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RUN REPORTS      (See Hash History Page for Years 2015 and previous years)

Run No :- 1542 Rio Ojen and "Not the Halloween Run"

Hare :- Just Say When

Anniversarios :- Community Chest 115, EggShell Blonde 155 +1, Streaky 435 and Sir Flakey 565

This is your Stand in Scribe, Stand in GM and Stand in Hare (for the circle) reporting!!

Ominously it promised to be a challenging day.

The Hare had set off expecting to meet up with her opposite no., who would be setting the main route in to the run site via La Cala Golf. Having waited an hour and with no Internet and limited phone connectivity it was apparent she was "on her own" and having to make a late start and wouldn't be able to set all of the route in.

Hashers were expected from 3.30 but the only sign was from the lost souls, ringing in for directions. A lone cyclist was spotted but ignored until finally Jizzical came along, saw that it was Pinnochio making his way up from the coast and offered a helping hand. Slowly one by one some 30 Hashers arrived and to even more excitement as they tried to turn on the narrow, 1 in 6 hill and park.

Park!! Our American friend had obviously been away from his Native Land for too long, having forgotten he was supposed to lock his wheels against the kerb on steep hills in order to prevent a runaway. AND that is just what happened!! The car was not in gear, the handbrake not fully applied and 200ft of mountain loomed.

Swing into action our Super Heroes, Megasaurass and Jizzical Ferk were quickly out of the blocks and running down the road and foolishly putting their bodies behind the accelerating Honda. The speed stabalised, as more troops arrived to finally stem the tide. Elephant Arse jumped in and accelerated up the hill, parking above the Black BMW of Egg Shell and Lilo. All was safe barring a possible attack on the grill of their 4x4!

Beers and Water distributed, the Hare set off for the Cava stop and the Circle started. The stand in Scribe, GM / Hare ascertained that 18 would be going to the ON ON and advised that there were seperate starts for the Walkers and Machos. So following the banks of the Rio Ojen all  headed towards the Cava stop some 2kms up stream where the River was wide, the water warm and crystal clear with plenty of large rocks to sit upon. A Doggy and a little girls Heaven. For our Super Hero Jizzical it was on up the firebreak for a Super Macho return. Others headed back over the bend in the river and along the unspoilt Valley.

Anniversaries were suitably celebrated, Sinners held to task and the Hare was awarded a hard earned 9.2

Finally to the ON ON for a good old Anglo Russian Sunday Roast.

Run number 1539 Up in the mountains

First an egg-shell blond joke: There has been a call to rename the British virgin Islands due to the fact that they have now been well and truly fucked.

4 o'clock meet up just east of Mijas for a run promised to be an easy 5.5 KM. summer stroll.

We started at 420 metres above sea-level and then went up and up and up and up and up until finally we levelled off. By this time we were losing the will to live and Swiss roll's nose was pouring with blood from the altitude.

"great views from the beer stop" the hares kept saying trying to deflect the criticism. Yeh, nice views from the top of Everest as well.

The second half was a more pleasant descent back to the cars.

Up yer bum and myself thought it was a good opportunity to pass on hash-shit but having been promised a few votes were let down in the circle.

On-on was a local curry with the turn out being a disappointing 8 out of about 25. Hashers must have known about the curry-house's reputation.

Anniversarios: Mummy 580, Up-yer-bum 640 Sir sparky 375 Lip service 31.

Your Scribe



Run number 1538 Gone to the Dogs!!! Well the directions certainly

had! panic reigned....then...finally instructions, A proposed convoy

from Da Bruno with an E.T.A of 11 minutes to the run site ( via Concorde on steroids! ) The circle convened at Galgo Dog Sanctuary in Alhaurin de la Torre, a worthy cause supported by Mijas HHH. A good turnout for the last of the Sunday morning runs with our worthy hares Aquasex and Speed Bumps. With temperatures in excess of 30deg the promised run" not too far and fairly level" didn't disappoint. The well marked run with the usual distractions kept the pack together to a panoramica vista overlooking the dog sanctuary, then on-on to the beer stop. Yes STOP! The hardy hashers approaching the beer stop were presented with a 2.5M high chain mail LOCKED gate.... Hares and beer on the other side. A system of "order and throw" was quickly implemented.

On leaving the beer stop several kleptomaniac's were guilty of pilfering fruit contrary to hash rule. Leave only footprints and take nothing. The well marked trail was about to change as the numerically challenged hares caused confusion over a numbered check back incorrectly marked.

The Red Barron and Dipper took the circle with the usual punishments for misdemeanour's. Dipper our R.A named our new recruit "Lost the plot a lot". No explanation required!! Anniversarios Appy Ending 60. Jizzical Ferk 235, Pepper Grinder 20. A worthy mark of 8,7 for the hares. The On-On was not far away with three courses and a drink for 10eu!

Well done hares. On-On

Your Scribe

Egg Shell Blonde


Sunday 27 August  Hares: Kindergarten Cop & Norwegian Blue aka Nine-One-One

And now for something completely different...

After the rather bland white sands of Zanzibar and the crumbling edifices of Stone Town, it was time again for the upmarket holiday atmosphere of La Cala with its classy tourists and state-of-the-art architecture. Our Hares had gone to great lengths (5.4 clicks, to be exact) to delight us with a easy peasy run along the magnificent foothills of the area with herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across their slopes and with a bit of sun-drenched beach thrown in as well. One of the Hares, Norwegian Blue aka 911 (“lovely plumage”) had even organized a beer stop next to his natatorium. Mind you, he did take the precaution to build a house around it first – these are Hashers after all. As a result, we had Swiss Roll skulking around the perimeter to sneakily find a way in, but she was unsuccessful and was left pining for the mini-fjord.

At this stage, one of the visiting Hares, Sir Humpalot, after putting down his coconut shells, realized he had lost his running mate, Peter No Name. This gave rise to some name suggestions, e.g. Lost Cause and Lost Property, but all this was nipped in the bud by Clogdancer who did the complete R.A. spiel while marking the run... Now, it will have to be next week, when the Mijas H3 is really going to the dogs.

After this, a small group of rather silly hashers made their way back to the car park following the flour, while the rest made us of their fine orientation skills to make a straight bee line for home. Surprise, surprise, though, when the whole car park had suddenly been moved 90║, turning the whole thing into an A to B run with no previous warning.

The score for all this excitement came to a 8.5, I believe and after a rather wet circle – Clogdancer thought that throwing beer on top of the R.A. was the funniest thing ever, but we all know that the funniest joke ever invented was the famous 'Mein Hund hat keine Nase.' 'Also, wie riecht er?'

'Schrecklich!', a joke that killed half the British Intelligence (sorry for the oxymoron) before it could be put to use against the Krauts – we all postponed to the Indian restaurant.

We had a lovely meal there, until Sir Shaggalot started to ask the waiter all sorts of funny questions... it started off innocent enough: 'where is the chef from?' and 'does he like things that smell of fish?', but after our Knight of the Square Table had imbibed his fair share of vino collapso it quickly deteriorated. When he said 'Excuse me, but I have a bit of a dirty fork“, Lip Service and I quietly bade our goodbyes, just before Mongo the chef came out of the kitchen with a massive carving knife. Let's see how many Hashers will be left for next week's Doggy Style run...

Oh, and the 'Aniversarios':

Norwegian Blue 5 ex-runs

Community Chest 110 runs

Gardener 55 runs

IzzyinYet 115 runs

Kindergarden Cop 490 runs

On on!

Just In, with a kind wink of dedication to the Life of Bryan, a scribe-no-more, whose boots I am not worthy of licking.

Run Report 1533  Guadalmas bird Santuary.

Sunday 30th July

Hares Seamen Stains and Appy ending

Great start to the run. Missed the last HHH sign and was just about to go back when UpyerBum said "Look a short cut across the beach" Stupidly I followed her advice and the photo above shows the result, Well and truly stuck. Even the combined efforts of 10 hashers could not budge us. Fortunately a good Samaritan Spaniard came along with a 4x4 and a tow rope and got us out of the mess.

Having delayed the hash by half an hour we finally set off at 5 pm for what the hares called a short run in the bird sanctuary. Seamen decided that 80 years of hashing with checks all over the world was probably a mistake so decided to do away with them, causing some confusion. "Slow down, take your time at the  "BV" Bird views" Seamen kept saying worried that the run would be over in 30 mins. He wasn┤t wrong. Half the pack missed the beer stop and were waiting at the end with no refreshments.

Some silly high marks kept the average high. The current hash shits - dogsy & upyerbum awarded hash shits also thirded by Clog Dancer. 3 hash shits was not enough-damnit!

The meal was supposed to be at a great pizza restaurant except it was closed so everyone buggered off. It's not too late for a posthumous hash shit award.

The good news is that nobody died. Maybe we should stop scaremongering and just get on with the hash.



P.S. No stats 'cos I put the stats paper in the wash.


Run Report 1532 Alhaurin al Grande

Sunday 23rd July 1600hrs

Hares Just Say When, Uncle Fester and Sticky Tart,

Well my start to the Run was not the best, a terrible Hangover, pounding head, and nothing to eat all day was not the best start, and soon to get even worse. After having set off for Alhaurin in plenty of time, the Rav 4 decided to flash all the light on the dash, splutter and spit and we had to return home pick up another car, dump the broken down one at the garage and start all over again. Consequently I forgot my shoes. We arrived about 20 minutes late, Sir Flakey ran off to get in the photo leaving me with an 8 kilo water melon to carry, the hash potty and subsequently the scribe report. Not a happy hasher.

Anyway enough of my miseries,  everyone ran off at a tremendous pace despite the 30 plus degree heat  and after declining Karma Chameleons kind offer of a pair of size 10 shoes, I set off in a pair of flip flops as the Hare said I would be fine. A well-marked trail leading off into the nice shady  pine trees. It was soon quite obvious that I was indeed wearing unsuitable footwear, pine needles, twigs and rocks hampered my progress, and I was soon overtaken by our love birds Justin and Lip Service who although expressing great concern over my footwear still left me tripping and flipping. I was Billy no mates, alone in the forest as even little Eve abandoned me, After about 2.5 kms a steep downhill climb definitely not suitable for the flip flop wearers, a rocky river bed also not suitable for said footwear, I found Little Eve, everyone else and the beer stop. Thankfully the Water melon had made it to the beer stop and along with a huge chunk of that and a piece of Sticky Tarts incredible sticky Chocolate Brownie, a hairy dog drink and the hangover was starting to subside.

Two choices from here the Macho trail or the walkers trail. For me I took the easy option, a ride in the car with Just Say when, my feet were wrecked. Back at the start, the hares unloaded the car, Sticky Tart brought out even more cake and the drinks started to flow, I found a comfy spot to sit and was presented with a frozen glass of Harvey Wallbanger, Fresh orange juice, vodka and Galliano, I was in heaven.

After about 40 minutes the walkers started to arrive and after what seemed like another hour the machos came in with differing reports from their electronic wristbands, phones and assorted Indian tracking devices told of a trail somewhere between 8.9 to 12 kms long. With water for the dogs to play in, lots of sunny spots and lots of hills. The circle was quickly called as dinner was waiting, there were a few anniversaries, I can’t remember who as by now I was on my fourth cocktail, and we still didn’t manage to come up with a name for Roger Seymore although personally I liked Seemore Butt.  The run gained a well earned 8.6???

Sir Flakey managed to do an all in one speedy punishment for all the sinners, and off we went for Dinner, an excellent value meal at the Frog and Toad, a starter, Ham Egg and chips and nice wine. So much for staying off the booze for a day!!

Thankyou Hares for a superb run and introducing me to the Harvey Wall banger, now my favourite cocktail.

Your Scribe Stiffanny ON ON


Summer Campout Runs 1527/1528

Hash Scribe on behalf of Bleeding Bush! OWE ME A BJ!
As he wimped out after 5 minutes it's left to dear old Aquasex to scribe....that has to be dinner and a bit of horizontal folk dancing thrown I had NONE this weekend!
Ok, so we woke to an overcast Lake Negratin and our prayers were answered so we ran, scrambled and skidded through the first half in relative low temps for June! A bit of dodgy trail setting at the beginning but then we were ON ON! Nice Sunday trail that most of us were very grateful for having had a skinful (or a Tentful...ORANGE BARRY!!!!) the night before. The most unfeasibly good beerstop known to Man/Dog/Hasher...swimming out to Flakey&MB floating bar replete with Beer and laughs! DOGS on the bar: Evie shivering like a dog on methadone on a downer!
Captain Pugwash and Captain Hook did us proud laying on L ilos for Lil and the rest of us! We did not want to leave but the circle and lunch beckoned!
On in was super with Desperate Dan losing his sunglasses and telling me THE BOSS would not be pleased as they are her fave sunnies...LOL
Well thanks to Bleeding Bush being MIA our Tent had been wrestled back into its bag and we were all ready for the circle!
Highlight was our song for EUROHASH with Uncle Fester impersonating Sara Baras/Joaquin Cortes...well kinda i his Spanish Pinnie!
Endless down downs for Sir Flakey and Mummys Boy who were doing the Ministry of SIlly walks by the end!
Adorable Marco got christened "Lucky Bastard"
Lost property...well who'd have thunk it, I won that!
Anniversarios (and by the way how many the F runs have I done to date...oh yeah why bring it up as my tankard is MIA in Rota!!!).
BJ from a DJ 15 love the wedding suit!
Sir Flakey 560 GET A LIFE and a friggin TENT!
Spermaid 265 hot apartment..serve you right for not camping!
Rubherturd 290 Ditto above!
Blown a seal 55 she camped she is OK by me!
Beano 5
Scouse Git 5
Aquasex still has no idea how many runs she's done! something over 50! Help El Cid!!!!
LUNCH! bedlam but the Paella beat the arse out of the Galgo Paella...Streaky ate Eggshells Plawn Clocktail and we never heard the last of it...replete with Maraschino liquid garnish a la Bernie Inn circa 1973...
May I say, on behalf of ALL of us a HUGE Thank you to all the organisers for another incredibly well organised Run, food and booze...we can do Eurohash without even thinking about it!


Mijas HHH

Run 1526 the Absent Father's Day Run


Pussy Galore and One-Tit.

As befits her, the GM reached out her grand Poseidon Trident and decreed that another innocent, and near virgin to boot, be tasked with being “Scribe” this week.

So after the usual misreading of instructions, myopic HHH signage and frantic phone calls a rag-tagged group of hashers eventually arrived at the rendezvous for usual briefing and take-on of liquid refreshment.

....and so the 1526 ‘dogging’, sorry Hash, commenced in usual 30 degree heat, taking on a mixed terrain of campo, street, diminished riverbeds and what looked like on occasion people’s back yards. I’m surprised the local police have not taken us all screaming to the cells. After some sneaky flower markings that managed to keep the majority of us together and a lot of ‘effing’ and ‘blinding’ from the front runners we turned up at what was to be one of two beers stops. Nice. Makeshift water containers were made from drunken beer cans (as if a reason was needed) due to lack of similar sized water bottles being in short supply.... tut tut....

The second leg to the second “tinto” stop took us, like the first, through the backwaters of El Coto and Campo Mijas, a tide of fluorescent coloured shirts, hot pants and bandannas plus a baying pack of dogs keeping the neighbourhood wondering what the f### had arrived. The third leg back to Circle taking the now usual attempt to get everybody wet or lacerated with bamboo.

