissuade a few not to come as the restaurant couldnґt cope with so many.
I think everyone knew a ballbuster was not on the cards and so it turned out. Just 4.8 KMs. most of it on tarmac. This sort of run is normally awarded low marks but there were a few 9.9ґs from some nursing hangovers.
The circle was ably led by first Sir Flakey with a joke about amnesia which I canґt remember and then Colonic who embarrassed a few harriets with a camel toe lineup.
I missed the on-on but Iґm sure it was superb.
Run no (Canґt remember)
> We all gathered near the castle in Fuengirola for what was to be and
> only inspiring. We set off quite rapidly running around the Castle
> straight down into the smelly river. After negotiating the gypsy camp
> a few times we ended up going uphill to a choice of a Macho or whimps
> trail runs which I did very nice thank you very much. All the rest I
> can't remember as I had too much to drink!
> ON ON bollocking
> CLONK! Xxxxx
Run Report for Run No: 1485:
Run Report (Sometime in Summer 2016)
Hares: The German & The Gordie
Location: Just off the Old Coin road ---Ata Laya?.
I have been harassed continually in the circle for not doing the Run report so here it is you ruthless bastards, my mental health issues were be highlighted in the circle and nasty comments made, but I have forgotten what was mentioned ! Is all this harassment because of my religious beliefs or the colour of my skin??? The hash is certainly becoming very offensive and long may it reign.
Anyway due to my mental health issues I can’t remember much about the run, I know there was a German a Gordie Judy setting it, and there was a something about the Romans! What did the Romans ever do for us? Apart from Libraries, education system, viaducts, sewage systems, Ohhh and the Baths, that what it was there was, the run utilised an ancient old bathing area that the Romans had made, I do remember emptying my bladder in the waste height water approaching the baths, Cradle snatcher & Aphrodisiac who were behind me were oblivious to this and just thought the increase in the water temperature was very pleasurable!!!
And what have the Germans ever done for us? Bombed our Chippy! And those Gordie wankers, bastardized the English language I can’t understand the word she says!
Well that’s about it for the run, I enjoyed it, some short cutting bastards missed the water section which was the only memorable bit, and I think they got a good score of a number under 10? The On On was at the Local vent were Michelin star road kill was served up with chips, Well done you per of wankers. I hope I have not offended anybody or the hares? But as you know Germans have no sense of Humour Ha Ha Ha -------------
Run report 1481 – 14 August 2016 - Hares: Dogsy & Upyerbum - Marks 8.8
Being as wot this is my first run report I will faithfully and truthfully provide all details of the scamperings around Andalucian hillsides on the date in question, to the best of my knowledge and recollection – which is not likely to be very accurate since I have been pissed several times since.
We assembled on the outskirts of Mijas pueblo for what turned out to be a relatively short run, but one not without its challenges, since it involved going up several hills with inclines of more than 85 degrees (so my legs informed me). Being not exactly a Hash virgin but one only recently deflowered (albeit on several occasions, from which I am still sore, but thank you for your concern), I was prepared for the forming of the circle. Nevertheless, the strange pas de deux between Sir Flakey and Golden Cascade, involving arms conjoined, eyes locked as if in mortal combat, and beer consumed at high speed, still took us all by surprise.
Once the run was underway it was felt by some that the connection between the flour hieroglyphs occasionally found on the ground and the route we were meant to follow was occasionally more tenuous than the hares intended (or perhaps not…). But somehow we all made it to the beer stop in good order. The second half of the run was easier to follow, and the charge to the line was led by somebody later described to me as a suicide bummer. I have no idea how he earned this name.
The circle was formed in the car park. Various misdemeanours were punished by the act of forced beer drinking. Sir Flakey made frequent appearances in the circle and may be presumed to have misbehaved regularly and at length. Pussy Galore (GM for the day) should have been punished more frequently than she was, for the offence of driving a mobile helicopter landing-pad to the Hash; it was generally agreed that this was simply a ruse to gets lots of young, fit soldiers to land on her. Quicksand should also have been sent to the circle for leaning on this vehicle during the circle, but this went unpunished by the GM (note: committee should perhaps consider review of video evidence for future hash events). The run overall was given a rating of 8.8 by the assembled hashers.
A list was passed to me which I faithfully repeat here:
Clog Dancer 45
Seaman Stains 130
WWWW (wtf?!) 255
Elephant Arse 230
Mummies Boy 540
Izzy in Yet *200*
I’m not entirely sure what these figures indicate, but I think it is probably the number of days since each of them last had sex.
Congratulations all round!
Run Report 1480 7th August 2016
We turned up behind the Mijas Hotel at 6pm and I, who lived nearest, duly arriveed last so am doing this write up.
