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      RUN REPORTS 2008

Run no. -1070 Sir Roys memorial run.- Dec 28th 2008

 Hare - Oxfam Where - Below Mijas

Two run reports this week (& 2 sets of photos)

Well a good start for “Sir Roy's” run was the location. And thats where it ended!
> > Although the directions on the infer web thigie said turn left after the Thai restaurant, it was in fact right! Not to mention that the Hare “Ox” shortened by the fabulous handsome talented twat of an RA had purchased far too much San Miguel Yuk!
> > This was the shortest run that I have had the pleasure of attending. We later measured it at 14 meters including the Drive to the On On. Which was superb by the way and made me feel a bit Guilty about giving Oxfam one. For the run I mean, I didn't actually enter him in any way. But he should have been Shagged for the shortness of the run by all accounts.
> > Talk about down then up then in,in less than 40 mins including the beer stop! It reminded me of fender Benders total sexual experiences for the past 4 years! According to hobble anyway.
> > It would have kept the whole pack together but some sad bastards even ran the first bit (and I mean bit) back again!!!
> > Anyway, seriously for a moment. The GM opened the circle with a reading of hasher's that have gone to the great on on in the sky. All present remained silent for the duration. The hasher's mentioned were
> > After the run receiving mixed comments from hash shit to 9.9?????? the aniversarios were duly downed downed.
> > The Fab, wounder full, handsome, debonair, swarve, educated, funny and totally gorgeous RA did his bit in the circle by making one and all dance around his golden balls, punishing most people for sex on the hash and numerous other trumped up charges.
> > Two hasher's were named Fanny Fiddler and somthing..........(god I was pissed by then)
> > Anyway Circle closed it was on to the ON ON. FAN BLOODY TASTIC a Thai food extravaganza. well done Ox for short!
> And a lovely pair you had doing it for you as well, you lucky, lucky bastard.
> > On On
> > Gang Bang (well....ish)

Despite Oxfam not knowing his right hand from his left when giving directions on the website, 27 or so hashers managed to find the start area.

 The GM called the group to order and before all our usual nonsense started, requested that everyone whilst reflecting on the memory of Sir Roy who was still running with Mijas H3 when he was 80, to spare a moment to remember other hasher we have lost over the preceding year.

Trigger – Sir Roys wife – always treated us to wonderful curries at the On Ons

Lanker Wanker – past GM of Mijas H3

Roughneck – one of hashes characters

Big John- always supported us when in town

Jim Jolley – Flakeys father who attended run no.1 some 20 years ago and was the brains for the design of our Burro logo.

 After suitable reflection we noticed that it was bloody cold and eager to get the old joints moving we rushed Oxfam through the usual hare instruction, a quick photo and we were off. A quick amble down the road to the first check, then off down a precipitous scrabble into the campo and things were looking good for a long strenuous hash. How wrong can you be !!! after 15 minutes we arrived at the Beer Stop and after enjoying copious quantities of the amber nectar and Lidl’s crisps we ambled back to the cars arriving at the cars some 10 minutes later. We had in fact spent more time at the beerstop than the total run. Oxfam’s protestations that his house had burnt down or something during the previous week were discarded by all and sundry as just an excuse, but everone chose to be magnanimouse and he received an unbelievable 5.5 for effort.

 We all froze to death whilst Colonic Irrigation waxed poetical chastising miscreants in his own inimitable way, and if we had not got cold enough, he dragged two poor sods into the circle for a christening. Cheap as Chips step daughter was named “Comes cheap” and a visitor who foolish told us that he had not received a hash name yet, was christened “Fanny fiddler” to match his girlfriends “Ball handler” name.

 The circle was quickly closed and we headed off to Oxfam’s abode to enjoy the delights of Asian cooking, skewered prawns with peanut sauce, Laos spring rolls, a choice of two Thai/Laos curries and Mango trifle to finish – a spread any restaurant would be proud of!!   Between courses Master Bates treated us all to one of his excellent slide shows of some of our passed hashes.

 A good time was had by all, well done Oxfam, I am sure Sir Roy will be looking down favourably on you.


 Two Pies

Olav´s Pictures


Xmas Run

Run no. -1069 Xmas Town Run  Dec 28th 2008

 Hare - Shaggi  Where - Fuengirola town centre


Run no. -1068 - Dec 21st 2008

 Hare - Gangplank Where - Casa Gangplank - Coin


Run no. -1067 - Dec 14th 2008

 Hare - Up yer bum / Sperm Aid Where - Torreblanca


Run no. -1066 - Dec 7th 2008

 Hare - Dogs Bollox Where - St. Anthony´s School

Thanks go out to Dogsy for stepping in at the last minute to set the run and who cares whether it is one of his cycle runs or otherwise.