Due to the GM being this week’s Hare the Circle was brought together by acting GM Salmonella Rushdie who in his power crazed moment launched into scathing retribution to..... well anybody in his line of sight. Hares were led into the Circle and a very commendable 8.8 average score was given (always helped of course by having extra beer stops). Roles of Honour were cast on tablets of stone with:

Squeeze my Tits on 6 runs

Megasaurarse on 90 runs

Community Chest reaching 100 runs

One Tit on 106 runs

Aphrodisiac on 245 runs

Knockout Neptune on 270 runs

But leading this week’s pack is.... (drum roll)....

Colonic Irrigation with a mighty 340 runs.

Get a life was duly sung or mumbled as down downs were...  downed.

Those with sandals and flip flops were brought into the Circle and after a round of “Mijas Got Talent” judging by remaining Hashers Kindergarten Kop was judged most inapt footwear (...again) and made to take the long arm of the beer penalty whilst holding said beer with the offending flip flop. A ‘feet’ (noticed the play on words...) certainly proving entertaining.

The Circle was then handed over to the AD Megasaurarse to cleanse the group.

The Hen Party (you know who you were) without Bride-to-Be, took a down down and regaled of “lovely times being massaged and letting their breasts loose on unsuspecting hotel guests”.

Near virgin newbies Heather and Ray caught a down down for living 200 meters from the Circle but getting lost finding it (..sic). Ray stayed and was joined by Salmonella Rushdie where denouncement of terrorist activities was made for deliberately wasting beer. Rubber Turd caught a down down for not calling “On On” to his fellow Hashers (tut tut) and Megasaurarse took one for seeming falling over again although it has to be said not from excess beer (...yer)

Circle proceeding over we all adjourned to La Luna for BBQ and Pimms. After the usual practice of turning normality into chaos and much shifting of chairs and tables (I half expected music to be stop starting with the odd chair going missing) our hosts were able to bring out the delicious fare. Pussy Galore waved her Trident again and each table dutifully took processional to the trough and the consummation of food to mouth imbibed with wine took place.

Gang Plank bid us a sad farewell as he journeys back to Asia and rendered us his swansong of “The Wild Rover”.  Bon voyage old timer. This poem is for you...

“With the sun setting fast, Hashers drifted away

on what was another successful day

... except one who now goes into the wild world yonder

You’d lived to be that grey-haired wonder

... here in sunny Andalusia you will be missed

...... unlike a bad fart when someone gets pissed.......

So off you go to Asia fair

Shouting “won’t anybody give me a ride to the beer”

My old friends are all drinking

...... and I’m stuck out here.......


Your humble scribe

The man with no name (aka. Tall dude aka. Man with two dogs) 



Run no.1524
Hares Aphrodisiac/ Sir Flakey


These were the departing words of GM as I left the hash  on SUNDAY.
.'THIS WOMAN ' is like a dog with a BONE. .Never gives IN and She will not sleep tonight thinking about what she will do to me next week,.... but as I am a good Hasher and would not want to do that is this week's scribe.  & If  I don't write it tonight I am afraid of catching what she has.......Now !!!!  what is  the word  I am looking for? .........OH Yes.....ALZHEIMER'S....

Nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon  25 mad  hashers (including myself)  turned up in 30 degree heat to do a run at KM 4 Alhaurin/ Coin..
ON arrival at run site  Sir Flakey was waving and giving very animated hand gestures as to where to park the cars .
.GO Back!..... Not there!... Under the tree!
Sheep Shagger who had just parked  was ordered to moove or else!!!
Once the strategically  cars where all parked up to SIR FLAKEY'S satisfaction then we ventured out of the cars to greet and meet  our fellow hashers.
After a few Hello's/  KIsses/ chats etc circle was called by GM
PUSSY Gallore /AKA PINK BARON/AKA ALZHEIMER.....phew!!! No place left on her Happy coat for those badges with a name as long as this.!!
Aphrodisiac explained the  run markings  with a little help from Sir Flakey so our Virgins and visitors could understand ..
After the group photo was taken by Seamen Stains...we set off for the 1st half  of the trail...which surprisingly  ( NOT )
went down , down  and down to then only go up, up & up...coming across a very tired  Streaky  &  Bella taking a break from the strenuous hill, & heat under a tree .
I left Lucky with Streaky as she had decided to go back to the comfort of her own air conditioned car ..
Terrain was quite slippery underfoot to say the least and then  Sweet & Low goes and spots  this great shortcut. in  true hashing spirit we took it....
Down into the river bed we  go and a lot of  hashers not wanting to get their feet wet .shall mention no names...!!! ;)
Welcoming relief to see the BS and Sir Flakey providing us with Tinto de Verano /water etc etc..
2nd half of run was Up and UP and up..& UP...
U.Y.B... thumbed a lift in the ever reliable hash transport  provided by Karma Chameleon for those with  weary legs, bad knees , doggy hearts, heavy wallets etc etc.. to the higher ground where she got out and  carried on doing the trail.
(Good on ya girl) !!
Back at the cars, time to take these trainers off, get a bit spruced up ready  for the Circle.
Score's where given for the run..
It was not the run of the year but a good run of I think 8.7 marks was awarded...
well done hares...
The usual anniversaries, returners where acknowledge.
As no RA present so it was down to AD Megasaurarse to clense us of our sins.
Unfortuanletly he wasn't given many snitches so it was a short and brief circle wich if I recall correctly about 4 down down's being given and most of them where to the same stupid person known as PG/PB/AZ..for being well. ....Stupid...!!!

Any other business. ..

Stiffany talked about the up coming camp out..and those who where not going made to have a down down .
U.Y.B saying she wasn't going, Stiffany saying YES you are. .No I am not , yes you this stage  I am  confused and I am sitting  in a nice cool, wet  cooler bin and dying for a beer.. so I look in the cooler and Oh  to my horror !! it's full of bloody Coca COLA. ..and no one is paying any attention to me and my needs. ..
Do not turn your back , scratch your arse, pick your nose or even  walk to get  a beer  because SHE GM   !! will have you..and make you do the scribe...
I can not tell you how refreshing it was to be sat in the cooler box on such a hot day and as we are approaching our hot summer I think  it would be good to bring back some Tradition  to the hash in the form of a block of ice or  a sin bin..
( Most of us bring a change of clothes and if you don't.... well..your fault!!)
II think all hashers should experience this phenomenon.....and specially those that try and bend the Traditional hash  rules to their own advantage....emmm.... say like. .. SIR Flakey... what stage should you take your hat off and have a beer..??? whilst entering the circle, whilst having the Down Down beer?? 

Shame on you S.F..and a serious offense that needs seeing to in the form of icing if I may say so .....God Bless ya..!


Anniversarios For What I REMEBER  Where

Streaky...420 runs

U.Y.B. 600 + runs

5 knucle Shufel 60 ? Runs..

Sorry if I missed anyone out...


On ON was at venta EL GALOPE and cheerful  they say  (not been) and B.Y.O food. .

Your scribe

Golden Cascade.

Run 1521 - Hare: Mummy May 14th.

HMV and I followed the route instructions 'take left turn at La Cala Golf to Hash site'

10 Kms. Later ,after a stage of the Alpine Rally, we found the start in the foothills of La Mairena.

30 odd hashers, some extremely odd, were quivering with anticipation viewing the mountainous scenery. The willing throng set off on the non PC Women's and Wimps trail, other than the brave few who had decided to hurl themselves down into the valley.

After a pleasant saunter we arrived at the Beach Stop which transpired to also be the Beer Stop.

Just In led his flock into the river hoping for mass baptism but nobody followed. Finally, Megasaurarse treated us all to a mighty bellyflop and once the tsunami had subsided others followed for a swim. Not wishing to miss out I ventured forth but realised that my wallet would be immersed. As it is illegal to launder money in Spain I decided to wade across attempting to keep my bits from getting wet, alas, once it was up to my knees it was too late.

The trail then followed the river bed accept we were forced to negotiate some vicious rocks that claimed one or two unfortunate hashers.In compensation the scenery was spectacular.

Then ,all that was left, was a very long uphill slog to the finish , the stragglers being treated to Crockerdile Dundee aka Mummys Boy giving lifts in his shuttle bus.

Pushy Galore (sic) as Grand Mattress,led the circle followed by Just In as RA telling us of Shagaholic (very sic) apparently cradling her head on Two Pies lap lap while he was driving to the start. The new assistant RA? Megasaurarse was obviously impressed as he then took over the circle and told us all the same story again, perhaps he will get the idea with a little more practice.

Sweet and Low then provided a long list of anniversaries and, hopefully won,t forget my 375th next week.

In true Mijas tradition the circle continued with all the usual crass comments and inane inuendo, accompanied by the braying of the hashettes.

Great stuff! The run scored 9.6, well deserved.

Wonderful shirts and polos were distributed before the run featuring the Mijas donkey composed of all the hashers names, except mine! I,m really pissed off to be drummed out of the brownies, perhaps they thought I had passed on.

No comment on the On On as we went for an Indian instead.

Your scribe, Sir Sparky, YOB.


Run 1520 -Hares: Sweet&Low and Stiffanny May 7th.

Big Mac, late cummer, is this week’s scribe. I will start by blaming the hares, Sweet & Low and Stiffany, for sloppy directions which resulted in me accidentally taking the toll road to Mijas and back again clocking some €10 in tolls. I am considering legal action.

Anyway whatever run in the 1500’s this was took place in the hills behind La Canada. There was some debate as to whether it was truly virgin territory or not and without Mummy’s Boy to take issue the pack concluded that it might indeed be. The aforementioned Mummy’s Boy and several others were absent this week having defected to another hash hosting an away weekend at some unspellable and unpronounceable shit hole in Morocco.  Even HRH Pussy Galore was in absentia so a reluctant Sir Flakey had to stand in as GM. This was probably the warmest day of the year so UV warnings were issued by the hares and sun cream was made available to those of lighter skin.,

The run got off to shaky start with the hares waving their hands in various directions to indicate the initial flour. Within a matter of minutes the FRBs were scattered to the four corners of the wind but eventually the trail was stumbled upon. Things quickly improved and views to the soon to be Spanish Gibraltar and Africa were stunning. The pack kept together well due to the wimps wandering aimlessly and a beer and a cava stop were enjoyed with optional swimming in mud. Back at the start the picnickers unloaded their hampers and marquees. Sir Flakey then called the circle. The hares were awarded a rather generous 9.1 for their 6.7km but I suspect that the increasingly blonde Shagadelic who was in charge of maths while Mummy’s Boy was on safari may have got her divisors and multiplicands mixed up. There were a few returnees including one couple (Strawberry Nipples or some such) who had been away for so long that no one could remember who they were. There were no anniversarios which is suspicious. Salmonella Rushdie was RA and immediately launched into sexual innuendos. Gangplank was soon aroused and offered his body to anyone willing. Surprisingly Strawberry fields was game and played with his ample bosom and erect nipples. News that he was returning to the UK for a Czech up was greeted with joy. Shaggy, who may soon need to be renamed as she admitted to having been celibate for a long time and whose latest boyfriend is apparently very shy and lives in the Arctic circle was chastised. The Wankers were also called in. Big Mac presented then with a knitted willy warmer that he had outgrown thanks to exercises and pills. The stand in GM did a mug check to get rid of surplus beers and the circle was closed and the picnic officially inaugurated. Next week’s run is a mystery and will only happen if the hares can escape the harem in Morocco. Big Mac had to get home the only way he knew which was by taking the toll road to Mijas and doing a U turn back to Marbella.


On On


Run 1519 -Hares: Jut say when & Streaky

Run 1519

Bring a change of shoes they said. May get wet feet they said!

First 20 minutes was fine with rolling hills and wild flowers.

We then descended into the valley of death. Just say when was the gatekeeper to make sure no one had the cheek to do the Wimps trail.

After a few near death experiences by Justin, Uncle Fester, Aphrodisiac and myself we made it to the beer stop. Everyone else has buggered off after eating all the cake kindly prepared by sticky tart

The second half was a little bit easier except for the near vertical climb back to the cars.

A few comments about Run of the year etc with a few 9.9's left the hares very happy.

Circle was led by the GM Salmonella keeping the beer flowing.

Annaversarios: Kinda 400, Flakey 555 except he didn't turn up preferring to watch Everton get thrashed. Dogsy 730 (Get a life).

On-on to the restaurant except I wasn't there.





Hash Scribe   Run Number 1517  16 April 2017

Hares – Stiffany /Flakey           At  - El Lagarejo

Never have the words “shitty trail” had such deep and profound meaning. Shitty, smelly, olerous in the extreme are the words that come immediately to mind as we sloshed through the mierda in the two streams that the trail took us through. However the initial part of the trail was good with some tiny tracks in deep campo, yet so close to Fuengirola. There was of course a tunnel, a double one in fact, but we expect nothing less of Stiffany. It was well marked in a location that, while close to the city, we don't often run in. There was both a beer and a cava stop with some really great cake.  In fact I guess it was that, that saved the day for the  hares, for they were given quite a good mark in the circle.

Anniversarios were -              Finnish Me Off Two 15, Saw Me Come 15, Five Knuckle Shuffle 55, Gerry Can 195, Just Say When 260, Streaky 415, Gang Plank 415 and Up Yer Bum 625.

The On On was at El Brujo with the usual excellent food, but rather slow service,  despite pre-ordering by the hares.

Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop


Hash Scribe   Run Number 1514  26March 2017

Hares – Just Say When/Bloody Pinochio           At  - El Higueron

La plume de ma tante   sainte fairy Ann  defense de fumer  ou est le papier   plat du jour  petit dejeuner   Paris st Germain  gare du nord   le fromage  hau he hau he hau   pomme de terre   peage l'autoroute    vin de table  les clefs de la porte   pattes de grenouille   le periferique   chateau neuf du pape  bonjour les enfants   sortie   ou sont les w c   voiture        il est strictement interdit de cracher sur la voie.

 Your scribe

Kindergarden Cop

OK that's got the French version whacked off (piece of piss)

now for the English, by French Erection  -

 We had a hash. We went down, we went up and in and out and on tiny tracks in beautiful campagne. I wanted some nachos but there weren't any.  Then through tunnels  and had a beer stop on the beach   and it was good. Then through another tunnel and up and down and up and up and we got back up. We drank a lot of beer, but there were still no nachos. Then the circle. We all thought it was a good. The score was 9.2.  There were some anniversarios – Quick Sand 30, Appy Ending 45, French Erection 75, Elephant Arse 255, Sweet and Low,  Streaky 415, Kindergarden Cop 475, Swiss Roll 285.   Then off to tres bon meal.

Votre Scribe

French Erection


MH3 Run # 1513 18 March 2017

The Goblins Were Evident Two Days After!

Hares: ЁJust Say WhenЁ, ЁUncle FesterЁ, ЁSticky TartЁ

Turn-out: 38

Run Rating: 8.5

Location:Barranco Blanco


Shmoosky: 50 and a patch

Cradle Snatcher: 165

Sticky Tart: 225

Afrodesiac: 235

Salmonella Rushdi: 275

Dipper:                      650







Absolutely beautiful on a glorious, sunny, Spring afternoon. 

