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RUN REPORTS (See Hash History Page for Years 2015 and previous years)
Sunday 8 July
Hares: Golden Cascade and Kindergarden Cop
he Driving over Pissed-On Lemons Run”
e title refers to some obscure novel about a couple of newly wed Brits trying to find a house in an unspoilt and idyllic part of Spain. The hubby, Robert the K, already enjoyed a certain amount of fame before writing the novel, as he had been the shoe polisher of the Bay City rollers. It's a long story, but finally they ended up buying some shack between a golf course and a motorway on the Costa del Sol. Also interesting to know, perhaps, is that next week's r*n will be held from this shack and there will be a World Cup extravaganza with the Belgium versus Croatia match to follow.
idea where the lemons come into that story, but on today's r*n we had plenty of lemons, courtesy of GC and KK. They were strategically placed by a tree, so that all 15 Hash dogs had a chance to sprinkle them generously. Blue even decided to cut a loaf right on top. Jyzzical Ferk arrived a wee bit on the late side, so had no idea of the added flavour, and decided to put several lemons in his pocket. If life gives you lemons...
But first, a fairy tale:
Once upon a time, in an Urban Jungle far far away, there lived a couple of Estate Agents, Hansel Clonk and Gretel Bang. They had numerous sons and no matter how hard they worked, all the money went on Play-stations and Armani Jeans with holes in them. One day, the sons got together and decided that drastic action was needed. The new iPhone 11 was about to be released and they were starting to panic. They called a meeting with the hapless couple and told them to go out into the jungle to find a sales opportunity pronto. Thus they set on their way – it was an arduous task, all they saw at first were several time-share shacks, which they had decided to steer well clear off. However, suddenly in a clearing amongst the luscious trees they saw a magnificent abode! It was spectacular and they ran towards it. All around the palatial residence there were signs saying “sell me, sell me!” and they immediately started to conjure up the spiel they would give their prospective clients, the commission they would earn and whatever makes estate agents cream their pants.
Then, a charming lady slowly opened the door, accompanied by the soothing tones of bag-pipe music and smiled at them. “Would you like to come in for a viewing?”, she offered. Little did they know that this was the 'Appy Witch... and they went in without a second thought. Next thing you know, they are locked in a cage and the 'Appy Witch is telling them about the fate that awaits them: “I will keep you here until you are starved and skinny and then I will put you on the barbecue, ha ha ha !” Clonk protests: “Now wait a minute, you've got that the other way round – you are supposed to fatten us up!” The Witch replies: “No, sorry, but I'm on a strict diet and I can only eat scrawny humans...” She then adds: “Looking at you Clonk, it will take weeks before you get skinny enough, but it will be worth the wait”.
And so our heroes find themselves trapped in a beautiful abode with nothing to eat, waiting for the threatened barbecue. The only thing she feeds them are thimbles of shrimp cocktails and morsels of lettuce. The Witch, who is a bit short-sighted, also tells them that Clonk will have to stick his little finger out from between the bars to check on his girth. But Clonk wasn't born yesterday, so he decides to stick something else to the witch – the only part of his body that is thinner and smaller than his little finger... and the witch is fooled! She immediately starts up the barbecue with vigour – flames are shooting up to the ceiling and smoke billows. In her excitement, she has already opened the cage and doesn't notice through the smoke screen that Clonk has escaped. She bends over the Barbecue and Clonk pushes her in! She sizzles and pops and turns into a blackened mass in just a few seconds. Clonk helps Gretel out of the cage and they flee rapidly – running towards the nearest Macdonalds, where they eat happily ever after.
Oh yes, the r*n...
What do I remember about it? It was hot... and there wasn't a tree in sight. However, the Hares had decided that they would provide some shade by sending us through a marines obstacle course overhung by spiky reeds. A great Hash, of course. Initially, there was some disturbance with some little boy squirting out all kinds of agonizing noise through a bugle, but that was quickly sorted out by Lip Service. The little boy can now never fart unnoticed again.
The Hares got a well-deserved 7.8 for their effort – some points were distracted for trying to steal the left-over flour. Kindergarden claimed he had taken it to bake some lemon pie later on, but we all know better than that.
Tittanic 15 , Seaman Staines 180 , Yogi Bear 225, Jyzzical Ferk 245 and Aphrodisiac 260 r*ns.
Lip Service was finally able to put her generous mouth around the Royal Pewter Mug that comes with 50 runs as well.
Yogi and Colonic Irrigation had some trouble following the river, but fortunately, Golden Cascade gave them some ace directions over the phone, so they were able to rejoin the fold.
Rob the Knob and Sandpaper Sally came back from their honeymoon - they had decided to get married outside Spain to avoid loads of Hashers flooding the ceremony, nevertheless Pinocchio, Happy Days, Dipper and Gobbiechov had made the Channel crossing as they did not want to miss the Wedding of the Year.
Finally, Kindergarden Cop had given the run co-ordinates for Africa, so Seaman Staines, 'Appy Ending, Steven No Name and Smoochy accompanied Elephant Ass across the Sea of Alboran to find this mythical run site. They said farewell to him soon after they set off and he continued his journey alone thereafter. Happy travelling buddy, hope you will have many great runs out there!
SUMMER CAMPOUT WEEKEND
Run number 1583 Saturday 30th June. Hares Sir Flakey and Stiffanny.
Mijas Hash "" Back to the Bush " Campout week-end at Camping La Bolera Sierra del Pozo Friday 29th June to Sunday 1st July.
Friday evening 29th June forty five or so motley hashes arrived in dribs and drabs anticipating a weekend of debauchery, dalliances, booze and some exercise....It didn't disappoint! Good food, great music, dancing, singing and wingeing. There is always one! New friends, old friends, decrepid friends, fat friends, thin friends but one common goal. We will have a good time. We certainly did.
We drove in convoy some 40 plus hashers to an area in the Sierras near Lake Bolera. Our hares announced at our own peril we did the macho route..not for the faint hearted. Narrow paths skirting a very steep gorge to start then up up up to panoramica vistas,waterfalls, lakes, campo and of course beneath the searing heat of the midday sun.