 As the Grand Mattress was off chasing Agatha Christie on our competitors run, the GM Two Pies decided that he better return to taking the circle as members might forget what he looks like. Stern warning about turning up for On On´s and keeping dogs under control during the Hash established his return presence and made everybody look forward to Spermaids return.

 The Hare Dogsy, gave a brief description of the markings and handed over to Hash Flash who buggered about taking a photo of his foot, the sky and finally the group of approximately forty hashers who were fast losing interest, and were more intent on vanishing up the hill into the Campo. After our recent cold snap the weather remained kind to us and a well marked trail took us up in to the hills and rewarded us with superb views of the countryside to the rear of Fuengirola which we admired whilst imbiding in the amber nectar at the beer stop.The GM tried to set an example by keeping his two dogs on a lead and maintain a position to the rear of the pack, but discovered on his arrival at the beerstop that he was the only silly sod taking notice of his own words – wonderful to command respect is it not?

A few beers and several packets of crisps later the pack headed off once again back to our starting point.

 A very appreciative group said many nice things and awarded a spanking 8.75 – well done Dogsy.

 The GM once again did his brief bit and in the absence of Colonic Irrigation, handed over to the Arch Dickon Dipper, who regaled us in his own inimitable style for an hour while we waited for the restaurant to open.

 A 3 course meal including wine for €8.5 gave us cause for concern but what great value it turned out to be. Please note future Hares - if Dogsy can do it so you all can.  

Two Pies


Hash No:         1065 - La Cala
Date:                Sunday 30th November 2008
Sparky YOB



Hash No:         1064 - Rio Grande, Coin
Date:                Sunday 23rd November 2008
Kindergarden Kop

Once again, we were all there, at the Hash venue, fully intent on performing our weekly chore of keeping, the reaper at bay. There was a good turnout of hashers, something to do with the on on on’s costing a mere 10 euros, probably. Unfortunately, yours truly, was not expecting to be press ganged into being scribe, (thought I’d irritated enough people in the past, to avoid being picked on again) so I wasn’t listening when the actual numbers were announced. We knew however, that it was well gone time for the run to start, when we saw Dipper and Gobichov arriving. They weren’t the last though. At approximately two Cruzcampo’s and a Mahou past three o’ clock, Flakey and Stiffanny hove into view, tacking to starboard, leeward of a South easterly trade wind. The excuse was probably that they got becalmed in the Doldrums, South of the Sierra de Mijas. And still I got scribe!!! I must have upset someone.

 Eventually the circle was called and guess what? Our GM, Knockout Two Pies Neptune, who had just returned from a month of sunbathing in his dishdash and ghuttra, on the beaches of South East Asia, wimped out of his responsibilities and asked that, Dominatrix of the circle, Spermaid to be Grand Mattress, yet again. No problem there though, she does a much better job than him and who would dare to cause dissent in the circle, when she cracks the whip? The Hare was called and his assistant was acknowledged. Swiss Roll was eager to announce to the circle, that although she had assisted with setting the run, Kindergarten Cop had ignored any advice she tried to offer. Like for example, buy some flour!!!!! Perhaps the alarm bells should have started ringing at that point. In fact the alarm bells should have been ringing, when we all noticed how many, really nice signs had been used to guide us to the venue. All without arrows, so we knew when to turn, but not where. He only got away with his last Hash because he had an absolutely superb assistant. Guess who that was!!!!! 

 There being no visitors, or virgins, the run got off to a start, as soon as Karma Chameleon could find the optimum spot for taking the group photo, so half an hour later!!!!! No sooner had the pack set off, than we got lost. Quite easy, when there is no flour to follow. So we were kindly pointed in the right direction and we got lost. Now if an inexperienced Hasher was setting his or her first run, you might understand them being confused, about how you set a Hash. Kindergarten Cop however, has been hashing for ages and as a prolific front running bastard, you might have thought he would understand the significance of laying flour. The major problem was that after checks, split trails or whatever other signs were laid, false trails were not marked and the correct trail had no markings for about a kilometre and a half. So every time there was a diversion, everyone got lost. The up side of this was that the pack stayed together. Well, they were all in Andalucia. The first half of the run continued like that until the beer stop, which most of us eventually arrived at. Where was Master Bates? Was he hiding in the bushes, practising his name? No he was lost. Our gallant hare set off to find him. Eventually he turned up with the ever faithful Gaugin, just as the rest of the pack set off for the final leg of this epic trek. There is nothing to report about the second half of the run, that differs from the first, so, if you actually get round to reading this, Shagadellick, you can go hashing again, cause you aint Hash Shit anymore. Please bring Kindergarten Cop’s bog seat back.