Not particularly well marked. Many (+-20) got lost on the first half, eventually arriving at the Beer Stop in time to completely miss Stickyґs really good cheese-cake.


Crystal clear, ankle deep water in an unavoidable, but pleasant little river. Some show offs went for a dip and/or went starkers in/under a pretty little waterfall. (How do you properly spell the name of that shy guy, with the 3-4 year old daughter, who seems intent on regularly displaying his goods?) 


Dogs, dogs, dogs! I think too many on this run. I really, really like dogs, but personally feel that dogs should be kept on a lead and absolutely be kept out-of-the Circle, unless on leads, both at the start and the finish. (My personal favorites are Chloe and Lucky!) Not all dogs are equally well behaved and under control. I respectfully request that serious dog control to be discussed yet again and action be agreed upon at the next Committee meeting. Too many dogs, especially uncontrolled ones, can be very irritating and distracting. Many hashes ban dogs for the avoidable hassle they cause. I feel that if owners can not/will not control their dogs they should either not bring them to the hash, take a completely separate and opposite trail well away from we humans or have them closed inside a car parked well away from the group….so that their yelps are not heard.


Beverage Supply: (A Memory Problem or too many hares …..each who may have thought it was anotherґs  responsibility?)

Someone forgot to bring the large bottles of beer for down-downs. No problem. There were enough cans. Fester did the sleeve taking responsibility. Always a good sport!


Umbrella Returned:

If he hadnґt looked so comical holding the tiny thing over his head it may not have been returned to Cradle Snatcher, who left it behind at Yogiґs recent rainy day BBQ.


Sex In The Circle:

Just-In and Lip Service ….again. 

Gud on ya! (Get it while you can! Dirty old men need love too!)


Defoliating the Countryside: (Considerate Hashers donґt do that!)

Wild rosemary was in bloom and found its way into the shoulder bags of one of our virgins + a visitor who didnґt know of our passion for protecting nature as we pass through it. 


The On-On was at Finca La Mota:

Sorry, we missed it! Sorry we missed it!


Glorious Day, Outstanding Venue, Great turn-out, Lots of good fun!


Thanks to the hares for their excellent arrangements  and their choice of a very special venue….and their consideration by setting a special trail for the walking wounded and/or lazy old buggers.




Your Scribe: EA


Run 1510.

Made a decision around 2 p.m. Weather looking warm and sunny so a nice Spring run was on the cards.

How wrong can you be? Arrived at the start of the run to be met with an icy blast from somewhere in the Antarctica.

Runners were reluctant to leave the shelter of their cars.

We were promised a tricky first half and an easier second half which was about right. Steep slippery slopes to manouver both up and down.

Eventually climbing to the highest point of the day, a fabulous view overlooking the coast in a fire-break shelter although I wouldn't call the hut with 90 Km. winds very much shelter.

Lots of sticky tarts with lashings of cava put everyone in a better mood. The second half was a simple walk down to the cars.

Hares received a magnificent 8.8 marks. Well done guys. Thanks for all your hard work. (Get a life).

Dipper did a very good job of RA'ing. The highlight was the birthday cake on Community Chest's head. Eggs, flour, soggy buscuits and ICE-cold beer was the order of the day.

She is now recovering well from frost-bite in the Costa-Del-Snow hospital.





Thanks for a good run in a very nice nature. The view was fantastic ! ! ! And special thanks for Cavas and a very nice cake ! ! !

Master Bates / PHOTOlof

Run 1510. Hares: 5-Mil and HMV
Ok here is your hash sheet...turned up late..thanks Mum! Now I have to write the Hash Sheet!
William and Jensen made me even later taking the scent of a cat when I was trying to coax them into Granmas car! down down for 2 bassets!

Arrived and given hash scribe...we enjoyed the first half...ALONE..and thanks be to god the hares kept us all together...

Nice Beer stop..then it all went PEAR SHAPED! Jensen William and I felt like BILLY NO MATEs lost trail eventually went ON IN with 2 knackered hounds!

I took the run numbers from Sweet and LO and managed to wonder why I had an OLD mercadona receipt and binned it in BP gasolinera BIN when I was washing my car and am NOT digging in there to find it..sorry!

You know who you are..get a life! I had too many down downs to mention! 3 Tena ladies induction and Jans CHRISTENING WERE THE HIGHLIGHTS!!
on on was amazing buffet!

Run  1509.

This will be a short report as the run is still going, but I am at home on the sofa already!

After confusion about the direction the sign points to I arrived 15 minutes late. I was not the only one either.

At least it was dry and a reasonable turnout considering several of our regulars are traveling. So then the hare points out to me that my wellies are not high enough to cross the river... And the run is only 7 km...

So we set of uphill, downhill and come to the river. Crossing means holding on to a rope while wading through knee high cold water. And it starts raining again.

Not doing that. I am trying to nurse my cold, not torture it. So back to the cars and home I go.

Better luck next week!

Run 1508  12th Feb 2017

Ski hash/weekend

Hares – Mummies Boy and Pussy Galore           At  - Sierra Nevada

An outstanding weekend... with hashers arriving on different days throughout the period. By Sunday there were 11 of us for the actual hash. Great skiing on the Friday and Saturday, was followed on the Sunday (the hash day) with the unfortunate news that the pistes were closed because of high winds. Nnnnooooo! This was especially unfortunate for those who had come up just for the day. However, we managed a hash of sorts. Our joint hare, Mummies Boy, (along with Pussy Galore) got to use his fluorescent red paint and there were, ultimately, many down downs. Certainly an event to be repeated in the future.

Your Scribe

Kindergarden Cop


Run 1505  22 January 2017

Hares: Speed Bumps and Aqua Sex aka Rota Floater

The What A Load of Rubbish Bins Run

An exciting day indeed, as the Mijas HHH staged its own inauguration of the New Alternative Fact Era, i.e. joining the rest of the world in making the final transition from half-mind to no-mind.

The venue chosen for this memorable event was Fuengirola's municipal rubbish dump and rubbish truck compound, a magnificent setting if I ever saw one – laden with history; the remnants of thousands of lovingly cooked family meals and other assorted garbage, every bit of it telling its own tale, now dumped in rows and rows of rubbish bins surrounding the Circle. The resident rats were enjoying a veritable gourmet experience, tucking into a variety of international left-overs; paella, bratwurst, hamburgers, you name it. They did not touch the chewed-out bits of lamb in mint sauce, though, even rats have standards.


And the turn-out... Well, the turn-out was a bit of a sour point, really. There were some reports that there weren't that many people present. They claimed there were some gaps in the circle and one reporter even went as far as saying that there were more dogs than people on this run...

I asked a big bald guy in a red hat about this and he gave me his version: “Today is a historical Hash day! It's going to be a fantastic run and the turn-out here is just yuuuge! Don't fall for the malicious intentions of the commie-pinko-slimy-scumbag media; sleeving is too good for the swines! Some very important Hashers have told me, and I mean, some Very Important Hashers, that this is a unique event; more Hashers have turned up for this than for any other Rubbish Hash. And not only that, we have only the Best Hashers here, we settle for nothing less. It's true!”


I had to leave this enthusiastic participant, as he was beginning to froth at the mouth at this stage and  joined the pack on its way up the hills. We had been told there would be two options, the Swingers vs. The Machos and pretty soon the latter group were making their way up to the very top, no doubt heading for Swiss Rolls favourite beer-stop. From what I hear, the only reason they never made it that far, was a very deceptive Check Back and a Naughty Arrow pointing in the wrong direction. Just as well, as this misled one of the Virgins, a slight and quiet woman I had been highly suspicious of. Not only did this virgin come with Swiss Roll, a Hasher that speaks an unintelligible lingo, sounding a bit like Arabic, but she also had her head covered and was carrying a yuuuge ruck-sack. No doubt desperate after trying to follow the trail, she finally detonated herself somewhere near the Higueron petrol station from where thick black smoke emanated just before we ended the circle. Either that, or King Kanute's wife had been burning the currywьrst.


She was not the only casualty that day. Gordon Ramsme Too also felt he had too much of a heavy load going up the mountain, so decided to alleviate the weight and treated his fellow runners to a yuuuge Technicolour Yawn.. The most worrying thing about all this is the fact that Gordon is a Chef and had prepared his own food the night before. What was the name of that restaurant you were working for again, Gordon..?


The ones that didn't get lost, blown up or blown out did have a nice run, though. Kindergarden was very enthusiastic about the mountains, the views and life in general upon his return. One of these whippersnappers about to leave home and embark on life's magical journey in the company of his chosen better-half.. romantic stuff, eh?


There was also a circle, although it was a bit confusing. There were several people in the circle at once, all performing duties simultaneously and I saw One Tit being married off to a bunch of three follically challenged, but loaded guys. I heard it was all in vain, though, as she rejected each one of them in favour of her Little Drummer Boy.

The big bald guy with the red hat, who I had interviewed earlier on, was one of the rejected suitors, but that didn't stop him from trying to get his socks off elsewhere. First, I saw him hanging around our GMH, Miss Galore, making some strange grabbing movements, but then, unable to catch her, he went on to vye for the favours of some Slovenian or Croatian young lady. Somewhere from the Balkans anyway and although she was a bit Sweaty, she was well-fit and willing to accept a complete wardrobe offered to keep her warm.


Anyway, by this time we were all shaking and shivering, so it was time to get a move on. Ah, nearly forgot, the “anniversarios”:


Lip Service 15, Quicksand 25, Five Knuckle Shuffle 50, Stitched Up 100, Just In 200 and Colonic Irritation 335 r*ns; these were some of the sad bar stewards called out.


We all postponed to the restaurant as fast as our frozen toes could carry us and were then feasted on dishes that reflected the earlier theme of the run.. Personally, I couldn't care less at that stage, as I was frozen and starving, so great food as far as I was concerned. More importantly, the Hares, who had probably told the restaurant to expect between 10 and 15 people and then showed up with 45 odd did an awesome job taking orders, translating for the knobheads that still don't speak the lingo, etc. and finally ended up eating their cold dishes on a stool in the corner... That is dedication, the rest is Donkey Sheet.


Just In Augurated



Run No 1499  The Challenging One 

Part One

Near Mijas Pueblo in a lay-by

Hares Mummy s Boy & Just Say When

The first Non Malaga Saturday run for Mijas, but endorsed by Malaga of course, thanks to Lee Marvin to enable the 1500 th run to be held after the celebrations at the Valparaiso restaurant nearby later that same day. But more about that later.

The 11am start was a new one again, as I stumbled out of my bed in the Reyosol Hotel in Fuengirola wishing I hadn't had the Pacharan to finish off the night, Sir Sparky and Elephant Arse are always good company to spend a few late hours in Fuengirola, but along with the rain and the thought of a 'Just Mummy say when boy' trail to face. I wished I hadn't been so enthusiastic in my remedy for the impending Bear Flu that I knew was about to bite me. The Fenadol complex granulado para solution oral mixed with Soborano had felt like a good idea at the time, now dressed in a mixture of redundant cycling/walking and running gear I set off to collect Sir Sparko from his doss hole on the pasao. On collection at the said time of 1030 we proceeded up the wrong way of a one way street with Sparko just casually mentioning  that he thought I was on the wrong side of the central reservation, but it was ok because we are in Spain! His reassurance and contagious laughter making me feel better at my obvious Fenadol Haze driving technique. Onwards and upwards to Mijas on the right side of the road with a detour around the del sol Hotel to find markings to the run site.

What a turn out, 24 on a Saturday morning with the prospect of further rain, and pain from the terrible duo from the campo, well known for finishing off many a hardy Hasher with their tough trails. 

All the formalities over with and the Trail was explained as being "challenging" by Mummys boy, 6 hours to lay yesterday before the rain and a further 2 hours between them in the morning. Some may think wow lets get to it and shot off with great vigour in their step, others like Elephant Arse and myself took the honorable way out and took the Sticky Tart Motor to the Beer stop.   

Lee Marvin must have been in the beer truck with Mummys Boy as we all had a jolly time awaiting the arrival of the FRBs. A First Aid alert was attended by Sticky and Elephant who never returned. Sticky brought back a limping  5 knuckle shuffling along on a sprained foot. 

Elephant had just gone home realising the terrain was a little too Challenging!

King Canute came running in and could bearly speak, he was in a hash orgasmic state, gibbering that was the best run ever and every run should be like this, he was uncontrollable till we managed to inject some beer into him and calm him down. Meggasorearse was in a similar condition as was Sir Sparky and most of the others at the relief of finding the Beer Stop unscathed and in one piece.

As the Beer Stop began to become over crowded with over enthusiastic Hashers I slipped out on the in trail as I to was expecting more Challenges before the on in...

I was soon overtaken and the scrambling was as I had come to expect from a Mummy just say when boy collaboration. I needed a push here and there to get through so god knows what the first half was like!

The On In was a welcome sight as the rain was still threatening with dark clouds rolling over head. (who said Head)  A quick change and we had a hurried circle with the most entertaining being the spilling of the beans by GM Pussy, that One Tit on her recent stateside visit to New York with the aging rock star HMV had decided to tie the knot, she was proudly displaying a trinket of engagement on her left hand, she suddenly turned a little shy as more details emerged from Pussy who on the same trip had a least ventured out of the hotel room to see some of Manhattan,One Tit appeared oblivious to any tourist trap as she had spent the entire trip scalling the heights of HMV tower. Erected by the Viagra Group PLC with copyright for any repeat performances. This sparked a spontaneous Drum roll with top hat finish by the RA Colonic. Evey mention of anything related resulting in a burst of drum roll, this sort of over shadowed anything else at the circle.


The meal was at Meson Martin down the road near Lidl and was a great Menu Del Daya for 9 euros. Andalusian soup egg and chips, flan etc plus shite wine was all we needed.

apart from more Fenadol and a sleep before the 1500 theme party at the Valparaiso...... 


Part 2

My excuse for not dressing up as noble man or nerd from the middle ages was due to the fact of concentrating on the important things, like finishing off stuff in UK before my winter here in Spain and knowing the date was all I could focus on. Only on my arrival did it become apparent that my nice blue suit and white shirt was from the wrong century, even my 75cent christmas head bangle couldn't hide the situation that like a handful of other lazy Hashers had done nothing about dressing up for this special event.

We looked more like the dregs of the now disbanded over sixties youth club that just happened to be having a reunion at the same venue. Now eligible for membership but pleased I never joined after looking at the bedraggled offerings in all their christmas party frocks.

On the other hand our fine and dandy display of middle age pageantry was outstanding in all its grandeur, flowing gowns and pouting flesh from both sexes in a exhibition of Hash magic. Some had gone to extreme lengths in manufacturing their costumes and showed them off with great pride, even the cheap skate trippers to the local China shop had some form of disguise to transport them back to a time gone by. Dippers Arab garb had no real date stamp on it, but he looked a twat and thats what we hashers strive for. Mr and Mrs Flakey had obviously delved deep into the hash stash trunk and dressed as the lord and lady of the Manor. Others looked like the plebs and peasants in comparison. But all had put on a grand show for other party goers that night, and when the party started it was the attention the stage flamenco dances gave to our group that made the night.