So two trails. The machos set off to begin the perilous climb. Actually not too bad. Fleet of foot and steady of limb we all managed very well. Then the tunnel. Lilo with very limited knee bend had to go on all fours and poor Mega Sore Ass nearly lost his nose up anal treat. Surviving the ordeal more up, then more up, then more up and low and behold we met the wimps. More up. Eventually a nicely graded meandering path to enjoy the views and get the heartbeat down but then an arrow...Quelle horreur...... pointing up. Up again? N,est-pas possible!! Many expletives......up and up and up. Weary limbs. Eventually the much needed down. A gentle meander to an oasis of river, waterfall, beer and rest. Beautiful. A swim in a waterfall, a paddle in a river or social interaction with the lame and the infirm. Most welcome. The wimps steadily arrived. After the beer stop onward in a more gentle fashion back to the cars to drive a short distance to Lake Bolera for the circle.
Fortunately a seated circle imbibing our cold drinks and eating freshly prepared wraps for lunch. Thanks to Stiff, Sticky and Streaky. The water was gorgeous.
Our R.A introduced the iced vagina as a suitable punishment to atone for our sins. He struggled rather to inflate the vag " Lacking technique and practice I guess" but eventually got there. Sinners atoned and anniversarios announced we belly laughed our way at Colonics sermon.
Returning to camp we enjoyed a feast at the campsite restaurant and tripped the light fantastic until wearily we collapsed to bed.
Run number 1584 Sunday July 1st. Hares Elvis aged 8, Sir Flakey past it and Siffanny up for it.
Another stunning day. After a hearty cholesterol ridden bacon fest the Hair of the Dog Run. A wee amble not. It was a proper run set by our hares early that morning. God bless them. Most of the group took part.... Lovely campo. meandering paths, undulation, panoramica vistas and a stunning gorge.The pack were reasonably intact with hearty voice and good intent. The first beer stop was at the lake where the infamous floating bar was resurrected. Rehydrated in the balmy water we then set off to the second beer stop.
The path overlooked a huge gorge and we meandered along until we stopped a convenient place. Tinto Verano in hand we then clambered to a view point overlooking Cazorla National Park. A feast for the eyes. Words cannot express the sheer magnificence of the scenery. Most humbling in it,s glory. Elvis our hare led us back to camp where the circle convened.
So many high scores. An average of 9.5. Well deserved. A renaming of Dry Bollocks to " Pending " ( Load of bollocks to me ) and two christenings Garibaldi and Hairy Harry Hill. Welcome to you all. Anniversarios Garibaldi 10, Quicksand 50, Itchy 65, Salty Rim 20, Sticky Tart 265, Uncle Fester 270, Colonic Irrigation 360, Stiffanny 410, Swiss Roll 530 and the saddest of all Mummies Boy 615.
The weekend was possibly the best ever. There was something for everyone. Sir Flakey and Stiffanny had surpassed previous glories. Everyone had an absolute blast. Many people mucked in to assist and you know who you are which all added to the joy of the event. On On to next year and on on Mijas Hash.
Date: Sunday 24th June
Run No. 1582
Hares: ‘Kan Not Kan’ was the hare [singular] of the day and achieved an amazing triple option run for the main pack, ‘Walkers (wankers)’ and Old Farts Stroll (OFS). Set on the outskirts of Alhaurin, the meeting point was given by Geo Co-Ordinates thus allowing all the Millennials to easily find the meet point. The narrative directions on Facebook did however require a significant degree of informed interpretation and the GM was noted to comment that the directions might have been easier to follow if the number of street lights on-route were also recorded (552 was the GM’s best understanding). Added to which the number of Ferreteria’s seen whilst driving through the town and passing Mrs Miggins’s Pie Shop may have been helpful. The ‘X’ marks the stop in the middle of the meeting field was noted to be off-centre by an Easting error of 200mm. The normal ‘HHH’ direction signs were not used to guide the Hashers to the meet point as the GM still had them in his car, the Hare however improvised with a form of HHH hieroglyphic.
The Run: The Hare confirmed the trail markings for the day to be traditional MH3. Three run options were well described and the inclusion of two Beer Stops gave the pack good comfort. The pack being of sound mind and capability, no one was seen to take the OFS route and most enjoyed a mix-n-match run using the main trail and the ‘W’ trail. This was significantly helped by the cleverly inter-woven routes crafted by the Hare. The first leg of the trail to BS1 was through the wooded foot-hills of the region and gave the pack a challenging mix of forest tracks, trails and rocky climbs. All markings were clear and the Hares ‘special edition’ dibber especially fabricated for the day proved its worth. During the complex rocky section the ‘On-On’ blobs were at 2m spacing. Notwithstanding, Mega-Sore-Arse succeeded to recover from a major trip on this section bloodied but otherwise unharmed. BS1 was sited at a well-constructed forest meet point and beers enjoyed; however the eggy crisps and ‘olive & anchovy’ crisps were open to mixed reviews. It was at BS1 when the Harriet’s engaged in some ‘upskirting’ selfie shots – all within the constraints of current Criminal Law. A range of emerging offences started to mature and these are recorded later. The second leg from BS1 to BS2 was again a carefully structured mix for the pack to take either the main trail of the ‘W’ trail, most took the ‘W’ trail. Good views, good shaded trails and a mixed running terrain made for a good leg to BS2. BS2 was well positioned and again offer the necessary recovery beer-foods-beer for the pack. It was at this point that the ‘W’ route was also considered to be the ‘Wise’ trail. The last leg of the trail was mainly on tarmac and this did bring some criticism later-on in the Circle. But here again the route did offer excellent views and the topiary Cork Oaks were quite impressive. The pack sadly lost direction on the last leg and some hashers were lost (succumbed to the nearby bars). The run was awarded a score of 8.6 by the circle
The Circle: Sir Flakey held the circle and was seen to be overly kind to those testing the camping chairs for next weekend. With the aid of the special GM clip-board and snitching, Sir Flakey gave out the duly necessary punishments where needed. Matters of the Circle included:
Visitor / Virgin: Tom (Friend of ‘From Behind’) was lost on the last leg and never seen again. Tom was noted to have had 7 Vodka-Red Bulls for breakfast.