In fact history repeats itself as I also reviewed run 1429 in August 2015 from the same start for the same reason
1429 was something of an epic and 1480 was very different, more a casual stroll round Mijas Pueblo but that is one of the joys of hashing. Sometimes its tough and sometimes it's not – as long as we can find stuff to moan about we are usually happy.
Quite small chalk marks that looked like 7s but no one got lost or expired as a result.
plenty of beer and a shady beer stop
Police accompanied our circle as Mijas has a parking issue this time of year
A pretty good meal afterwards (if you avoided the spaghetti)
Sir Flaky celebrated his 535th hash with Mijas on this run so it is perhaps unsurprising that his memory is not at its best.
In fact he was driven to consult me on memory loss issues and here is...
Dr. T-Total’s medical corner...
Many patients come to me complaining they can no longer remember trivial issues such as the date of the battle of Hastings, where they parked their car, or why they are now living with the complete A-hole they wake up to each morning.
I tell them beer is usually the best answer but if they really want to find the car there are two easily available supplements that help a lot – I take these and have not lost my car recently...
2. Omega 3 – expensive but excellent - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Omega-Ultra-CoQ10-gel-caps/dp/B0087CLASE/ref=pd_nav_hcs_bia_t_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=1YT8MP0GVNVM75N4CCAD
No doubt I will be back next August with advise on what to
do if you find you have suddenly shrunk.
Scribe: TT my arse
Scribe: TT my arse
Run Report 1479 31st July 2016
Hares Streaky and Stiff fanny Hawaiian Theme
Finish me off 5
Mega sore arse 45
Jizzical Ferk 225
Just say when 225
Salmanela rushti 255
The circle was formed and the GM welcomed everyone and invited visitors and virgins into the circle hashers introduced themselves to them in the normal way.
All hashers were encouraged to wear Hawaiian dress for the run and a majority did partake.
Hares were invited in to explain the run which was in Mijas Pueblo and set on flour and chalk.
The run started from Stiff fannys villa in Mijas Pueblo and consisted of a trail on pavements and off road trails through waste land which was well marked with testing checks, check backs and split trails leading to the first pool beer stop where we were welcomed with a very nice Sex on the beach strawberry and melon plus the obligatory cocktail and those that wanted to had a dip in the pool.
The second part of the run was similar to the first and lead us all back to the original starting point, where this time we had a selection of cocktails on offer Blue Hawaii, Pinis Colada and a nice slice of chilled melon together with the normal buffet of crisps, again there was the opportunity to take advantage of the swimming pool to cool off.
The final part of the run went through a small valley and ended up at Steakys villa where again an assortment of cocktails were on offer together with the normal beer and soft drinks.
The circle was formed around the swimming pool the GM entered the pool and invited back into the circle the visitors and virgins to ask what they thought about the run and introduced them to the “down down”.
The GM went on to invite the Hares on in and asked everyone what they thought about the run and to mark it. The comments were very favourable and this resulted in a very respectable score of 8.9 for the run.
The down downs were then given for various offences during the run and the beer was served on a lilo by the smiling piss pourer incidentally that was all he was wearing.
The GM then went onto remind everyone about forth coming Hash events that can be seen on the web site.
The circle then closed.
The” on on” was at streakys villa and consisted of an assortment of Sushi to start with and for main BBQ sausage chicken and steak complimented with mixed salad and potato followed by Eton mess or Danish lemon drizzle for dessert it was all very enjoyable and the hard work put in was very much enjoyed and appreciated by all who attended. An excellent “ON ON”.
Mega Sore Arse
Run No: 1477 17th July - Jizzical
or Izzy & Jizzical's Wedding Run
Hares: Salmonella Rushdie & Just Say When
Anniversarios: Dogs Bollox 710 & Swiss Roll 460
Run Score: 9.0
From the very start it was obviously not going to be any "normal" run. Jizzical was dressed as some sort of Thai Boy Bride, Izzy was giving a good impersonation of Stan Laurel, we had four polka dotted, widow twanky, bridesmaids and a red headed Harriet thinking she was the GM.
Having just returned from Rota with two other bridesmaids, no doubt lacking sleep and somewhat exhausted, the red headed Harriet got the show on the road. The Hares informed us their was to be a pre lube beer stop followed by a Champagne Wedding. Markings were the usual but the Hares had obviously not totally been in agreement as we had Macho, Wimps, Runners and Special Wimps Trails!
The Wedding Party set off inland up the dried river bed. Coming to a split in the river the main group carried on but the back markers, yours truly and HMV saw signs of a trail off to the left. Fighting the jungle, up and up the tributary they went for an inordinately distance before finding a CB, going back was not an option and anyway it was obviously an Omen for a short cut! Having continued on and by now looking like two aging and highly camouflaged jungle fighters, the trail was soon picked up and on to the beerstop arriving fifteen minutes or more before the beer wagon. Having waited they then took off to the wedding, giving themselves time to shower under the water sprinklers in the Park en route and generally clean up.