Lord Flakey stealing the show when asked to join the show with a dancer I would have sold my Motorbike for, just to spend a weekend in Sevilla with a women with so much energy would have put a smile on my face. Lord Flakey milked the moment in an act of hash perfection, unlike Dave dressed as a rag bag crusader who got lost in translation with his dance routine, even Aquasex tried to upstage the flamenco dancers with her own style of Eartha kit maneuvers on stage, she had to be assisted off stage before disaster struck with her impromptu interpretation in the wrong dress length and footwear. A close shave when you look at the video.

Then came the male porky dancer to choose a suspect to assist his dance routine. Shaggadelic dressed in a long white dress with a smaller skirt around her neck was an ample partner for him to choose,when on stage the lighting provided us all with a perfect X-Ray view of her industrial strength, polo neck, finger snapping nickers, of a style Nora Batty would be proud to hang on her washing line.  She danced with not a care in the world, knowing her bottom bits were snug as a bug in a rug, but totally unaware that half of Mijas now had insider knowledge of her choice of preferred nether region protection. 

The food was slow to show but the wine flowed freely and I expect most would have had plenty of everything, another great Hash Party and thanks to all who helped in the organisation. 

The prize for best fancy dress was awarded to Sweet and Low, who must get a life, as it must have taken her an age to make her medieval gown and stunning head dress.

The taxi driver called and it was soon time to leave.

On On till the next time

The Rev George Mooney Retired

Yogi  really and still suffering with Bear Flu

Run number 1497  The NoaHHH's Arc Run


As the day dawned, some rather disturbing information started to spread on Farcebook: half of Mijas Pueblo was now located in Los Boliches and half the Mediterranean had now made its way up to Mijas Pueblo. Disaster reports were flooding (pun intended) the internet and Hashes all around were getting a bit worried about their weekly dose of shenanigans, not to mention their Sunday ration of amber liquid.

Scaremongers were talking about roads being cut off, massive rocks rolling down along the road and even, god-forbid, a power cut that would render the beer taps of all the local drinking holes totally useless. Golden Cascade was leading a rescue mission for stray dogs and donkeys that had been trapped on fast-eroding islands of the Guadalmina River with a view of boarding them on Noahhh's Arc and was calling on all available Hashers to come and join her. In other words, a perfect day for Hashing!

Our two brave Hares had evaded rock-slides, lightning bolts and most importantly, alcohol checks, and somehow found their way to what was left of the former quaint village of Mijas. They then proceeded to dump tons of flour, paper and chalk all over the place, ready for yet another day of Hashing. Shame on all you fair-weather Hashers that chose to stay at home to drain your living room floor, repair caved-in roofs or blow up your dinghies in preparation for your next imminent cruise.

By the time we got there, around 3 blobs of flour, two shreds of paper and a smidgen of chalk had survived the storm and off we set to do what we normally do anyway, that is, ignoring any kind of trail and trying to outsmart each other on the location of the beer stop. This was soon found, on the edge of the village, where Mummy's boy had decided to place his Rover next to a recent landslide and right under a massive pine tree that was only just teasingly defying gravity. Rumour has it that  he is thinking of changing his old motah.

At that stage, it was decided to get rid of the more serious runners by sending King Kanute off on a mission to invade some urbanization or other, armed with a bag of flour and followed by a scattering of wet nutters, while the rest of us made our way back to the car park in search of yet more refreshment. Eventually (that means “In the end”, Mr. Fawlty!), the former group made it back to the car park where the rest of us had been having a pleasant chat, entirely undisturbed by “racists”.

 Given the circumstances, it was nothing short of a miracle that we only had two mishaps: Five-knuckle Shuffle diving into a mudbank and Mummy's Boy not falling asleep in the restaurant. Not a bad score really.

The circle was quite uneventful too, just a few down downs. Dogsy was given a down down for shaving in all the wrong places and now going off to Glasgi to be reunited with his better half while carrying a badger under his nose. And for our Virgins: Allah (?) and Paul, who also kindly lend their new shoes to Colonic and Gangbang as a drinking vessel. We had no official GM or RA, or Piss Pourer, or Haberdasher or any kind of pompous offices present, but we somehow managed to open up many cans of beer by ourselves and down them in an admirably professional fashion.

We then postponed to the restaurant, Las Terrazas, which was absolutely excellent  - no kidding – and where we were charged a pittance of € 9 for a veritable feast. Kindergarden Cop was so amazed that even he forked out a tip for our charming waiter. A very special day indeed!

On on!

Just Sink In'

Run Number 1495

20 November 2016

Hares – Gordon Ramsme Too and Pussy Galore

At  - inland La Cala

A good turnout of around 30 people arrived on this fairly cloudy day, all thoroughly expecting a great hash from this unusual pairing of a fresh young novice hare and the thoroughly experienced old slag, Pussy. (It should be said at this point , that our GM has however, assisted novice hares no less than three times within the last five weeks! A significant commitment of time and effort ...well, she has bugger all else to do!)

The Run began down hill and then continued over virgin territory, as far as I was concerned anyway. Wonderfully open campo … oh except for the bit where we came up out of a tunnel to be greeted by the landowner complaining that it was his private land. However Speed Bumps “set upon”  him and when he said  “Why don`t you all go and run in your own country”, she loudly accused him of racism ….. just as the Guardia arrived! What timing! This was quite extraordinary after last week  where we had complaints of both parking on, and crossing over, private land.

Then to the Beer stop and after, the circle, without further significant event.

As we arrived back to the cars, Colonic Irrigation arrived direct from his most recent scam operation … sorry … (did I say that) … work ... apparently. From thereon, having not done the Run, and with the fewest of snitches from the group, he then entertained us quite outrageously, laugh after laugh, a true  tour de force  for … well ... ages!

Thence to a Chinese restaurant (next to Biddy Mulligans) in La Cala … excellent service and good food … and ... pacharan!

Translated directly from the French (yeh right)

Your Scribe

French Erection

Run Number 1494

13 November 2016

Hares – Master Bates and Aqua Sex

At St  Anthony`s College

No less than 40 people turned out for this hash on a gorgeous, semi-sunny, semi-cloudy day - a great day for hashing in fact!

The pre-Circle began with a complaint from the apparent owner of the school/car parking area, that we had not asked for his permission to use the car park! Quite extraordinary ... as we have hashed in that location on and off for at least 14 years to my knowledge, and it has never been a problem! In future (he said) we must contact the school to ask his (jobsworth) permission. (This is entirely a note for the committee members and  does not reflect on the Hares in any way.) 

The circle began with visitors from Sri Lanka and Norway being brought into the circle (the latter being the honorary Germans for the day.)

Then the Run began. For those, like myself who wished to take it easy  … this was not the day to do it! Severe uphill, followed by steep downhill, followed by uphill and so on. But it was a hash so no complaints there.

Quite extraordinarily, on one of the uphill sections a local complained that we were crossing his land.  I responded by saying that since there were no fences and that it was a simply part of Mijas campo, how could we possibly know! (Future hares take note.) How coincidental!!!

Thereafter … it seemed that in no time at all (principally because it WAS no time at all) we reached the Beer Stop. Everything, both literally and figuratively, went downhill thereafter … and we reached the cars shortly after our departure from the BS. 

Then to the circle … taken by our very own, if somewhat infrequent visitor,  Dipper. Numerous people (quite too numerous to mention) were justifiably penalised and the anniversarious were -    Happy Days – 5 Runs     One Tit - 100    Megasaurarse - 60    Community Chest - 70    French Erection - 75    and Swiss Roll – 475

On On at the local Indian … food good, the service … appallingly slow,  but overall, as always, a great day out!

Your Scribe


Run No: 1487: Hares: Gangbang & Aeroflaps


On the way to the run we were saying "not going to be much of a turn out" after the night before when the Mijas H3 had its annual End of summer ball. (Apparently a great success and some great photos on Facebook).

When we arrived there were 37! other hashers making up a total of 39, brilliant turnout which posed problems for the hares who were trying to dissuade a few not to come as the restaurant couldnґt cope with so many.

I think everyone knew a ballbuster was not on the cards and so it turned out. Just 4.8 KMs. most of it on tarmac. This sort of run is normally awarded low marks but there were a few  9.9ґs from some nursing hangovers.

The circle was ably led by first Sir Flakey with a joke about amnesia which I canґt remember and then Colonic who embarrassed a few harriets with a camel toe lineup.

I missed the on-on but Iґm sure it was superb.

On-on Dogsy

Run no (Canґt remember)

> We all gathered near the castle in Fuengirola for what was to be and

> only inspiring. We set off quite rapidly running around the Castle

> straight down into the smelly river. After negotiating the gypsy camp

> a few times we ended up going uphill to a choice of a Macho or whimps

> trail runs which I did very nice thank you very much. All the rest I

> can't remember as I had too much to drink!

> ON ON bollocking

> CLONK! Xxxxx



Run Report for Run No: 1485:

Hi all and welcome to the 145th running of run number 1485 - basically the been there done that (a lot) safety run, when the hares remember they are haring the day of the hash. It was a typical day in the lovely area of Benalmбdena and the hashers were in great spirits, which were about to be broken by a back breaking hill climb designed by the special forces and only reserved for those that enjoy torturing themselves. It truly was a day of climbing, rock climbing, stair climbing, and hill climbing. We instantly knew this would be one of the rarer runs when Sir Flakey ended up being the FRB, who was walking, with a dog, and I am pretty sure a slight pimp limp. As with all hashes we learned things. We learned the hares are lazy, a bunch of people have no lives, it is hot as f*ck in the shade in Spain, Sir Flakey's car is the best place to foul the trail, Golden Cascade is bad for your sex life, and that cold beer, crappy snacks, and great people make it all worth it.


Alex, Alex Who the Fuck is Alex

Run Report (Sometime in Summer 2016)

Hares: The German & The Gordie

Location: Just off the Old Coin road  ---Ata Laya?.

I have been harassed continually in the circle for not doing the Run report so here it is you ruthless bastards, my mental health issues were be highlighted in the circle and nasty comments made, but I have forgotten what was mentioned ! Is all this harassment because of my religious beliefs or the colour of my skin??? The hash is certainly becoming very offensive and long may it reign.

Anyway due to my mental health issues I can’t remember much about the run, I know there was a German a Gordie Judy setting it, and there was a something about the Romans! What did the Romans ever do for us? Apart from Libraries, education system, viaducts, sewage systems, Ohhh and the Baths, that what it was there was, the run utilised an ancient old bathing area that the Romans had made, I do remember emptying my bladder in the waste height water approaching the baths, Cradle snatcher & Aphrodisiac who were behind me were oblivious to this and just thought the increase in the water temperature was very pleasurable!!!

And what have the Germans ever done for us? Bombed our Chippy! And those Gordie  wankers, bastardized the English language I can’t understand the word she says!

Well that’s about it for the run, I enjoyed it, some short cutting bastards missed the water section which was the only memorable bit, and I think they got a good score of a number under 10? The On On was at the Local vent were Michelin star road kill was served up with chips, Well done you per of wankers. I hope I have not offended anybody or the hares? But as you know Germans have no sense of Humour Ha Ha Ha -------------

On On




The Saint Anthony Fecundity Run

Hares: MegaSoreArse & Sir Sir Sir Flakey

As you all know, Saint Anthony of Padua was born in 1195 in Lisbon, Portugal. He became a priest, then a friar of the Franciscan order. Happily for us, his early (some might say, fanatical) quest for martyrdom at the hands of the Saracens was thwarted by illness, and in later years he became a devout and renowned preacher in northern Italy and southern France.

One of his lesser known attributes as a Saint lies in - ahem - putting lead in the pencil of otherwise effete, and definitely not upstanding, members of the general public.

Which, of course, brings us to the matter of last week's run.  And what an appropriate starting point was chosen by the hares! Saint Anthony's school, no less (SCRIBE'S EDITORIAL  NOTE: Sorry to labour the point, here, guys, but there are some definite thickos amongst you and I did not want the infinitely subtle irony to be lost on them. No, not YOU, naturally, dear reader, the other ones).

Anyway, back to the run. Your Scribe arrived late thanks to the unstinting efforts of Gobbychov never ever to be ready on time, which is how come I'm lumbered with this effing sheet, only to be confronted by a scene from a celibate Dante's inferno – one Harriette suckling her young in full view, another babe being dandled by drooling grandmothers actual and manquйes, and yet another - OK, slightly less "in your face" (in my face, anyway, I can't speak for Jizzical's) as it subsequently turned out - practising embryonic cell multiplication in utero.

What's more, as my finely honed senses became even more attuned to the steaming hum of fecundity, could it be? yes, definitely, I'm catching the desperate lashing of spermtails swimming upstream from the direction of the newlyweds, who cannot be named in case they have acute angina (and I'm sure she does, boom, boom) or embarrassment. And who knows what might happen fecundity wise with St Ant looking over their shoulder, as it were? (Although it occurs to your Scribe that Cowboy Style might present a practical difficulty of shoulder choice for him here.)

But I digress. The run. Well, mercifully short given the heat. Two drink stops, possibly in an attempt to inculcate that happy state of mind in hashers which awards bonus points for being pissed (7, as it transpired). A well trodden zone, but most pleasantly interpreted, with the added benefit of immediate proximity to the spirit of St Anthony, with clear consequences, and the Curry House, with somewhat more cloudy consequences.

Numerous sad persons were called to the Circle to be immunised for Multiple Run Syndrome, your Scribe in his guise of momentary RA cleansed and blessed the wandering wombs and sperm donors alike, and we all shot over the road for a fine Ruby Murray.

Mention should be made in this context of the magnitudinous efforts of MegaSoreArse who, under the baleful glare of Elephant Arse, critique extraordinaire, diligently served everyone much more efficiently than the waiters themselves. I hope they returned the tip to its rightful owner..

 Your Scribe, Dipper

Run report 1481 – 14 August 2016 - Hares: Dogsy & Upyerbum - Marks 8.8

Being as wot this is my first run report I will faithfully and truthfully provide all details of the scamperings around Andalucian hillsides on the date in question, to the best of my knowledge and recollection – which is not likely to be very accurate since I have been pissed several times since. 

We assembled on the outskirts of Mijas pueblo for what turned out to be a relatively short run, but one not without its challenges, since it involved going up several hills with inclines of more than 85 degrees (so my legs informed me). Being not exactly a Hash virgin but one only recently deflowered (albeit on several occasions, from which I am still sore, but thank you for your concern), I was prepared for the forming of the circle. Nevertheless, the strange pas de deux between Sir Flakey and Golden Cascade, involving arms conjoined, eyes locked as if in mortal combat, and beer consumed at high speed, still took us all by surprise.

Once the run was underway it was felt by some that the connection between the flour hieroglyphs occasionally found on the ground and the route we were meant to follow was occasionally more tenuous than the hares intended (or perhaps not…). But somehow we all made it to the beer stop in good order. The second half of the run was easier to follow, and the charge to the line was led by somebody later described to me as a suicide bummer. I have no idea how he earned this name.

The circle was formed in the car park. Various misdemeanours were punished by the act of forced beer drinking. Sir Flakey made frequent appearances in the circle and may be presumed to have misbehaved regularly and at length. Pussy Galore (GM for the day) should have been punished more frequently than she was, for the offence of driving a mobile helicopter landing-pad to the Hash; it was generally agreed that this was simply a ruse to gets lots of young, fit soldiers to land on her. Quicksand should also have been sent to the circle for leaning on this vehicle during the circle, but this went unpunished by the GM (note: committee should perhaps consider review of video evidence for future hash events). The run overall was given a rating of 8.8 by the assembled hashers.