Anniversaries: Musalim 15; Lilo Lil 155; Karma Chameleon 400; Golden Cascade 410.
RA’s cleansing: Cleansing of the hashers soles included; Shaggy – serious abuse of a sock and fouling the trail in sight of the cars; Speed Bumps – overzealous celebration of San Juan and sharing her ‘white bikini bum’ with everyone at the festival and to the particular pleasure of some Argentinian males;
On After: At the Venta el Nacimienot with a slightly reduced attendance due to losses en-route. Good food and wine was enjoyed by all. ‘From Behind’ made friends with a Stag Beetle and for some reason allowed it to sleep on his chest. This proved to be a challenge as the exuberance of Clog Dancer’s farewell my have been fatal for the poor beetle. Forgiveness will be sought.
On-On, Clog Dancer.
Run number 1580 Lauro Golf Sunday 10th June.
Broke-back Mountain , 2 Gay Germans, A.K.A “Beer Stop Closed For Refurbishments” Run.
Scribe Eggshell Blonde. Scouse-English translation Lilo Lil, Hares Rubherturd and Kanute.(The Germans)
A good turn out of around 30 runners arrived after negotiating a very uneven, rocky, overgrown, non car friendly track. Several groans about cars scratched & suspension knackered as a result of their endeavours.
Included in the motley crew was Clare a virgin arriving late after following the Hares coordinates via the Sea of Tranquillity and Apollo 11s Moon debris. Her first outing to savour the wonderful scenery and enjoy a beer stop with a view.....not. With such numbers Stiffany seized the opportunity & bullied everyone into buying hash haberdashery by foul means not fair!
Hardy and enthusiastic we were on an 8 or 9 kilometre hike through campo, woods, meandering paths climbing gradually the hilly terrain was not unreasonable. As usual Sweaty Bollocks had to be an F.R.B. Competing in every way to stay ahead.
Lilo announced at the fist check she wasn't doing any today! DIDN,T LAST LONG. On checking around Speed Bumps reported a man high on the hillside masturbating . (she then quickly disappeared)
The pack quickly became dessimated as the
run was more of an afternoon hike enabling the fitties to move way ahead and the
slowies to salivate at the prospect of a beer stop/rest........not.
Onward and upward we manouevred over a German Antfest created with flour strategically placed on a obstructing log. The sun beating down. Brows furrowed and chests expanded. Social interaction diminishing as peoples legs heavied. Beer,beer,beer? An oasis of rest?.................NO. THE GERMANS REFUSED US.
Nearly 2 hours later for the front runners and sadly three hours for Kindergarden Cop and Gobichov (after a search party had been looking for them) we eventually could imbibe and refresh our de- hydrated bodies. Poor Gobi was most uncomfortable as this was too much for the metal hip!
Eventually Flakey convened a circle only to be interrupted by a Spanish ranger photographing all of our vehicles number plates which apparently were illegally parked and were a fire hazard. Ominous after a heated exchange earlier between myself, Semen and Karma regarding foreign car eligibility in Spain for which I was subsequently iced!!! Bloody German's fault.After Golden Cascade prostrated herself and sweet talked the Spanish Official he allowed us to remain.
Circle reconvened. Flakey was in earnest not to persuade the group to mark the run hash shit. As if !!! Just say when was twitching to remove the toilet seat from her neck and swiftly the consensus was hash shit. Unfortunate as with a Beer Stop it could have been an 8+ The Hairs looked distinctly miffed and protested “Ve dont have zee Beer Stops in Ting Tong Land” as they where duly iced!
As usual the R.A Colonic amused and
insulted us, particularly the Germans who were sat on ice for a lengthy period.
Anniversarios were French Erection 105 and Kindergarden Cop 520.
OnOn to a fabulous Sunday Roast with the usual banter and cries of “that's my wine”. Speed Bumps arrived in an Elephant Costume that didn't do her memory any good as sadly she lost her car keys! I do hope she found them.
Signing off Eggshell.
Mijas H.H.H The non drinking club with a BEER STOP PROBLEM!
3 June 2018 15:00h
Run #1579 – The Corpus Christi / JSW Birthday Run
Date & time:- Sunday 3rd June 2018 15.00h
Location:- Pizarra, mirador on mountain road uphill from village
Hares:- Just Say When & Salmonella Rushdie
The information on the website looked comprehensive, with appropriate date, time and location data, including coordinates for the runsite. Unfortunately, the latter pointed to the middle of a housing estate in Pizarra, some way off the entrance to the road to our actual runsite, as we subsequently discovered. Still, the written directions were clear enough, and included a range of starting locations.
We were also told that the On-On would be a picnic with paella cooked onsite by our resident paella chef. Surely something to look forward to, and just bound to draw a huge turnout...
On The Way
Getting to Pizarra was straightforward, mostly along major roads, and following the given directions up through the village was fairly easy. The turning point to the broad graded mountain road was clearly marked with a large arrow in flour on the road. Now, there is a certain type of person who can follow a marked trail to, say, a bridge, and start across, but fail to make it to the other side, because of the lack of an encouraging mark halfway across; such a person is almost certainly a Hasher. And so it was that as we proceeded along the mountain road there were no more markings, and at a certain point we began to wonder if we had mistaken the route, or perhaps just overshot the runsite. However, encouraging words and a little persistence paid off, and soon the comforting sight of parked vehicles – particularly a large camper van – came into view, just short of a ‘mirador’ built onto the side of the road.
Gathering Of The Clans
The camper van signalled the presence of Chicken George (aka ‘Ayam’), fresh back from yet another abortive sojourn to Portugal. Also amongst the early arrivals were Sweet ‘n’ Low, Eggshell Blonde and Lilo Lil, and Up Yer Bum. There were some flour markings just short of the mirador leading down to a parallel ‘lay-by’ below, and at the bottom was a sump and some pipes coming out of the wall of the mirador; a woman was filling bottles from the steady stream of water – I trust they weren’t drain pipes from the road or some hidden hamlet further up the hill...