Meanwhile the main Party, satiated with beer, followed on taking yet another river bank to the wedding venue - a veritable oasis of Palms and green lawns amidst the outer reaches of La Cala.
The Very Reverend Salmonella Rushdie, took the Service - "we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to join this harrier and this harriet in holy mattress monkey". After promising to "KUM together and celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joys of sex outside of masturbation", "to wash his royal highness with thigh saliva and to never kiss another man" and "to hash and to fuck until he can't get it up any more" and their being no objections, they were mispronounced, Harrier and Harriette and the bride and groom were duly showered in Champagne.
The third half was a live Hare run, chasing down Reverend Salmonella, through the long and low and very dark tunnel to the beach, along the front and back to the Feria Ground.
The Circle was convened by our new GM, Returners chastised, Anniversarios, with nearly 1200 runs between the two of them, regaled. The opportunity to warn HMV of the perils of falling asleep in the Sun and looking redder than a Turkey was missed and of course the Bride and Groom had to be given lessons on how to satisfy each other. Cream, chocolate flakes and sausages (whole for him and split for her) became the props and the newly marrieds were able to practice what married couples know as a sixty nine.
The Wedding Supper was an excellant Carvery at the very popular Newmarket Restaurant, unlimited amounts of meat (four types) and lots of English veggies and a half bottle of decent wine. I didn't see the Bride and Groom slink off but no doubt they made an early exit to get in more practice fueled by the supper.
ON ON Your Scribe, Mummy's Boy
Run 1474 Sunday 26 June Hares: Just Say Gwen and Kannot Kan
Still reeling from the Brexit, we were perhaps not entirely prepared for a Hash re-enactment of the way the referendum had been conducted.
On the one hand, there was a truckload of figures and information on how to get there, how to continue on from there and the dire consequences of not going there. There was a complete sheet of A4 with directions, weather forecast, wind-directions, stock market information, further route to the On On and the full menu of delicacies awaiting us there.
On the other hand, present at the car park, were two Hares, looking sideways at each other with a rather miffed glance – one a smiling and seemingly affable blonde with windswept hair, looking more than a bit confused, the other one a tall and slightly dodgy looking second-hand car salesman with a couple of pints down his throat. The latter told us that we didn't need any information really and that the only way was forward!
Needless to say, the latter's instructions were followed blindly and we all ended up lost in the woods, surrounded by trees as far as the eye could see (although perhaps not enough to supply the pulp for the stack of 10,000 pound notes soon to be issued..) and without a clue as to our destination. Sounds familiar?
We did make it to the first check-point, but then trouble started. As I said, this was all about information or the lack thereof, so the second-hand car salesman had decided to follow the advice of his alter-ego and instead of putting some flour on the ground, he had sent it to Switzerland, opened a secret bank account and let the rest of us have none of it. Swiss flour is not going to lose 20% of its value overnight, so a good move overall.
Unfortunately, the mugs (or at least 52% of us) didn't know where to go and each one went into a different direction. I don't know exactly what happened after that. Reports say some of the mislead crowd were seen bashing the hey out of some dark coloured squirrels, others were heard repenting their choice (“ I thought it would be fun to go to this kind of Hash, but had I known about the consequences, I would have stayed at home, really, like..”), but to cut a long story short, it was a total mess.
The Hare was seen later at the restaurant, saying something like “Last time I was here, you were laughing, look at you now!” before collapsing and leaving us to let Free Trade rule, i.e. we ended up with 350 times more food than we had bargained for, but truth be told we all got stuffed and went home laughing at ourselves for er.. getting stuffed.
Needless to say, this Hash was awarded SHIT, which will come as a relief to the GOP, whose representative, Elephant Arse (talking about being a symbol) was last seen to hold said coveted trophy. It's only a matter of time before Donald will lay claim to this circular token of appreciation, though. I have seen it all now and Donald will win hands down – anyone for Mars?
Mega SoreArse 40 R*ns
King Kanute 105
Salmonella Rushdie 250 (badge needed!)
Mummy's Boy 535, a very sad bastard indeed!
His Worship Colonic Irrigation then took over the circle and commenced to bash every European present. As I was one of them, I kind of lost track of the proceedings, but it was hilarious, I'm sure.
All I remember is Kannot Kan showing us a new way to drink from the sleeve – no, I'm not telling you how.
Quicksand being pulled out several times for wearing a rather titillating army dress, cor.. blimey!
And many other things... I then went home to see England being thrown out of Europe in the place where it really hurts, i.e. The European Cup.
It looks like things are improving all around. Rajoy was elected and immediately 24 young Spaniards came home, Brexit was approved and 24 English guys came back as well. It even looks like the Poles are still out there in great numbers, so somebody please shut the door upon returning from Paris. You don't want them to come back into Britain holding a Cup, do you?