A list was passed to me which I faithfully repeat here:

Laura                                     5

Jan                                         10

Clog Dancer                        45

Cnut                                      110

Seaman Stains                   130

Shagadelic                           190

WWWW (wtf?!)                 255

Elephant Arse                    230

Mummies Boy                   540

Dipper                                  645

Gorbichov                           320

Izzy in Yet                            *200*

I’m not entirely sure what these figures indicate, but I think it is probably the number of days since each of them last had sex.

Congratulations all round!


Run Report 1480     7th August 2016

We turned up behind the Mijas Hotel at 6pm and I, who lived nearest, duly arriveed last so am doing this write up.

In fact history repeats itself as I also reviewed run 1429 in August 2015 from the same start for the same reason

1429 was something of an epic and 1480 was very different, more a casual stroll round Mijas Pueblo but that is one of the joys of hashing. Sometimes its tough and sometimes it's not – as long as we can find stuff to moan about we are usually happy.

Key points...

  • Quite small chalk marks that looked like 7s but no one got lost or expired as a result.

  • plenty of beer and a shady beer stop

  • Police accompanied our circle as Mijas has a parking issue this time of year 

  • A pretty good meal afterwards (if you avoided the spaghetti)

Sir Flaky celebrated his 535th hash with Mijas on this run so it is perhaps unsurprising that his memory is not at its best.

In fact he was driven to consult me on memory loss issues and here is...

Dr. T-Total’s medical corner...

Many patients come to me complaining they can no longer remember trivial issues such as the date of the battle of Hastings, where they parked their car, or why they are now living with the complete A-hole they wake up to each morning.

I tell them beer is usually the best answer but if they really want to find the car there are two easily available supplements that help a lot – I take these and have not lost my car recently...

No doubt I will be back next August with advise on what to do if you find you have suddenly shrunk.

Scribe: TT my arse

Run Report 1479     31st July 2016

Hares          Streaky and  Stiff fanny        Hawaiian Theme

Anniversarios :-

Finish me off            5

Mega sore arse      45

Aeroflaps                140

Jizzical Ferk            225

Just say when        225

Salmanela rushti   255

The circle was formed and the GM welcomed everyone and invited visitors and virgins into the circle hashers introduced themselves to them in the normal way.

All hashers were encouraged to wear Hawaiian dress for the run and a majority did partake.

Hares were invited in to explain the run which was in Mijas Pueblo and set on flour and chalk.

The run started from Stiff fannys villa in Mijas Pueblo and consisted of a trail on pavements and off road trails through waste land which was well marked with testing checks, check backs and split trails leading to the first pool beer stop where we were welcomed with a very nice Sex on the beach strawberry and melon plus the obligatory cocktail and those that wanted to had a dip in the pool.

The second part of the run was similar to the first and lead us all back to the original starting point, where this time we had a selection of cocktails on offer Blue Hawaii, Pinis Colada and a nice slice of chilled melon together with the normal buffet of crisps, again there was the opportunity to take advantage of the swimming pool to cool off.

The final part of the run went through a small valley and ended up at Steakys villa where again an assortment of cocktails were on offer together with the normal beer and soft drinks.

The circle was formed around the swimming pool the GM entered the pool and invited back into the circle the visitors and virgins to ask what they thought about the run and introduced them to the “down down”.

The GM went on to invite the Hares on in and asked everyone what they thought about the run and to mark it.   The comments were very favourable and this resulted in a very respectable score of  8.9 for the run.

The down downs were then given for various offences during the run and the beer was served on a lilo by the smiling piss pourer incidentally that was all he was wearing.

The GM then went onto remind everyone about forth coming Hash events that can be seen on the web site.

The circle then closed.

The” on on” was at streakys villa and consisted of an assortment of Sushi to start with and for main BBQ  sausage chicken and steak complimented with mixed salad and potato followed by Eton mess or Danish lemon drizzle for dessert it was all very enjoyable and the hard work put in was very much enjoyed and appreciated by all who attended.  An excellent “ON ON”.

Mega Sore Arse  

Run No: 1477  17th July - Jizzical

or Izzy & Jizzical's Wedding Run

Doing a Spring clean of my drawers!! I came across a screwed up peace of paper with 1478 written on it and all these odd names scribbled on it too.......Surely I have stumbled upon a secret code ....... I thought to myself ...... and then after much deciphering trying to break  this code..... Voila!!! it came to me ... I had only gone and volunteered to be the scribe for JSG & KC run.....
I Could not be any happier to have deciphered this secret code as I was awake most nights trying to make sense of it all...!!!
Here is what I recall of the Run....Anyway
A Big Bunch of hashers met on top of this flattened hill in Atalaya..on a very hot day and being a very big hill we obviously have to go down and up, and down and up ,and down and up,.......(sorry ... have I said this before ?) and this is what we did in search of the cool nectar and the river where we would cool off.
I always recall Beer stops as this is where I stock up on Crips and lovely Blond beer...
The beer stop was a beautiful spot full of Local Spanish relaxing till we all arrived that is!!
"Princess Lucky" as WWWW calls her was encouraged to jump into the water by a few hashers and she finally succumbed by jumping in... not only once but she managed to jump in a couple of times... I have a video clip from our wonderful Hash flash to remind me of the event. :)
I can not recall the run score but I am sure it was some silly number !!
The On On arranged by the hares could not accommodate the 30+ hashers so about 14  of us went off and had a sumptuous meal at the old favourite El Brujo...and after seeing photo's of what was on AF dinner plate I was relieved to have chosen to eat at El B
Thank you hares for a great day.



Pepper Grinder                         5
Kamhot Kam ??                       10
Quick Sand                              20
C Chest                                    55
T Total                                      55
Rusty Twat                               55
Just Inn                                   185
Shagadelic                              190
Lee Marvin                              210
Pussy Galore                          215
Aphrodisiac                             225
Streaky                                   .395
Golden Cascade                     360


On On.
Your scribe

Hares: Salmonella Rushdie & Just Say When

Anniversarios: Dogs Bollox 710 & Swiss Roll 460

Run Score: 9.0

From the very start it was obviously not going to be any "normal" run. Jizzical was dressed as some sort of Thai Boy Bride, Izzy was giving a good impersonation of Stan Laurel, we had four polka dotted, widow twanky, bridesmaids and a red headed Harriet thinking she was the GM.

Having just returned from Rota with two other bridesmaids, no doubt lacking sleep and somewhat exhausted, the red headed Harriet got the show on the road. The Hares informed us their was to be a pre lube beer stop followed by a Champagne Wedding. Markings were the usual but the Hares had obviously not totally been in agreement as we had Macho, Wimps, Runners and Special Wimps Trails!

The  Wedding Party set off inland up the dried river bed. Coming to a split in the river the main group carried on but the back markers, yours truly and HMV saw signs of a trail off to the left. Fighting the jungle, up and up the tributary they went for an inordinately distance before finding a CB, going back was not an option and anyway it was obviously an Omen for a short cut! Having continued on and by now looking like two aging and highly camouflaged jungle fighters, the trail was soon picked up and on to the beerstop arriving fifteen minutes or more before the beer wagon. Having waited they then took off to the wedding, giving themselves time to shower under the water sprinklers in the Park en route and generally clean up.

Meanwhile the main Party, satiated with beer, followed on taking yet another river bank to the wedding venue - a veritable oasis of Palms and green lawns amidst the outer reaches of La Cala.

The Very Reverend Salmonella Rushdie, took the Service - "we are gathered here in the presence of the Pack to join this harrier and this harriet in holy mattress monkey". After promising to "KUM together and celebrate the end of their wanking ways and to cheer in the joys of sex outside of masturbation", "to wash his royal highness with thigh saliva and to never kiss another man" and "to hash and to fuck until he can't get it up any more" and their being no objections, they were mispronounced, Harrier and Harriette and the bride and groom were duly showered in Champagne.

The third half was a live Hare run, chasing down Reverend Salmonella, through the long and low and very dark tunnel to the beach, along the front and back to the Feria Ground.

The Circle was convened by our new GM, Returners chastised, Anniversarios, with nearly 1200 runs between the two of them, regaled. The opportunity to warn HMV of the perils of falling asleep in the Sun and looking redder than a Turkey was missed and of course the Bride and Groom had to be given lessons on how to satisfy each other. Cream, chocolate flakes and sausages (whole for him and split for her) became the props and the newly marrieds were able to practice what married couples know as a sixty nine. 

The Wedding Supper was an excellant Carvery at the very popular Newmarket Restaurant, unlimited amounts of meat (four types) and lots of English veggies and a half bottle of decent wine. I didn't see the Bride and Groom slink off  but no doubt they made an early exit to get in more practice fueled by the supper.

ON ON Your Scribe, Mummy's Boy

Run 1474 Sunday 26 June Hares: Just Say Gwen and Kannot Kan

Still reeling from the Brexit, we were perhaps not entirely prepared for a Hash re-enactment of the way the referendum had been conducted.

On the one hand, there was a truckload of figures and information on how to get there, how to continue on from there and the dire consequences of not going there. There was a complete sheet of A4 with directions, weather forecast, wind-directions, stock market information, further route to the On On and the full menu of delicacies awaiting us there.

On the other hand, present at the car park, were two Hares, looking sideways at each other with a rather miffed glance – one a smiling and seemingly affable blonde with windswept hair, looking more than a bit confused, the other one a tall and slightly dodgy looking second-hand car salesman with a couple of pints down his throat. The latter told us that we didn't need any information really and that the only way was forward!

Needless to say, the latter's instructions were followed blindly and we all ended up lost in the woods, surrounded by trees as far as the eye could see (although perhaps not enough to supply the pulp for the stack of 10,000 pound notes soon to be issued..) and without a clue as to our destination. Sounds familiar?

We did make it to the first check-point, but then trouble started. As I said, this was all about information or the lack thereof, so the second-hand car salesman had decided to follow the advice of his alter-ego and instead of putting some flour on the ground, he had sent it to Switzerland, opened a secret bank account and let the rest of us have none of it. Swiss flour is not going to lose 20% of its value overnight, so a good move overall.

Unfortunately, the mugs (or at least 52% of us) didn't know where to go and each one went into a different direction. I don't know exactly what happened after that. Reports say some of the mislead crowd were seen bashing the hey out of some dark coloured squirrels, others were heard repenting their choice (“ I thought it would be fun to go to this kind of Hash, but had I known about the consequences, I would have stayed at home, really, like..”), but to cut a long story short, it was a total mess.

The Hare was seen later at the restaurant, saying something like “Last time I was here, you were laughing, look at you now!” before collapsing and leaving us to let Free Trade rule, i.e. we ended up with 350 times more food than we had bargained for, but truth be told we all got stuffed and went home laughing at ourselves for er.. getting stuffed.

Needless to say, this Hash was awarded SHIT, which will come as a relief to the GOP, whose representative, Elephant Arse (talking about being a symbol) was last seen to hold said coveted trophy. It's only a matter of time before Donald will lay claim to this circular token of appreciation, though. I have seen it all now and Donald will win hands down – anyone for Mars?

The Circle:


Mega SoreArse 40 R*ns

King Kanute 105

Salmonella Rushdie 250 (badge needed!)

Mummy's Boy 535, a very sad bastard indeed!

His Worship Colonic Irrigation then took over the circle and commenced to bash every European present. As I was one of them, I kind of lost track of the proceedings, but it was hilarious, I'm sure.

All I remember is Kannot Kan showing us a new way to drink from the sleeve – no, I'm not telling you how.

Quicksand being pulled out several times for wearing a rather titillating army dress, cor.. blimey!

And many other things... I then went home to see England being thrown out of Europe in the place where it really hurts, i.e. The European Cup.

It looks like things are improving all around. Rajoy was elected and immediately 24 young Spaniards came home, Brexit was approved and 24 English guys came back as well. It even looks like the Poles are still out there in great numbers, so somebody please shut the door upon returning from Paris. You don't want them to come back into Britain holding a Cup, do you?

On on

Completely Out

Post Data: having attended the Hash meeting, I have just seen a bombshell being dropped: our beloved GM, Jyssical Pherk has resigned! We don't know if he is doing a Cameron (Boy, did I fuck up big time..) or a Corbyn (I simply feel I don't have the necessary support anymore..), as he didn't go into details. I personally think it's a shame and I thought he was the perfect GM for a bunch of people that often resembles British Parliament (hear hear!), but there you go.. anybody wanting to step into his sporty shoes should come forward within the next few weeks. If not, Angela Pussy will take over - you have been warned! ;)

Run number 1471/72 Summer Campout

Run No. 1471 or the Run of 10,000 Loose Rocks

Hares: Stiffany & Sir Flakey

Anniversarios: Sir Flakey 530, Sperm Aid 250, Craddle Snatcher & Put It IN 155, Aeroflaps 135, Lilo Lil 130, Izzy In Yet 105

Run Score: 8.3

'47 an auspicious number, the year the British Empire lost India to its Independence and the no. of runners (ok, incl. the young, the old and the infirm) turning up in this remote part of Malaga Province that could almost be Northern India were it not for the fact that the village of Casares loomed large above us. We had already lost our way to the run site, well the first ten cars anyway. The over descriptive Classic Car Club Roadbook ended with "turn off right and look for the HHH signs", unfortunately there wasn't any and so the convoy followed the road down the valley until it became obvious we were not "ON" and so returned to find the start just beyond where we had turned right. How much more could we lose in the hours and days to come?

After the usual preliminaries we headed off over a rough and rocky terrain, only to come back, some 20 mins later, two or three hundred meters down the very same track that our cars were parked. Down and down the track we went following a trail obviously set from a fast moving 4x4. Finally we reached Nirvana, an oasis of tranquility that was the Rio de Manilva. Up one side, down through the river bed,up the other side through this valley rich in flora and fauna. On and On we went until finally we emerged at the Roman Baths, warm and rich in sulphur, the very same baths that Julius Caesar was said to have bathed  and hence the naming of Casares. Too much for some who stripped bare obviously unaware that a terripin the size of a dinner plate lay in waiting, the others donned their swimwear and frolicked in the running waters and some even went as far as impersonating aborigines covering themselves in mud.

A long beerstop ensued for we had lost Elephant Ass. Search parties were sent out to no avail. He had been seen entering the Rio half an hour earlier but the back marker, yours truly, had seen no sign of him. Fortunately modern communications finally enabled the group to make contact and direct him to a warm embrace.

Even though we were promised an easy second half - 3 or 4 kms as opposed to the 6 or 7 already taken, it had not gone unnoticed that we had dropped down 250 meters or so from the start and we all know that many a Hare speaks with forked tongue. Their was a mad rush for the available spaces in the 3 or 4 cars that had come to the beerstop.

The unfortunates crawled and climbed their way up a steep and dried up arroyo to the end of the run where a shuttle service was being organised to take people back to the run start. For some the run obviously had not been enough, the two front runners, Jizzical and Just Say When, decided to go the extra 100 meters........ vertically that is and run, walk, climb to the top of the highest peak overlooking us to get a view from the Atlas Mountains to the South and Almeria to the North. Another seemingly inexhaustable couple who obviously also had weetabix for breakfast, Rubherturd and the Swede decided to make a run for it and ran all the way back to the start.