I walked up the lay-by to the other end of the mirador, and was just standing contemplating the stunning view out over the valley when I was joined by another Hasher, whose face I was astonished to see – my old pal Rebore, from the Bristol Greyhounds and sundry other English West Country Hashes! I had seen his name on the Mijas H3 website guest list, but little did I expect to bump into him; the last occasion had been one bitterly cold (2degC) and windy February night in 2014 on the North Somerset coast. So of course, we stood there in the Spanish sunshine ‘shooting the breeze’, catching up on old times as the rest of the pack arrived and got the runsite together.
Mijas Hash is a Hash with international connections – notably the Far East - and is regarded by those ‘in the know’ as something of a landmark in European Hashing. As the pack assembled, a number of international wanderers were in evidence; aside from Rebore from Old Blighty, there was Chicken George (or ‘Ayam’) from Thailand/Malaysia, King Kanute from Thailand/Malaysia/Singapore, From Behind from Norway, and your scribe Kannot Kan from Singapore/Malaysia.
At some stage the Hares, Just Say When and Salmonella Rushdie arrived, along with the Hash Chef, Mummy’s Boy, who busied himself setting up a portable paella stove and cooking spread. Your scribe failed to notice the arrival of Streaky, our redoubtable Hash Cash, and earned a wigging for failing to divvy up the Hash fee before taking a drink (shocker!).
At the appointed time, our esteemed GM, ‘Sir’ Flakey called the pack to order, and made the introductory remarks, including appointment of this week’s scribe, thanks to the previous scribe, and presentation of returnees: Sweet ‘n’ Low, Chicken George, Up Yer Bum, and Streaky. Nobody was identified as a visitor, all having attended during the preceding weeks. The Hares were then called in to give an account of their run, co-Hare Salmonella Rushdie attracting some scoffing for his minimal part in laying trail. No explanation of Mijas H3 markings was deemed necessary for this pack, though snippets were volunteered by Sir Flakey anyway. Just Say When commented: “When you’re on, you’re on.” – huh?? - admirably clarified by the GM: “None of this ‘On one, on two, on three shit!” However, the announcement of not one but two beer stops was greeted with glee. As an afterthought, the GM showed off the brand new HHH signs and flour ‘dobber’ – someone’s excellent Hash handiwork. Finally the 18 or so of us assembled for the traditional pre-Hash group photograph by Hash Flash Seaman Staines.
Off we went, down the lay-by to a point opposite the water-pipes, to a gap in between two masses of beautiful pink-blooming oleanders, where members of the pack were disappearing over their heads in some deep drop. It turned out to be a large smooth rock that took a bit of ginger negotiating down to a sloping path below, which gave out onto an open hillside field. I had stayed back to get snapshots of my fellow Hashers tumbling down the rock, and then saw that all bar one had followed the open field round to the left. The lone Hasher standing on a hummock a little way ahead – it was Rebore, from Blighty and thus determined to do the ‘proper thing’, called out to me: “The trail is here! They’re all shortcutting!” And so it was – the whole pack except the two of us, trying to get a head start (shocker!).
The trail led across a couple of open fields full of beautiful blue flowers and nothing else, in the middle of which was the first check, broken to the right and on downhill, eventually reaching a broad graded road remarkably similar to the one we had parked on at the runsite. Indeed remarks were heard, such as: “We’re going round in a bloody circle!”. It was not to be, though. Instead, the Hares led us upward away from the runsite, up and up... and up an interminable slope, round a couple of shallow bends until we came across a marking ‘BS’ – a beer stop! What a welcome prospect, as we walked up what seemed like another kilometer - at least! - uphill, finally gaining the refreshment point.
First Beer Stop
There at the top of the slope, on a narrow ridge was our co-Hare Salmonella Rushdie with his wagon packed full of cold beer, and surrounded by grateful Hashers slaking their thirst and taking photos of the wonderful views on both sides of the ridge. I listened carefully, but didn’t hear a single disparaging comment about the co-Hare’s contribution to the trail this time... It’s wonderful what a little healthful exercise and a powerful thirst can do for the attitude!
Now, as you may remember, there is a certain type of person, who can follow a marked trail to, say, a beer stop on a mountain ridge with beautiful views off into the distance, but still have very little idea of his location in relation to the surrounding landscape; such a person is not only almost certainly a Hasher, but may even inexplicably have the responsibility of being a co-Hare. And thus it was, that our estimable Salmonella kept insisting that a small settlement off in the mountains to our west was Alhaurin El Grande – in fact it was probably Alozaina or one of the small villages to the north of there that he was looking at; as a temporary resident of Alhaurin El Grande, I was able to point it out to him, practically due south of our viewpoint, though all but the edge masked from view by a local outcrop. I wondered at that point whether there would indeed be a second beer-stop...
On On Again
Refreshments consumed and enthusiasm duly restored, off we went again, following trail down a fairly steep path flanking a precipitous cliff. A little way down we came upon a large depression in the cliff wall, too shallow to be called a cave, where some enterprising party had carved the rocks at the foot into rectangular blocks suitable for sitting on. I couldn’t fathom the purpose of such an obviously strenuous exercise in rude sculpture; perhaps another Hasher – maybe the Hare – could fill us in on the history.
On we continued down the trail, Chicken George and me together well behind the rest of the pack, along fairly steep rocky trail carved into the surrounding outcrops, all the while with the impressive view out over Pizarra in front of us, affording plentiful opportunities for photos. On the way we came upon a marking that looked like a ‘VP’ for ‘viewpoint’, with the ‘P’ scuffed out, seeming to indicate that we go on left. Some way down the path, with no more marks appearing, we backtracked, followed the opposite direction from the VP mark, and duly found trail; this produced some criticism from Chicken George, and I agreed – unnecessary confusion there.
Further along this section of trail, we came to yet another check mark – a trail split – that had been left unbroken by the preceding pack. Now we had a musical interlude, as “Ayam took the high road and I took the low road, but neither of us got to see the Bonny Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond”. We recovered trail and trekked on to another place where the rocks had been carved – a full set of table and chairs was available for us to rest our refreshments this time.
After a perfunctory sit down and some photos from the cliff edge, Chicken George (Ayam) was getting a bit nervous about the possiblilty of encroaching darkness, since we were far behind the pack, so off we trotted down the path and around a sharp bend, only to come upon a ‘CB’ check back mark. Back we went past our entry point, and quickly found another check mark – a cross this time – on a flat rock area next to the end of the path, which stopped at the edge of a deep and precipitous chasm – a seriously dangerous drop if you didn’t know it was there. Beside it was a carved low stone parapet surrounding the entrance to a steep gully with steps going down. This must have proven too much of a distraction for the pack, because this check was also unbroken, though it seemed fairly obvius which way the Hare was taking us – into the bowels of the earth, it seemed. Down we went, through the stone tunnel, coming out onto a shallower area with soil cover and trees; we stopped for the obligatory photo-op at what Chicken George described as one of the best natural features he had encountered on any Hash.
Then on we trekked through the trees, looking for trail and eventually finding – yes – another cross-check, yet again unbroken by the pack! This time there was a choice of at least half a dozen different paths out of the area: being the experienced backwoodsmen we are, we were fazed only to the extent of a three-part Chinese cuss of the bloody useless pack, and it cost us only half a beer’s delay to find the right track. Anyway, a few short minutes later and we heard the sound of a Geordie mating call through the woods; there, perched up on a rock in the middle distance was the Hare, Just Say When, who generously guided us to the second beer-stop.
Second Beer Stop
Surprisingly, Salmonella had managed to find his way with the refreshments, and there was the rest of the pack, lolling about without a care in the world, in spite of the fact that they were – even after our arrival – short of two Hashers, King Kanute and Master Bates, otherwise known as The Expendables, for obvious reasons. Various – mostly sex-oriented - theories were advanced concerning their joint absence, but I didn’t spot any birch trees along the way...
This beer-stop was some way uphill from the upper edge of Pizarra village, and graced with a massive Spanish-style advertising board with nothing but decay on the front side, and behind it a terrace of plug-ugly buildings expressly constructed for gatherings of squatters and druggies. By this time I was beginning to enjoy the benefits of the second lot of refreshments, and hopeful that my phone memory might yield enough information for me to compose a half-way decent Hash Script; the chances of me doing so without this help would be slim indeed – how many other scribes have successfully recorded a two-beer-stop run?
Setting off down the road like a troupe of merry Hash automata, we were cozened by the Hare not to just potter back along the road, though that was the simple way, but to follow the trails so lovingly laid through the fields – not much longer, and infinitely more picturesque. And we did. And it was good!
Above all, I was absolutely delighted not to have missed the Mijas Hash characteristic Bad Taste spot, on this occasion a trail mark constructed from a prodigious pile of dog-turd (I presume?!) with a topping of flour. Also in evidence on the way back, as had been the case on the out-trail, were trail markings made of shredded paper. Now, this may be acceptable on some of the Hashes frequented by the international contingent, none of whom had any part in setting this run, but as so eloquently expressed by Sir ‘Firkin’ Flakey: “We don’t ever use firkin paper on the Mijas firkin Hash!”
Only one more semi-broken check and one unbroken split later, and the runsite was regained by all, and the Mystery of the Missing Nords was finally solved: “Ve ver ze whole time on ze trail!” according to King Kanute. Uh-huhh... But doing vot?... All sounds like Beer-Stop to me!
As I approached the Circle area, preparation of paella was in full swing, as was another ‘lost’ Nord, the redoubtable Master Bates: clearly rejuvenated by his promenade with King Kanute, there he was flinging the Hare about with wild abandon to the rhythm of his squawk-box, specially brought for the occasion.
Sir Flakey called the Circle to order, and we got on with the business of the day, offering our judgments of the Hares’ efforts. First up was Stiffanny, who tried unsuccessfully to suggest they deserved a ‘Hash Shit’; this was clearly unrelated to the fact that she was sitting there with the Hash toilet seat around her neck, the proud current holder of that prestigious award. Everyone else in the Circle could scarcely contain their admiration for the run, and the scores all-in aggregated to a stonking 9.5!
Next came the Hash Awards (for run tally): Mijas Hash makes these awards every five runs accumulated by a member, so the badge-makers are kept with a steady flow of business. This week, it was the turn of the following:
Lilo Lil – 150 +2 runs
Mummy’s Boy – 610 runs
Salmonella Rushdie – 305 runs
Seaman Staines – 175 + 1 runs
Stiffanny – 405 runs
I can’t help thinking some of these guys could stitch together a whole suit of Hash clothes out of their accumulated badges.
Now came the good bit - an assortment of charges, interspersed with an assortment of down-down songs and their accompanying drinks:
Stiffanny complained that in spite of her sterling efforts, nobody had bought any Hash gear from her. It turned out that Rebore had tried on some shirts but couldn’t find anything slim enough to fit him – a likely story! Witness any photograph of Rebore that goes below the neck.
Rebore then charged King Kanute with causing the Hare to wail unconsolably by disappearing off trail before the second beer-stop, thus disturbing the peace of the drinkers.
King Kanute in turn charged Sir Flakey with dissembling or prevarication about something or other (your scribe was losing the plot by then), for which he graciously took his down-down.
Sir Flakey then dobbed in fellow scousers Lilo Lil and Eggshell Blonde for shortcutting the last part of the trail (shocker!).
Lilo Lil followed with a ‘Them Too’ moment by charging all the men present on behalf of whoever miscalled the ‘Me Too’ movement the “Me Now” movement, which could be considered by some as incorrigibly opportunistic. Anyway...