Everybody gathered in, the Circle commenced, returners were welcomed back, anniversarios regaled and the sinners chastised. Much merriment mainly due to the need for "refreshment" after this gruelling run in the full Summer Sun -  something about mad dogs and Englishmen!! The Hares were awarded a much worthy 8.3. For those never setting away runs, you will never understand the time and effort put in for your benefit.

The ON ON was later that evening, dressed in our new Hawaiin outfits dinner was enjoyed by all and as that old Crooner Frank Sinatra faded out the real music got going and the partying began and the Hash danced the night away.

ON ON  Your scribe, Mummy's Boy

Run 1472 - Sunday's Report from the Campout

The frolicking started the night before at the camp restaurant, with a stupendous Sunday roast on Saturday Night. Our lot devoured everything in sight, after an exhausting but excellent first summer campout trail, laid by Flakemeister and his Mrs, Stiffany.

If Saturday night was a blur, it all came back to haunt us in the second circle of the weekend. I’m getting ahead. HEAD! Who said head HEAD!!!?

Aeroflaps and Just In went missing shortly after the circle was called, under some pretext of the Walmart Sale starting.
Women and wimps were asked to mark the trail. Kaka said it was the best Hair of the Dog she’d had had the pleasure of, it was the right length and hard enough for a Sunday morning after a night on the booze, 9.9 something. Community Chest concurred.
Salmonela Rushdie, who is now suffering with ISIS scorch marks from mismanaging his run, every trail, and gave the run a solid 8 something.

The whole run gained a 9.2 much to the chagrin Sir Flakey “we’ve been up and down these mountains six fucking times and you get a better score” aimed at Mummy’s Boy (who was asleep). TRUE, they’d ripped themselves to shreds, reccied hazardous gorges and slain fire dragons in caves. While Mummy’s Boy and Just Say When, turned up poured some flour around the town and gave the runners and wimps what they wanted.
RA called “a note please for the pair of bastards that have out fuckin’ done us”. The circle all laughed, and duly sang SHITTY TRAIL.

Jizzical Ferk then handed out down downs to returners and anniversaries. Elvis 15 runs, KAKA 100 runs and a tight fitting t-shirt, then the RA calling in Community Chest (50 runs) and the winner of Best Dressed Tent.

Another pair of bastards were called in Jizzy and Izzy (not drinking, gone off her favourite cereal – watch this space) for having a posh breakfast and not the petrol spread we had on our cheapo toast.

Happy Ending (doing her best to hide under a blanket) had to shake her lettuce in the circle.

Radio KaKa and The Wedding Invitation Dilema. “ Flakey, I’ve got a really serious question for you? “
“Really Hannah what is it?”
Aunty Flakey solved the problem for her “ you’re gonna tell her to fuck off, and say, we’re not gonna be friends anymore” . Roar of laughter.
This whole saga is well worth watching on the internet (see Aeroflaps post!).

The Russians got pulled in the circle for drawing against England in the 91st minute. More bastards.

Seaman Stains had a note for still wearing his gold lame shoes from GAY pride in Torremolinos. More laughter.

The ArchDickon then took over, Colonic had trouble understanding the scouse late comers. Eggshell translated something about a scouse sex machine.
“Eggshell, when it’s my turn, I do the jokes!!!” Clonk blasted, and then called in Ghandi aka Uncle Fester. The Archdickon adding “ did you know Ghandi, was also a friend of Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter?”
Much laughter.
Which led to Rolf Harris lookalike, Jizzical bringing Elivis in on his lap with Elvis telling everyone “oh no not again!”
With that, Eggshell led a rendition of “ did you think I would leave you lying there when there’s room in my bunk for two..... down down down down.”

Clonk required a stand in for Aeroflaps and Just In. Sweet n Low with Gangbang, demonstrated the sexual position the missing pair were most likely to be in right now. Archdikon overseeing the whole thing very closely. I couldn’t see for laughing when Flakey provided the beer and foam went everywhere.
Hysterical laughter.
Clonk then called out, “now the next down down is not a rude one. “ Pause. “It’s a really rude one, cos somebody gets it up the anal passage! “ After you’ve had a tantalising bit of sex with a woman, you need a fucking real man, preferably a Muslim”
On In Salman Rushdie. More hysterical laughter.
Lilo offered her KY Jelly and Clonk announced “somebody’s put sand in the vaseline, it’s gonna be a rough ride” and handed Rushdie a very large beer.
After more jokes, unrepeatable outside of Colonic’s circle, he handed over to the RA, Flakey.

“Halal food, BBQ is gonna be on in a minute, Aquasex on in! She’s got Rushdies’ fucking nob for the BBQ. “ Flakey said she could have had the one he’d left in the toilet this morning. She’d spent 1 euro 20 in the camp shop on a black nobby looking sausage.

Mummy’s Boy woke up.

Flakey then called in more wankers to fry in the sun. “We’ve had to struggle you bunch of wankers. Us campers missed out on you wankers who camped out in a hotel. “ On in Spermaid, RubherTurd, Eggshell, Lilo, Gangbank, Colonic Irragation, Elephant Arse and Ann. Were there more wankers? I can’t remember by this stage.

With that we thanked all the organisers for a brilliant brilliant weekend. We then ate and drank more from the Barbie, you name it, somebody cooked it.

I had a siesta, the volley ball match was won by Elvis and the girls and I took the rest of the Daiquari home to drink.

Never have I laughed so much with some many at so little. ON ON Carry on Camping!


Run number 1470 The Birthday Run

Hares: Sperm Aid and Just Say When              

DATE: Sunday 5th June

  On a stupidly hot day at 4 p.m  ,hottest part of the day, 35 Mijas hashers turned up fearing the worse from the hares.

Not a bad turn out, probably influenced by the susidised On-on and the promised cava stop.

The run was explained by Just Say when who spent half an hour arguing with Justin about the function of  a Madrid sign called “feesh oooks” . Turned out we were all going to ignore it anyway.

The run started uphill then more and more uphill until the view over Morocco was perfect. Luckily the hares had advised the  “W&Wґs”  to ignore the “CBґs” and just walk through to the beer stop. Just as well otherwise Gangplank would have been down at the Urgencias!

The second half was a prickly run thru the dry campo until the Cava stop oasis appeared together with freshly squeezed orange Juice from JSWґs orchard. Heaven.

Third half was an upward stroll back to the cars.

The highlight at the circle was the birthday celebrations for the 2 hares.

Probably best to see the photos but it involved a lot of enthusiastic  “minge-munching”.

Not to mention Salmonella covering the girls with his frothy cream.

BBQ on-on was superb. Lots of meat and jacket potatoes followed by hash songs. Havenґt done that for a while. Bring back Tradition. Thanks to Dipper, Flakey, Colonic etc. for their efforts.

Anniversarios: Navigator 30 Craddlesnacher 155 Justin 180 Elephant Arse 225 Rubber Turd 270 Streaky 390.

On-on Dogsy

Run number 1468

Run Sunday 29 May  Hipodromo area

Hares: Izzyinyet and Jizzical Ferk

Finally a run to please even the most grumpy of Hashers! A good trail, plenty of falsies and splits, a jolly beerstop and loads of tasty and tender crisps, something for everyone really. Well, if you exclude the bunch of virginal Swedes that couldn't find the beerstop and Gobbiechov, who couldn't see the check-points or find the crisps as she was doing what she does best, i.e. “gobbying”..

Nothing like those crappy runs set in previous weeks, where certain hares had had the temerity to set runs over 6 k, didn't buy cancerogenous chips, and didn't even manage to keep the gales down during the on on. This run had style, elegance and sophistication, all in equal measure and not inversely proportional to each other, as had happened the week before (-) .

Although we were in a well-trodden area, the Hares had managed to find new and unexpected twists and turns, keeping the pack together most of the way and giving the geriatric.. , sorry senior citizen- mob every chance in the book to short-cut or generally shirk any real challenge. Hats off to them.

It was a festive atmosphere all around, with birthdays being celebrated in an innovative fashion:

cream  was applied to the most delicate parts of Clog Dancer and Izzyinyet, then topped with chocolate syrup, smarties, strawberries and a line of coke. There was a mad rush as volunteers scrambled to help clean up said mess. Gardener just managed to get her lips round Clog Dancer, just before Colonic did, who then had to conform himself with Izzyinyet. Dipper also managed to get to the fore, surprise, surprise, and together they left the covered areas cleaner then a dog's mouth.

The festivities carried on joyfully with the list of anniversaries:

Laura No Name (Hot Spice, Old Spice and Sgt. Pepper are some of the names floating around): 5 r*ns, Clog Dancer: 45 r*ns, Salmonella Rushdie: 255 r*ns, GobbieChov: 320 missed check-points, Gang Plank: 395 insults, Mummy's Boy: 530 short-cuts and Dipper: 645 leers.

Then, the R.A. took the circle in what we thought would be his usual inimitable fashion, but instead of his acerbic wit and habitual foul-mouthing, we were surprised by a most decorous and politically correct gentleman, who did his best not to upset anyone. He gathered all moaners and groaners, guilty of spoiling last week's run and had them apologize to yours truly for their despicable behaviour last week.

It sure was a lovely sight to see all of them humbly kneeled before me, intestines in a twist and trembling in anticipation of the neck-shot, but I magnanimously forgave all of them as I had left my Kalaznikov in the boot of my car, not expecting this opportunity.

Finally everyone departed to the Captain's Bar, the true haven for the “I know what I like and I like what I know” crowd, where I trust no untoward incidents took place, or if they did, the owners had the good grace to deck anyone who might have delivered a string of insults.

Can't wait for the next run.

Totally Out


Run number 1466 Hare: Jizzical Ferk Sunday 8th May

After not hashing since before Christmas I was looking forward to a pleasant experience in the Spanish Sun but decided to do the hash instead. All geared up and ready to go it started to piss down. However determined as I was I followed the excellent directions to the run site. The hash was described as “Nice, medium length, gently undulating run with short-cutting opportunities for the elderly and infirm” but as this was a Jizzical description then I expected the medium to mean Large.

The hash was convened in a circle at the top of a cul-de-sac that was constructed with the intention of building houses around. As is common in the area this was not meant to be. However by the number of discarded condoms around it served well as a public utility and a good spot to start a hash!

Despite the bad weather there was a good turn out of around 25/30 and after the usual frivolity we were keen to get started. Leaving tarmac behind in no time at all and with some well marked but very wet blobs of flour on-on was quickly called.

Undulating was a good description and the markings were unexpectedly clear given the weather. The trail was good and varied (thankfully no rivers) with checks and false trails. These worked well keeping the pack together.

Arriving at the beer stop apart form beer there was an abundance of a bag of crisps and twig-lets.

There was now a choice for infirm, walkers and runners. After not hashing for a while and being a bit soaked I decided to do the walkers trail. However after being goaded by Sir Flakey and karma chameleon  I took off after the runners, big mistake. After a bit of a long but very enjoyable slog I was one of the last back to the cars.

Everyone had returned in one piece and the circle was quickly convened. Sir Flakey and A.K.A Pussy Barron Red Galore presided and did an excellent cake on the head birthday job for ?????.

As the weather was bad down downs, camp out announcements badge awards etc. had to be kept to a minimum. Spermaid announced that as temporary dietary restrictions had been imposed due to a forthcoming medical investigative procedure,she would be unable to attend the Indian On-On, enough said!

After setting an excellent run twice because of the rain Jizzical was awarded a well deserved 8.9. Frivolities over about 50% of soaking hashers went off to the Indian that turned out to be excellent. Good run, good company, lots of fun! On-On Eggshell Blonde.


Mijas H3 Run 1462.

Hares: Aphrodisiac & JSW.

Location: Just outside Mijas Pueblo.

With ominous dark clouds covering the Mijas mountain range and droplets of rain on the widow screen of my car I made the steady climb up to Mijas and run site location, leaving the sun-drenched coast behind me. Luckily we were not starting at the little church where Henry normally starts his run, this I put down to JSW helping Aphrodisiac with the run!

The start location was down a rather rocky road, but a good turnout was looking on the cards, with “Ginger-minge” and “Salmonella Rushdie” , “Gang Bang” and “Elvis” returning to swell the pack to close to 30 hashers.

The circle was called and JSW advised the pack on the run marking with Aphrodisiac butting in to confuse the issue, it was all becoming very obvious that the after mentioned was a token Hare! and JSW was the brains behind todays trail.

On completion of the customary four toe, we were off, as usual Elephant arse took to the front of the pack like a geriatric gazelle, Mummies boy was a close second homing in on where he thought the beer stop will be and making his own trail! We were traversing in southerly direction on the old horse trails routes, very pleasurable trail indeed! The marking was a little bit shaky at the beginning as the hares tried to be clever with trail marking too close, the normal hasher is not smart enough so this lead to total confusion, but with Physical Jerk and Veryfuckus checking like mad men the true trail was found, it was turning into a pleasurable run as the dark clouds had vanished and the sun was out, the checks keep the pack together,  and the pack shuffled to the ever closer beer stop, I had to put up with Uncle fester explaining how in the old days men use to shave the arm pit hair off so not to smell, all riveting stuff and made the trail seem even shorter, being a macho type of person I did the big loop before the beer stop, so most hashers were on to the second bag of crisps when I arrived at the beer stop, first half out of the way and so far so good, we were advised the second half also had a split trail for the macho`s and the wimps, this is where it all went horribly for me, I was unfortunately trotting along with the ex-Nazi Rub Her Turd, when I came to a “CB” and headed back along the trail I thought the Nazi would have called On On to allow us back runners an idea of where the trail went, my cries of “Are you” fell on deaf ears, I followed what I though was the trail, but after a while and no flour I thought maybe not! I stumbled on getting deeper and deeper into thick bramble, I could see the cars and rest of the pack way down the hill, unfortunately there was two big gorges to cross, I came across a disused mine and thought this could end up my accommodation for the night, all those Bear Grills TV programmes would keep me in good stead, when in the distance I could hear JSW diminutive Gordie tones calling “Are you” I was saved, God bless the little Gordie wanker, I made my way back down the hill and with her guidance made my way back on trail and home, only to be greeted by a hostile pack all wanting to get the circle started, my traumatic experience not given a hoot!!! Bastards.

Circle was called and the anniversary patches given out, I was issued with names but have since lost that!! I was then given the sleeve for traumatic experience and the loss of 2 litres of blood,  I was then brought in to cleanse the pack, after dealing with the hares for a great run and not making the whole pack do the amazing second half of the run, “Master bates” entered the circle to tell of his going away party next Friday to cries of Fook off you C---t !!!! next in was the ex-Nazi  “Rub Her Turd” to explain about the multiple embarrassing moments he had endure over the past week – Wobbery of his wolex, buying books on line which he already owed, it’s a good job a did not go into his Bottom exploration and possibility of looking at the video footage of the colonoscopy ! People with lack of hash attire were brought in and cleansed, Justin (Mr Wallmart) was brought in for being “Over” hash attired !! numerous other down down were issued and dispatched!