Then, the GM dobbed in the Hare who was also the Birthday Girl for a traditional Hash Birthday dousing with cava. The ever-svelte Just Say When was presented with a Hash tanktop which she was hornswoggled into changing into in the Circle. Fortunately Up Yer Bum was on hand to preserve the modesty of the Hare and the cardiac health of the males present.
Almost as an afterthought, with the Circle’s attention directed to dress code, the GM dobbed in the Hash Chef, Mummy’s Boy, for not wearing Hash attire in the Circle. False Charge! Mummy’s Boy was indeed wearing Hash shorts for the Circle, and a special paella-resistant t-shirt. Sir Flakey, it should be noted, has only recently recovered from a terrible and protracted bout of gutrot, and now clearly has no fear of whatever culinary revenge might be dished upon him as a consequence of his gratuitous error.
Charges done, and honour satisfied all round, King Kanute was invited to step up and tell us about next week’s run: Sunday 10th of June 2018 15:30h at a point just south of Lauro Golf club, between the two Alhaurins.
Finally, the Hare and the Hash Chef were called in to present their free-of-charge paella-centred picnic on-on, to much applause and cheering, and the Circle was dismissed.
Now, by this point, the Hash Muse had drowned in a surfeit of Hash Refreshment, and your scribe is accordingly tempted to take a leaf out of the book of his immediate predecessor Squire Michael of Winchester, applying conciseness and economy to the description of the remaining proceedings, thuswise:
We made merry.”
Well, even if you feel like making up your own embellishments, you could scarcely do credit to the On-On, which was an extravaganza of excellent food, wine and liqueurs, accompanied by dancing to the music from Master Bates’ portable music machine, the ‘floor’ being dominated by the Hare and alternating partners Seaman Staines and Master Bates himself. The ‘naughty-cal’ duo at one point engaged in an attempted threesome cool swing style, egged on by all onlookers. All as the sunshine gradually mellowed over the beautiful valley beyond Pizarra.
All ye who didn’t turn out for this event, eat your hearts out – it was a Hash to remember!
On On On...
This is the report for run 27th May 2018
Run Number: 1578
Hares: Gang Bang and Lip Service
Location: Near Lew Hoads Tennis Club
The On On was at the Palace of India in El Coto.
No leavers were featured
Anniversaries: Elvis, 25 plus Y , and Sir Flakey with 525 runs.
Virgins: Marion and Georgie
The Run Score - 8.1
Comments on the run: the whole run was uphill to the beerstop. There were lot of grass seeds/thorns that got into some Hashersґshoes and acted as diversions. The second half of the run was downhill. There were only three crosschecks.
Hope that is ok - please let me know if more is needed,
Hash Scribe Run Number 1577 20 May 2018
Hares – Dipper/Gobichov At - El Campo Mijas
This was a short (4km) Run in familiar territory. The hares' intimate knowledge of the area served them well and the trail was well marked … as indeed was the signage to the Run start. It began with a loop that took us almost back to the beginning, and indeed for one hasher, Megasauarse literally back to the beginning! The Run subsequently continued to ultimately arrive at the beer stop.
This was most worthy of a mention … at the hares palatial mansion … a punch bowl, cava, beer of course, and lots of food including specially baked Tapas style (ie small) pastries. Oh, and fried egg flavour crisps! The pool was available for those who were brave enough, though this turned out to be only Elvis and French Erection. The weather was just a little too cool for the rest of us!
After a lengthy period the Run continued and we soon arrived back at the circle.
This was taken by our newly elected GM, Flakey assisted by the newly elected RA, Colonic Irrigation. Anniversarios were Rub Her Turd – 310, Colonic - 355, Swiss Roll - 525.
The On On was at El Brujo with the usual excellent food, and the somewhat slow service was countered by the hare having organised with the restaurant to have food on the table when we arrived.
Date: 29 April 2018
Hares: Colonic Irrigation and Five Knuckle Shuffle
Venue: Opposite Tweetsky’s Villa
We gathered for Tweesky Pie’s send-off run now that he’s ‘moved up’ to run with Pearly Gates H3. Our loss will be their gain!
As for our four visitors, we had a ‘Mistress’ ‘In the Kremlin’ (maybe Putin likes a bit of rough play) who ‘Comes More Often’ (probably not in the Kremlin) with ‘All You Can Eat’ (definitely not in the Kremlin).
The trail went down into the campo beside the road, back onto the road, under the motorway, and then down through Syria Heights (speak to Gang Bang to reserve one of the last remaining undamaged plots – value guaranteed to bomb!). We then meandered down along the side of the gully and then back up on blacktop on the other side to the Beer Stop. I got there just ahead of Flakey who was leading the FWBs (Fast Walking Ba**ards). Before moving on, we toasted Tweetsky with his national drink. The ‘In Trail’ was short and boring.
Megasorearse as ‘stand-in’ GM managed the circle admirably (note: AGM in two weeks and new GM needed). The visitors did amazingly well in remembering (with a lot of help from their friends) almost every hasher’s name. Scores for the trail ranged from a few very generous ‘9.9’s to a ‘1’ from Jizzical). The average was 8.something (I think maybe 8.2).
Pepper Grinder: 40
Finish Me Off: 50 (with mug)
Gang Bang: 310
Down Downs went to hashers not wearing Russki/yellow clothes, those wearing furry hats, non-mug holders, trail fowlers, and Community Chest (who was dibbed in, but didn’t hear why).
The write-is a bit sparse here as I was more focused on All You Can Eat’s positioning of her phone – nestled comfortably between her nipples. You probably all thought that the squeals of delight were because she was pleased to hear from you! Stiff Fanny’s phone did ring, but no squeals of delight.
Run no 1530
Torremolinos Bull Ring
Hares: Over and Done With/Bloody Pinocchio
Good Run - 9
Rain in the forecast as we headed Torremolinos way but the Coast only got hit around midnight by strong winds from the south - so another lucky escape on this sunday.
Most of us found the hares and the ale without too much hassle although “market day” with plenty of boot sales and closed access roads to the bullring. The exceptions were Dogs Bollox and Jerry Can, who both got utterly lost and caused a 20 minute delay of the run start!