On On was at the Fuente restaurant in the Pueblo, after Mr hash shit- Elephant Arse warned of imminent 3 hour wait for food, luckily this did not materialize, and a sumptuous feast followed with a wee glass of Patcharan to see us off.

Well done Hares.

On On

Sir Flakey

Ps if I have offended anybody tough shit xxxx           

Hashing weekend Rota Runs 91.6 and Mijas Run 1461.


After a 2 hour drive to Rota dressing up as cave persons, then being mauled and chased by dinosaurs round the town of Rota  9.9ks well done guys.. and of course the obligatory on out party until the wee hours… where some of us had far too much to drink, but all in a good cause..

One Tit and I then raced back to Mijas a 4 hour ride home as couldn’t follow the GPS !!!!

Dropped off One TiT, collected the hounds and raced up the road only to be told that due to late arrival.. And no time for a preloube.. I am to be scribe for todays run..

Compared to the flat Run of Rota, we set out up and down and up and down the hillside of Cerros del Aguila, with out beer… trying to find a flour  trail that had been eaten by sheep..

Compared to beautiful sunshine in Rota, we ran round in the cold wind and rain.. A quick beer stop due to rain.. Where I picked up my first of the day and started to feel more human..

Dogs loving the freedom put me back in good spirits… Did a short cut back to the circle and lead many others astray and was promptly pulled into the circle for this offence.. Uhmmm more beer

 GM was on form minus his bone…r and cave man dress…  And announced the Anniversarios and Hash Cash was standing by with arms laden with goodies for the sad bastards that have no lives..

Rusty Twat 50 and her mug which  she couldn’t be bothered to collect ( as she has a life) for over a year..

Megasore Arse 30 runs..

Uncle Fester 200 runs  Badge and after nicking some guys coat called Ralf he then had his name Graffitied on it.

Swizzy Roll 450 Runs… Rummage, Rummage …. badge handed over..

And finally the saddest of them all 

Up your Bum with 595 Runs.. 


Sir Flakey then cleansed many frozen bodies of their sins..too cold and tired at this point to remember or care..

 There was a birthday treat in store for Very Fuckus  in which Sir Flakey cracked eggs on his nose( making it bleed) before mixing it in a crown on his head along with lots of chips flour and beer, please see video supplied by Areoflaps..

On On 


Run #1460

Hares – Elephant Ass and Master Bates

No fewer than forty hashers (without a single virgin to swell the numbers) managed to find their way to the run start in spite of the economical directions and the absence of GPS coordinates so often demanded by Master Bates! Clearly, expectations were running high form two hares with a combined hashing experience of 1000 years.

The first seeds of doubt were planted when it was apparent from body language that the two hares were not on speaking terms and further reinforced from almost unintelligible chalk talk delivered by Elephant Ass. Two beer stops were promised but it seemed that we would be running the inward trail on the way out and the outward trail on the way in although not necessarily in a single pack. A mixture of flour, chalk, and shredded fluorescent hash t shirts provided the markings. Quite why we needed fluorescent markings was never revealed to us. Was it perhaps because Mater Bates expected us to finish in the dark?

The pack set off and soon the FRBs were faced with their first dilemma – an F marking a false trail which appeared to be from a trail coming from the opposite direction. Undaunted they continued on ignoring arrows which pointed then back to the start (or not as the case may be). A check back had the runners flummoxed for a while but eventually on on was called from the river bed and a mere 2km into the run the first beer stop was advertised – only there was no beer. There was also some strange script beneath the BS which could not be deciphered. Rather than hang around the trail was again picked up and into the woods the pack boldly went. At this stage it became apparent that the hares had interwoven their trail with that of the previous week’s other unmentionable Hash. Fortunately Pussy Galore who hared that run was with the front runners and was able to shed some limited light on the matter. Eventually the runners had to admit defeat and Aphrodisiac called one of the intrepid hares and was given directions back to the beer stop from whence the pack had just come. So, the pack actually clocked a healthy 4.5km at the first beer stop where they learned that they had run the inward trail out to the BS and then run the other hash trail. Of course by now many of the walkers had reached the BS although several more were missing. It seemed that the walkers had faced their own challenges and the mobile phone networks had been overloaded with calls for directions. Finally some forlorn hashers were spotted on the horizon approaching on what may have been either the inward or outward trail – or was it the other hash trail? Mummy’s Boy made it to the BS this week although quite how he got there remains a mystery.

The second half (or was it the third for the runners) was then announced by Master Bates and the pack was no less confused. However in the spirit of hashing some of the runners and none of the walkers set off back down the river bed faced with flour and opposing arrows and then after a series of loops which facilitated much short cutting by those who shall remain nameless found themselves back in the river bed and back at the same BS where the residue had quaffed almost all the beer requiring Elephant Ass to head to the nearest gas station to obtain emergency rations.

The run in was signed with the multiple markings and took us up hill and down streets. Here the pack was reunited with those who had fallen by the wayside. Hansel and Gretel had, predictably, got lost after a few metres.

In spite of the advertised run of "moderate length and modest difficulty" the hares (acting independently) had managed to put together a run which ranged from 5-10km depending on how much of the other hash trail had been included, how many loops had been completed and they confused the shit out of even the most seasoned hashers with at times contradictory markings. Then the penny dropped. It was 3rd April and of course April Fools’ day had occurred on the Friday. Now it became clear that this was a deliberate act on the part of the hares to celebrate this great festival. So in fact far from being chastised the hares were to be congratulated for this masterpiece of run mismanagement. There was some talk of "run of the year".

The circle was duly convened and the scoring exposed the different interpretations of the run. Some runners enjoyed it for the exercise value and chose to overlook the fact that most of this was achieved by running up and down the same trail several times. Others gave a score based on amusement value. However, unfortunately for the hares there were sufficient number of hash shit nominations that this overturned an average score of 5.4. Elephant Ass, after his 45 years of hashing, can now add one hash shit award to his trophy collection. The circle atmosphere was tense and it looked at one time as if a fight might break out between the hares and their supporters and detractors. A recount resulted in the same score.

The jury decided that Pussy Galore whould take a share of the blame for having the temerity to lay last weeks other hash trail in the same territory as this week’s Mijas run. Her co hare – Mika – was absent but Varifukus was identified as a close lookalike. Ice was judged to be almost too good for the hares but they bravely took turns on I throughout the proceedings.

The GM then named the anniverarios as Appy Ending with 30 runs (with almost as many hash badges on her waistcoat); Community Chest 40 (runs that is - not age); Gardener with 45; Yogi at 185; Big Mac (your esteemed scribe) with 200 under his belt and bringing up the rear (so to speak) Pussy Galore aka the Pink Baron aka AKA topping the league at 205. Big Mac was awarded with his 200 run badge and commemorative polo shirt.

Justin took over as RA and revisited various aspects of the run which resulted in the hares being punished several times over and increasing the risk of a further beer shortage. Among the other misdemeanours recognised was that of Yogi whose wallet contents had been stolen while billeted at HMS Arcos under the command of Semen Stains. This is a story worthy of a Sherlock Holmes novel. Whilst asleep in his bunk with doors and gates double locked, alarms and security cameras activated and guards and dogs patrolling the perimeter someone entered his room, carefully removed his wallet, ignoring the other goodies on display (no not those!) then extracted the notes leaving behind credit cards and other key documents. The RA conducted a body search of those harriettes who had been present hoping to uncover evidence but the only evidence he found was that harriettes enjoyed his attentions. Shaggy even showed him her Beaver.

All good things must come to an end and so the circle closed with directions to an Indian Restaurant in El Coto. Elephant Ass waved his hands in the air and muttered something about roundabouts and rights and lefts but confidence was not running high that those attending would find their way there. Your scribe chose not to take the risk and went home to the safety of his villa and burnt offerings.

On On

Big Mac

Run 1458- Hares Flakey & Stiff


Location above the tree line in Riviera/Calahonda/La Cala


                MR FLAKEY assisted by a stiffany

The traditional Irish theme run with lots of GREEN

The circle location description as posted by stiffany, supported with rich colour photographs sent our intrepid hashers on a tour of Miraflores and upper Riviera passing the floozee in za jacuzzi and under the N7 to reach the run start,  any boy scout with a bent compass or a Pink Barron would tell you was so easy to locate coming straight up from La Cala.

Anyway all managed to find the location with a few new faces and returnees joining the merry group of Guinness Hatted Hashers.

The area has spectacular views but limited scope for a sensational run due to the restrictions of the topography,roads and fences. However the views made  the slogging up and down the valleys far more bearable along with the amazing turn of fortune with the weather, early in the day rain was lashing down as is the norm in the land of Guinness . The luck of the Irish had the skies clear for the duration of the run. Seamen Stains being a salty old sea dog and armed with the aid of satellite weather predictions and reports from the crows nest,had decided it was far to risky to endanger the life of Oscar the ships dog and his Brazllian and Brace wearing partner, more used to a happy ending than slogging through a force three in lycra and a forced smile. His excuse for non attendance noted in the Flakey camp.

 It was far from a Dry run as lashings of Green Beer and the odd can of the Black stuff kept us all well lubricated, all waiting and wanting the extras advertised for the extended Beer Stop, Cava, Irish coffee, hot potatoes etc

Gangplank and I had Shaggadelic as pilot of a Fiat Panda to bring us to the Hash, however her mind was on other things, Football! and her team was playing an arch enemy back in Manchester. Her plan to fake the start of the run then dash down to Biddy Mulligans Irish bar to savour the game on the wide screen,not in the true spirit of hashing but something Mr Flakey had done many times to support Arsenal his favourite blue team.

In the true spirit of the Hash and Jolly holiday innovative thinking,a smart phone was thrust into the willing hands of our football fanatic and a mutany had been avoided. Viewing the excitement of a one nil defeat on a five inch screen being the high and low point of her day.

Not even an irish coffee or hot potato could remove that phone from her grasp.

The High part of the run and the whole point of the run was the Beer Stop in the former Yogibar,now renamed the Jolly Irish Bar with the best views on the coast. Access now greatly improved enabled our hares to stock the premisses with all goodies we hashers like. Hot Spuds, cold cheese flan, green pie? all washed down with whatever you wished,we could have spent hours up there. Flakey had a paddy when we short cutting bastards turned up well before the pack and he insisting we all hide to avoid the pack knowing the location of the beer stop. Once down in the valley though there was only one way up to the Jolly bar and it was a tuff one looking at the glowing face on Nickybitch, last hash being 4 years ago in the same location. Worth every kilowatt of energy expelled to recharge on all the goodies in the Jolly Bar,taking in the views and the warmth of the sunshine.

Elephant Arse led the charge back to the cars with myself bringing up the rear, knowing the area and not ashamed to short cut managed a ten minute lead on the last ones home. You cant teach an old Bear new tricks, once on sent of the next Guinness I was unstoppable.

Rubber turd and Spermaid still jet lagged from their winter in the Far East found a warm welcome back into the hash,as did a couple from Singapore who I conversed with but have completely forgotten their hash names . Gangplank Syndrome is catching but I didn't leave my walking stick at the Jolly Bar, so I feel I'm a long way from the full blown and irreversible condition that GPS has to offer in our more senior moments.

Our contact in Athens rejoined the group and we all greeted Streak of piss with the respect an expert in all things Greek and transmittable deserves,his input to the sexual health of the group is invaluable.

Dipper the RA did a haircare treatment on Nickybitch in celebration of her recent birthday, she was fortunate not to have had the full cake on the head treatment as that can take a few days to wash out.

Our long standing hash couple renewed there vows after 50 years together, sticky tart and uncle fester are an inseperation to us all, well done and congratulations from every one of us.

I forget the anniversaries except Shaggy had 185 and Up Your Bum having some ridiculous figure which made the Circle Shout  GET A LIFE

The run scored by only those who completed was a respectable  8.7 ish

Gorbbychoffs sister a virgin hasher remembered five hash names to receive her first down down, Gorby got the pleasure of drinking out of her shoe for bringing her along with new shoes, shame on you

Circle closed we head for the coast,its that big blue wobbly thing away from the mountains should any one have forgotten, what confusion at the first roundabout  but we stormed through with Shaggis shouting On On from the car window, the disappointment of her team defeat fading fast with the pull of the hot soup and chilli calling at Biddy Mulligans .

The choice of either half a bottle of wine or a pint on Guinness with the meal was a no brainer for myself and Shaggadelic, she being in the driving seat meant  I had to drink both, not a hard task really .

Awaiting was Capt Stains and crew with ships dog Oscar, master bates another fair weather hasher not on trail today but up for the food and drink at the On On. and good grub it was too.

Flakey and Stiff had a mission to complete, rat and arse have some loose connection but they were determined not to go alone, by this time my lift had cast off with Gangplank as both had to be responsible, one for health reasons and the other for work commitments, I'll let you work it out.

Fortunately for me Just say when lives close by to HMS Arcos and was prepared to drop me off, so it was three more Guinness just for good measures, more talking bollocks and a flip round the dance floor before heading up the hill towards Coin. My 27 min walk to meet my Panda lift down was a breeze in the When mobile heading home to my welcoming bed.

Another hash survivor

The Rev George Mooney (Retired) aka Yogi Bear

Run Number: 1457

Hares: Dippichov and Gobbichov

Location: Near the motorway outside Torremolinos

Time: Ridiculously early

Scribe: JerryCan

When I was assigned to be the scribe I had dreadful thoughts about having to write about back passages in darkest Torremolinos....but fortunately the hares had lied. They also lied about the trail being flat – the first backcheck led us to a steep incline, though clever short-cutting easily avoided this. The trail took us into pleasant countryside the other side of the motorway and not too much blacktop.

The ease of the checks meant that the front runners were well out of sight and at the beer stop about 10 minutes before the middle runners, who were a good 10 minutes ahead of the stragglers. The ease of the terrain was demonstrated by the fact that Karma Chameleon and Mummy’s Boy made it to the beer stop. Last to arrive was Up yer Bum, who promptly dropped her pants (situation normal) and had a pee. 

The ‘in trai’l was a bit shorter and I managed to keep in sight of the FRBs. The final section had us clambering over barricades and crossing the roundabout slip roads. I wondered how long the hares spent looking for the tunnel that clearly didn’t exist. The scores ranged from 6 to generous ‘high 9s’, which Mummy’s Boy averaged at 8.8.         

In the circle, there were far too many anniversarios to mention here. Notable winners were Mega Sore Arse: 25; Very Fuckus: 35 and ‘top of the tree’ (get a life), Up Yer Bum on 590.

Notable DDs from the RA (Flakey), excluding the usual disrespect (of which there was far too much), mug check, and attire included:

Shaggy – not being able to find the run site, yet just having taken on a job involving looking after 80 villas, most of which will be in the back of beyond; and also for not having attended a regular weekly hash during her time in the ‘pool (Liverpool for non-scousesrs). Shame on you Shaggy!

Very Fuckus – taking the hares too literally and wearing a ‘gay boy’ sailor top in the circle.

Yogi – shitting himself after drinking ten pints of guiness (DD awarded by Gang Plank, who did well to remember!) and changing his pants (trying hard to expose himself as usual) because he doesn’t like a ‘cold crack’. The RA’s notes appear to refer to a particular harriette, but I think he thought better about making the award!

On On to the Paddy’s Day Run – and green squidgy cake.