The hares had been setting 3 runs; a Macho, a Wimps and a Super Wimps trail.
The MACHO took us through the woods and the underpass up the road and back again (
CB!) then in on the left and good trails till we started the long and hard climb up the dry riverbed. Counted 5 of us MACHOS whilst have it on good authority that King Kanute also did most of it but cut out the BS part. Just Say Gwen outrunning this scribe, Smart Arse (visitor), Kindergarden Cop + “redcap (forgot name)! After beerstop into the quarry and up the long trails to the top before heading down the long winding road and under the AP-7 where I saw an arrow leading into the woods. Never found paper again and ended up near Los Molinos Parking - far away from the runsite.
Well , eventually found my way back in but it’s a big BBQ area and it took time. In fact so much time so I got appointed SCRIBE as last person in the circle!
Started with 1 minute of silence for our dear departed hashfriend Tweetski Pie who departed for Valhalla the same morning. He shall be missed!
Visitors from Cyprus “Smart Arse”/WM and Cabin Boy/WM from Buenos Aires were introduced and the circle got into swing.
Anniversarios :Community Chest 135 runs/Up Ya Bum 660 runs and Mary Hinge 50 runs
But no badges to Salmonella Rusdi and Semen Stains as not present.
Mijas H3 AGM Run 2018 in Benahavis on saturday 12th/13th May 2018. Fliers handed out and details on website. Will be another great weekend with walks, runs, fish and chips and all night party. Looking forward to participate even SperMaid in Marocco?
Flakey stepped in as RA and called on Chicken George for being extremely senile. Had only minutes earlier stubbornly insisted there had never been an InterHash in Sarawak, Borneo -but the headband of RHT with “Sarawak InterHash 2010” did the trick and convinced everybody who was right and who was truely senile!
Elephant Arse rendered a “new” song. Had kind of expected “if your girlfriend etc etc” but this song text was different.?
On2 in the Pena Parque Animal where we had good food and wine for Euro 10.
Thanks to the Hares for a super day.
RHT (monday afternoon)
BE READ WHILE SHITTING
ON YOUR TOADSTOOL
RUN NO:- 1567 St Patrick's Day Run, El Chaparral
LEPRECHAUNS - Mick O'Flakey and Paddy O'Jizzical
ANNIVERSARIOS:- Over and Done With 45, Quick Sand 45 and Swiss Roll 520
Forty Nine leprechauns and faerie's dressed in 40 shades of green, met for the Ceiidh
(social gathering) to honour St Patrick.
Six Sacrificial Virgins had been selected to bring favour to the Hares
Off through the forests and glens and into the peat bogs. Some faeries must have had a premonition as they came well prepared in their designer Wellies.
Some were getting racked and were olaganin (moaning) before they reached the first Pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow, which was gaelic coffee and thimbles of Tia Maria and Baileys.
On through the prickliest of glades and through a reeded bog to the magic spring, where liquid black gold with a bubbly top sprung forth with lovely chocolate buns decorated with Shamrock icing. Truly scrumptious and faerie sized sausage rolls.
Two truly mytholgical dogs attacked Chico under his mothers legs and as she bravely fought them off "Cerberis" the most fearsome took a bite at Community Chest's arm.
Before leaving the magic spring, Paddy O'Jizzical requested a change to tradition and asked that everyone "Whisper" ON ON. We soon found out why. After being led through a deep peat bog, guided by a trail of toilet roll hanging on the bushes (seemingly very useful for Golden Cascade who stuffed it in her pants as she went).
Soon we were under attack by men with shillelaghs blasting little hard balls at us. Stiffany appeared as if by magic to show us the hidden trail across the emerald green lawn towards the woods and safety where the four old stooges had already been diverted by the flying balls, taking refuge in an ale house for their own Craic and a spot of live entertainment (well that's their excuse!).
Safely back from a great and enjoyable run a Magic Circle was formed. The Sacrificial Virgins were summoned and one was asked to explain the brown stains down her leggings. She replied that she had "shit " herself.
A small no. of those present were asked for their mark. Most thought it an impressive effort but two "stooks, acting the maggot" gave it derisory marks bringing the average down to 8.5.
Finally "out on the lash", something approaching thirty of us headed to the local Irish Ale and Fodder House where the black gold pumps forth and what a good craic we had getting well langered until the early morning for some of us, dancing to live music in an oversize pair of wet boots for yours truly.
SLAINTE, your Pixie scribe, Just Say O'When
RUN NO:- 1564 Los Pacos
SHEPHERDS:- Sheep Shagger and Up Your Bum (left to your imagination).
ANNIVERSARIOS:- Pepper Grinder 35; Sheep Shagger 110; Yogi 220; Streaky 445;
Mummy's Boy 600; Up Your Bum 655.
One Tup already lost. Elephant Arse found the wrong Galp Station. Sheep Shagger needs to invest in a new Sheep Dog to herd his flock around the course. With his unusual use of markings, no doubt inherited from Bangkok, we were all over the hills and roads for trails while others were left grazing at the check with a BAA BAA here and a BAA BAA there feeling Sheepish and Lost. Most remarked that there was too much TAAmac for the flock of sheep and this no doubt was also reflected in the score.
At the beerstop it was noticed how the sheep were drinking Softies instead of carrying water.
Off we went on the second course, which was very nice but had been done many times before and the back of the herd were lost once again. One of the Ewes has a little lamb with a golden fleece, who found herself a nice sheepdip to bathe in and came out black and stinking.
Back at the sheep pen The Reverend George Mooney was none
too sheepish in sorting out the Ewes and Tups from the lambs. Firstly the
Shepherds were chastised for the state of the circular Sheep Pen by the
former Health and Safety Executive, Mr Bear. Broken glass, tumbled down
walls and wire fences were strewn about.