Run 1456- Hare Kindergarden cop and French Erection



It was a beautiful spring day with scents of thyme and rosemary, when 25 hashes and 7 dogs started climbing upto Mijas through the same route that the" mijeсos",villagers from Mijas used to go with the donkeys down to Fuengirola.

To our surprise we turned down to where we had started, so we had to start again through the hikes and paths of thyme and wonderful views of the blue Mediterranean Sea, going down through difficult Tunnels of canes feeling like Harrison Ford in his adventures films.

Back at the circle , coordinated by Dipper and Sir Flakey, besides the usual procedures we laughed at the fact that Uncle Fester had to be rescued from his car to go in the middle and Sir Sparkly claimed that he had to receive the 370 run patch, a couple of scottish ,sorry forgot the name of both, Big Mac and me for Scottish dancing doing a short demonstration of dancing.

The run was given a qualification of 8 points, from all returners in the middle of the circle.

Well done Kindergartden Kop

All in all we spent a lovely day , GRacias a todos, sois formidables.

             Your scriber   

              Swiss Roll


Chinese New Yeal Lun 1452

Run number   沒有一個他媽的線索

Hares: 流沙和范妮僵硬(Quicksand and Stiff Fanny)

Translation follows:


Mao Zedong's Long March started in 1934 and covered 6000 miles. It took them 2 years to try and escape from Chiang Kai Shek's troops and only 10% of the people that set off made it to safety alive. Well, let me assure you, that was a ruddy picnic compared to what we went through today at the Hash...

I mean, just to get served at the restaurant took over 3 years and it would have been longer if  Eggshell Blonde hadn't complemented the waitress on her rather bootylicious skirt. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Anyway, the run. We set off in a rather cautious fashion, having been promised a “view point” by the Hares, with 范妮僵硬 (Stiff Fanny) pointing at El Maromo in a rather lackadaisical way. There was bamboo, there were cobbles, there was shell-fire, and after a while we stumbled upon the Yang Tse. Some sad bar stewards actually started to cross this immense waterway, but Yours Faithfully saw Sir Frakey standing conspicuously in the middle of what was the obvious way ahead, so didn't fall for it.

The few Hashers that hadn't been swept away by the currents eventually returned and confirmed that it was in fact a 檢查返回(Check Back), so we could then get on with the real trail.

We then started up the slopes of the K2 in order to reach the first beel stop. At that stage, Mummy's Boy (媽咪的男孩) had already disappeared, as usual. This time managing to last just a tad longer than Henry Pu Yi in his post as Last Emperor of China.

I must say, at first, I had been rather weary of joining yet another one of Stiff Fanny's bootcamps, but I got more enthusiastic when we were suddenly promised money, vast amounts of it!  So, when we arrived to the summit and stumbled upon a small Temple, I immediately put 2 and 2 together and figured out that the money would be there, in the best Bhuddist tradition. I quickly grabbed the dough: 8 以奧司 (Yiaos) and can now finally enjoy a well-deserved retirement.

Not long after that, we made it to the beel stop, where we were replenished with spling lolls, Tsing Tao beel and clisps. There was a heated and passionate two-second discussion about sending out a search party for  媽咪的男孩, but the outcome was negative.

Off we went again, crossing 湖南 (Hunan) Province and making our way across the Great Wall with considerable difficulty, only to find out afterwards that there was a tunnel right underneath. Looks like 范妮僵硬 was slipping up a bit there, she normally sniffs out a tunnel at the same speed as a sewer rat.

At the second beel stop it became clear that  范妮僵硬 might have lost some skills, but not the one that allows her to create the most inventive cocktails: Cava with Li-Chees was the next treat and believe it or not, it actually tasted great. From there it didn't take long to make it back to our point of departure and start the (Circle – I must say, a rather square logogram..).


我不知道是負責傳遞我的音符該忘記的人。- 20 Luns, 250 Luns and 375 Luns, respectively.

Fortune Cookies: All participants in the circle were given some fortune cookies (made in Germany) and the portions of wisdom (“Man who farts in church has pew to himself”, etc.) were shared out amongst all.

Naming: One of the members of Lilo Lil's football team was given a Hash Handle: “Tiny Tim”, a bit of a boring name, if you ask me. He should have been called “Drop that soap!”, but I was ignored, as usual.

24 hour party-people: 一山雀(One Tit ) accompanied by the usual suspect was accused of sending Yogi Beal text messages at 4.00 am from Pogs, asking him to join in the fun. Apparently they were seducing some Daltonian Finnish bikers and thought Yogi could be of help there. Apart from the fact that Yogi was on a plane heading for Spain (“Oh, I can see Yogi waving goodbye, well it looks like Yogi..”) he is also the proud owner of a 1973 Nokia, so smoke signals would have been more effective than a text message.

And that's all folks, duty calls, so a rather limited report this time, sorry.

 萬歲猴子 (Long live the monkey) !



Mijas hash hoose harriers, Rin number 1450 hares: Seaman staines, 'Appy endin' an' Jist say Gwen. rin score: 9.2 (Translation follows...)

A scottish rin tae celebrate th' birthday ay a certain rabbie burns an' th' hares hud gain aw it tae provide th' ingredients necessary fur 'at purpose. We started at th' top ay a brae wi' magnificent views, reit next tae a palatial abode, probably quite similar tae Auld Reekie castle an' 'en descended intae th' darkest ay allies an' narraw passages. Danger was lurkin' aroond every corner, sharp objects waur forever threatenin' tae pierce uir fragile skin (ur fragile tights, in mah case) an' wi' a boorichie ay neds runnin' behin' me th' hares achieved a huir uv a faithful representation ay Calton, Glasgee. They hud e'en gain tae th' trooble ay leavin' a massife “jobbie” reit in th' centre ay th' car-park, reminiscent ay th' hallowed scottish burglary tradition. Almost a' fowk gart it tae th' motur park, thocht. We took only puckle losses: mummy's loon an' a body ur tois others feel victeem tae th' accostin' neds, but fa cares, reit? Seaman Staines hud bin huntin' fur haggis in th' days previoos an' hud managed tae shit jist th' reit number tae provide us wi' a spoonful ay th' delicioos beastie ance we got thaur. Jist an aw, as Elvis hud eaten aw th' crisps beforehain, sae Ain Tit was saved frae a potentially fatal hunger faint – at leest fur th' time bein'. Th' haggis an' puckle drams ay whiskey helped tae create yit anither bit ay atmosphere: several hashers waur heard tae imitate th' drunken chants ay a boorichie ay Aberdeen oil rig workers oan lae efter a sex week stint oan th' North Brine. Replenished wi' th' innards ay th' beasty, we 'en sit aff again, climbin' back up tae castle rock, whaur we aw regrooped an' prepared fur th' circle. Some titbits frae th' circle - an' aam improvisin' haur, as th' r.a. scuttled aff withit passin' me his notes.. anniversaries: Mega Sorearse 20 runs, that's piles ay runs alrecht. Master Bates 40 runs. Ain tit 85 runs, Izzy in yit 90 runs, Lee Marvin 200 runs – fur which he was given some bonnie gloves, pity 'at seaman Staines ended up usin' them tae waft his privates nae much later. Gangbang 280 runs ain lest, but nae leest, Dogs Bollox wi' 700 runs, fur which he received a complete wardrobe.
Penis envy: yoors truly was called it fur upsettin' a boorichie ay male hashers, fa felt raither stoaner dain by efter observin' his lithe thighs an' calves an' his nae sae lithe gearbox. Debtors: turns it 'at th' bloke fa ate aw th' crisps, Elvis, hud nae e'en paid his fees.
Ain th' operatur said 40 cents mair, fur th' next thee seconds, please.. : we received some mysterioos caa frae Singapair in th' middle ay th' proceedings, jist tae hae somebody daein' yit anither aberdeen oil rig worker imitation.. fortunately he rang it ay coins afair lang.

I'm afraid that's aw Ah min'.. sae, aff we went tae th' castle fur some grub. 'Appy Endin' hud bin slavin' awa' fur thee days tae provide th' hashers wi' a delicioos fife coorse scran, sae we aw sat doon an' tucked in. Silence descended upon th' congregation, noo heartily fillin' their gobs wi' th' available noorishment. Ah kept schleppin' plates ay scran tae Gangplenk, jist tae make sure silence woods rule jist 'at wee bit longer an' mair ur less succeeded. Elvis won at almost every hide-and-seek gam we played an' aam waitin' fur Bravefart, fa kindly released me ay mah duties, tae gezz th' results ay his hide-and-seek toornament wi' said elvis. A stoatin rin aw aroond an' mony cheers tae th' organisers, it was “grand”! ur is 'at Irish? Ah pure cannae teel aw these foreigners apart... oan on Jist in


Mijas Hash House Harriers, run number 1450

Hares: Seaman Staines, 'Appy Ending and Just Say Gwen. Run score: 9.2

A Scottish run to celebrate the birthday of a certain Robert Burns and the Hares had gone all out to provide the ingredients necessary for that purpose. We started at the top of a hill with magnificent views, right next to a palatial abode, probably quite similar to Edinburgh Castle and then descended into the darkest of allies and narrow passages. Danger was lurking around every corner, sharp objects were forever threatening to pierce our fragile skin (or fragile tights, in my case) and with a bunch of neds running behind me the Hares achieved a very faithful representation of Calton, Glasgow. They had even gone to the trouble of leaving a massive “jobbie” right in the centre of the car-park, reminiscent of the hallowed Scottish burglary tradition.

Almost everyone made it to the car park, though. We took only a few losses: Mummy's Boy and one or two others fell victim to the accosting neds, but who cares, right? Seaman Staines had been hunting for Haggis in the days previous and had managed to shoot just the right number to provide us with a spoonful of the delicious animal once we got there. Just as well, as Elvis had eaten all the crisps beforehand, so One Tit was saved from a potentially fatal hunger faint – at least for the time being. The haggis and a few drams of whiskey helped to create yet another bit of atmosphere: several hashers were heard to imitate the drunken chants of a bunch of Aberdeen oil rig workers on leave after a 6 week stint on the North Sea.

Replenished with the innards of the beasty, we then set off again, climbing back up to Castle Rock, where we all regrouped and prepared for the circle. Some titbits from the circle - and I'm improvising here, as the R.A. scuttled off without passing me his notes..

Anniversaries: Mega Sorearse 20 runs, that's piles of runs alright.
Master Bates 40 runs.
One Tit 85 runs
Izzy In Yet 90 runs
Lee Marvin 200 runs – for which he was given some beautiful gloves, pity that Seaman Staines ended up using them to waft his privates not much later.
Gangbang 280 runs
and last, but not least, Dogs Bollox with 700 runs, for which he received a complete wardrobe.

Penis Envy: Yours Truly was called out for upsetting a bunch of male hashers, who felt rather hard done by after observing his lithe thighs and calves and his not so lithe gearbox.
Debtors: Turns out that the guy who ate all the crisps, Elvis, had not even paid his fees.
And the operator said 40 cents more, for the next 3 seconds, please.. : We received some mysterious call from Singapore in the middle of the proceedings, just to have somebody doing yet another Aberdeen oil rig worker imitation.. fortunately he rang out of coins before long.

I'm afraid that's all I remember.. so, off we went to the Castle for some grub. 'Appy Ending had been slaving away for 3 days to provide the Hashers with a delicious 5 course meal, so we all sat down and tucked in. Silence descended upon the congregation, now heartily filling their gobs with the available nourishment. I kept schlepping plates of food to Gangplank, just to make sure silence would rule just that little bit longer and more or less succeeded.

Elvis won at almost every hide-and-seek game we played and I'm waiting for BraveFart, who kindly released me of my duties, to give me the results of his hide-and-seek tournament with said Elvis. A great run all around and many thanks to the organisers, it was “grand”! Or is that Irish? I really can't tell all these foreigners apart...

On on Just In

Run 1449 Stiff Fanny and Community Chest
Venimus, Cucurrimus, Bibimus
Et optime erat!
(**see below)
Run highlights...
1. The Trail in beautiful countryside
2. The tunnel, all 1.2 km of it
3. The weather – clearly the hares took the trouble to dance naked at midnight covered in wode to appease the Gods, I always do this and it clearly works! Perhaps the hares could supply photographs as an instruction to future hares. A video would be even better!
4. The company of course!
5. Not to forget the beer, wine and curry
6. Overall rating 8.6
**For those without the benefit of a classical education this means,
We came, We ran, We drank
And it was very good!

Scribe: TT My arse









RUN 1447 3rd January - Hares : Flakey & Stiffy

 In Rememberance of Dearly Departed Hashers

Commendations were made and a minute's silence held for departed hashers, ably led by Flakey in the purple gown.

Off we went up the hill saying 'we usually go this way', but Assaulty Dog, being a visitor and not knowing that, found the real trail along a flat path between the hill and the road. Of course, once the pack had all followed, the freshly renewed flour had merged into yesterday's rained-in flour and some of the FRBs had got ahead, a CheckBack was found and we went back to the end of fresh flour and followed it Very Steeply up the Hill, as expected...and Up...and Up even more Steeply to the first beer stop with tasty Danish biscuits from Streakey's nephew(hash name ?) and garden tangarines. We were assured the route to the Cava Stop was downhill all the way; of course it wasn't entirely, and involed the usual steep bank to scramble down, and bamboo-jungled streambed to hack along, but the cava was wonderful and the sausage rolls elegant but sufficient.  After that we wondered whether we would be forced around a circituous route back to the cars which we could see through the trees, but luckily not, so forgetting that and the quality of the stops but remembering the Very Steep Hills, the hares Flakey and Stiffany got a grade of 8.7.

Streakey distributed grapefruits before the circle, maybe hoping to distract the RA from mentioning her latest namesake/fruit-bearing efforts at the New Year swim...of course it didn't.

Yogi and Just In ran a tight circle with many downdowns, mostly to Mummy's Boy, being awarded for misdemeanors the previous night involving sleeping at pedestrian crossings, avoiding the whorehouse and swearing on the train amongst others.







RUN 1448 10th January

As dawn arrived, we all gathered at Guadalmar swamp. Amongst the complaints of an early start and stepping over the used johnnys even to get to the starting line, where even the planes overhead changed their normal path to avoid this spectacle, signs were explained to all newcomers and we were off. The route was as flat as Keira Knightley's frontage but for a first run, an average of 7.8 is   very impressive for Appy days. In fact it was going too well until a simple question of "how do you like your Paella" actually translated into a question as difficult as"which came first the chicken or the egg?". Well, the yoke was on Appy Days as she was trying to ask us all both before and after the run, how moist we liked it. After about 20minutes, we realised that it wasn't an innuendo, she actually meant the Paella. At this point, we could hear the restaurant closing so we headed for the On-on after Jezzicle Ferk pronounced his undying love to (Isa) and Yogy displayed his talents in miming whilst handling heavy machinery which really meant an industrial vibrator. That explains the limp. So, apparently the worst was over as we were sent to a restaurant "over there behind the blue building"called Tick Tack. What were the chances of there being more than one restaurant carrying this name in the same square kilometre, well 100per cent actually. Half went to one Tick Tack and the other half went to the other one. At least the food was lovely when we eventually got there and it saved us eating dinner by the time we had finished. Carlos White