One fine specimen of a Tup was brought into the Pen with no skin on his knees and was berated for being over zealous in his duties. Three of us sheep were warned for leaving the herd behind. Two other Tups were brought in for impersonating a Dog (sie) who had run off to the Airport before getting a bone for his 70th Birthday. Pepper Grinder, all wrapped in tin foil, fared much better getting a traditional birthday cake, made with flour, raw eggs, beer and topped with 1001's for his 55th Birthday. Mummy's Boy got his badge for joining the 600 Club and Celebrated with the other Anniversarios.
The much heralded Sheepfest would never have been found in the Nooks and Crannies of deepest Los Pacos if the flock had not followed the Shepherds. The lamb tagine Mummy's Boy had pre ordered and been salivating over, seemed to have escaped the slaughter and had become three little chicken drumsticks with three prunes and a remnant of sauce and a plate over flowing with french fries.
But the money added up correctly and so all went home happy.
BAA BAA, Ewe Scribe, Gweny the Sheep
Run number 1559
21 of January 2018
Hares - Colonic Irrigation and 5 Knukle Shuffle
The hares was blessed with a beautiful sunny day . Run took place in El Coto , near Fuengirola. Some 26 husheres got together , obviously because they had nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon. Run started at 15.00, but some really sad bastards Pepper Grinder and Over and done with , had decided to come even earlier 14.00 because they were really board at home .
What can I say- it was brilliant trail fucked up by the hares ( not enough checks ) , good beer stop with a fantastic view ( not enough crisps )
Brilliant second half ( not enough campo)
But the best of all we lost a Hasher - Phsycodelic , for that hares got an extra point .
Unfortunately Phsycodelic was found some 4 ours later by Swiss rol , so we would have to take point back.
Over all the score was 7,8 - 1
Aniversarios - Desperate Dan -35 runs , Sheep Shagger - 105 , Swiss Rol-515, Mummy’s Boy -595, Sweet and Low 350, Elephant Arse -200, Dogs Bollox -745, Afrodisнaco-255.
Over all good day .
January 14th - 2018
Run Number: 1558
Hares: YOGI and SEMEN STAINS
Location: Near top of Baranco Blanco – the Trail of the Four Lonesome Pines
RUN DESCRIPTION –
The Run Site directions were from the BP roundabout on the A3303 but the HHH sign was positioned by One Tit so that it could only be seen out of the car’s back window; One Tit may be backward occasionally. I commend Yogi for delegating authority but closer supervision was needed. Most people saw the turnoff as a good possibility and Yogi saved the day by the flour arrow on the ground. The wet conditions had still left the arrow intact luckily.
Only pine trees were visible for miles so into the forest we went on the Trail, many runners complete with brollys. It careered up and up and up so I quickly lost sight of most except Shaggerdelic. My little legs were soon last, not an ideal position for reporting on run action. The split trail allowed me to catch up some and there was a general delay at View Point VP-1 [the Seat] to look at the valley below. Shaggerdelic and other girls turned back at this point..
The vertical climb to the highest point split was such fun and easy that I stopped half-way to make a movie clip at an un-official VP.. Two or three people were swanning around after taking the wrong split route and consequently I was no longer last. So VP-2 and VP-3 bit the dust as I accelerated down the track as I could smell the Beer Stop. One or two more photos and I was last again when I reached the Stop.
After suitable refreshments Pussy Galore shortly followed by Just-say-When knew where the false trail did not go and zoomed away into the distance! Wrong... It was the rocky scree track for the downward route and soon the dogs had caught up.. I remember a tricky Check where it may have been marked wrongly but we were soon called back on trail by Just-Say-When, so no lost hashers.
I was viewing the girls up ahead when I was nearly knocked over by a convey of eight Dirt-Bike Roaders. I was finally left with our visitor and we lost flour near the Pylons. He finally found it but we were delayed.. In return, I put him back on trail very close to the end. We must not lose a Virgin! So I did my bit. It is the exercise that counts not winning..
CIRCLE BUSINESS -
Visitors: “No-Name Henry” from New York.
Returners and Leavers: Not celebrated.
Anniversaries: Just-Say-When 290, Shimisky 50, Quicksand 40, Mega-Sore-Arse 15.
Run Score: 8.2
Criminals and their Crimes:
NAMING & SHAMING BY RA COLONIC-
1. Sweet-and-Low: for smoking in the official Circle,
2. Rebore: for performing a “Daly Thomson” and leaping around in skimpy shorts,
3. Swiss Roll: for arriving stupidly early for a 1pm Run and ensuring that she will be “first and last”,
4. Yogi: for performing a Run Recce on an Electric Bike,
5. Rebore: for preventing Up-Your-Bum from ski-ing at her best. He proceeded to slip outside a Restaurant and landed on Bum; the subsequent decision was to eat lunch in Nerja and cancel the ski-ing,
6. Gang Plank: for giving up his prostate to the Cloud so that sex is available again for interested Hashers,
7. Various loving couples for breaking the “Sex on the Hash” rule, namely: a) Justin and Lip Service, b) Pussy Galore and Desperate Dan, c) Elephant Arse and Shimisky,
8. Rebore and Colonic: for hats in the Circle,
9. Too many sick Timeshare Conmen for selling to vulnerable people like myself. Names include Colonic, Gang Plank, Five-Knuckle-Shuffle, Pussy Galore, Swiss Roll, Rebore, Shaggerdelic, Sweet-and-Low, One Tit,
10. People with Asian and Chinese connections for fraternising too much, namely Sheep Shagger, Psychodelic, Gang Plank, Elephant Arse, Quicksand, Colonic,
11. Five-Knuckle-Shuffle: for being last on the Five Km shortcut to the Beer Stop,
12. Lip Service and Sweet-and-Low: for out-of-order conversations,
ACTION BY GM PUSSY GALORE-
13. Mummy’s Boy: for leaving his blind man’s stick behind on another hash,
14. No 50-Run mugs: Too many to name but include Psychodelic.
Hash Scribe: PSYCHODELIC
I thought I had come back to the Costa del Sol,but it appeared more like Costa del Snow
A rather disappointing number of Hashers assembled at Guaro Cemitario to honour our departed Hashers