 Back at the circle, the pack gradually arrived in dribs and drabs, discussing suitable methods of causing pain to KC’S various body parts. But where was our hare? He was off looking for Master Bates again, although this time the ever faithful Gaugin had arrived back early and set about challenging Robbie for all the spilled crisps. On the subject of patatas frits, they were about as much in evidence as the flour.

 Eventually Spermaid called the circle and invited the assembled pack to award points for the hare’s efforts. Most of the points were on the ends of large sticks and were pushed into him and he was duly awarded the supreme accolade of being Hash Shit for most of the rest of his life.  Then, as previously mentioned, there were no virgins or visitors, so returnees were called for and the circle imploded. Was anyone at last week’s hash? Spermaid then dished out various down downs, for a variety of transgressions, most of which, I can’t remember, as I had nipped out for a quick fag.

 The circle, in time honoured tradition (TRADITION) was then handed over to the RA. What thespian delight had our closet tranny got in store for us this week? Napoleon perhaps? No he’s not tall enough. Personally, I can’t wait for his Florence Nightingale or his Bodicea. But not this week. This week he had actually excelled himself. He had nipped down to the Michelin factory and bought a suit and he had shaved part of his head, and he came as Dipper!!!!!! Brilliant impersonation. Accurate down to the rubber cock and the over confidant swagger, or was it stagger. No, you guessed it, Colonic wasn’t here this weekend, but he was admirably replaced, by our very own Arch Dickin Dipper.

 Dipper, or should I say, our very reverend RA, took command of the circle and with the social conscience of an erect penis, proceeded to pour warm beer down as many throats as he could, including yours truly, for some discretion or other, Flakey and Stiffany for having attended a boating show or something, and coming back with bits of a 1978 VW Camper Van and Karma Chameleon, for being a reject from the multi coloured swap shop. All of this caused a couple of our number to be overcome with emotion, to the extent that, Semi Retard and Spitoon, could stand it no more and legged it to their car and left, with great alacrity. Now bearing in mind that neither of them had actually done the run, what could they have done to warrant getting a down down and being under the misapprehension that the canned beer was running out, they phoned their mate Vernon and offered him, the loan of a Euro, so he could put it in the electricity meter and reopen the Black Horse. See, puzzle solved.

 The circle was eventually closed and most of the assembly, relocated to Lesley’s Bar, a couple of hundred metres up the road, where at least one of the two advertised courses turned up and a great time was had by all.

 Something that puzzled me this weekend was, the run started after our asst Hash Flash took the group photo. During the circle, all you could see was the wearer of Jason’s many coloured coat, taking one photo after another. At the restaurant, there he was again, click click click, flash flash flash. Now if you care to look on the run reports (above or below this little note) you will see a paltry eighteen photos, most of which are blurred, out of focus, or taken in the dark without a flash. Except of course the two photos of himself, obviously taken by a photographer. What was he really doing?

Also if you look on the run reports and you will have to or you won’t be able to read this, you will notice that only two run reports have been done since Dipper’s away day. So why should I bother? Please disregard this as I can’t be bothered to write it.

 Overall report for Kindergarten Cop,  1 out of 10 could do better. See Me!!!!!

 Great area, loads of potential, loads of effort, no idea!!!!

 On On Fender Bender.




Hash No:         1063- Estepona
Date:                Sunday 16th November 2008
Limp-toed sloth

Deep in the valley above Estepona the eager group met before starting a hash of highs and lows. The run started in a precarious way over an Indiana Jones-esque bridge and took a steep climb to the top of the mountain, then back down followed by a steep climb to the top of the mountain and once again to a much needed beer stop before back to the circle.

 The run received an 8 overall for country and views with complaints that the pack were split up, check backs were too long and the hills were a bit steep – Willy Wankers Willy Warmer thanked the Hare for the trip to Morocco as Vodafone had welcomed her to their beautiful country.

 The circle was started a little earlier than usual as Master Bates and Oxfam arrived an hour after the start of the hash with Master Bates blaming his late arrival on the poor signage to the site and Oxfam just decided to roll up for 16.00 still on ‘old’ time. 10 / 10 for effort to Master Bates who attempted to find the rest of the pack but failed miserably confusing the signs of flour.

 Dipper. entered the circle waving around his shrivelled cock in a very libral manner to the disinterest of most of the circle. Wally giving Willy Wanker’s Willy Warmer a piggy back through the water was hugely frowned upon and led to a theme of ‘One Yorkshire man drinks, all Yorkshire folk drink’, 4 down downs later this started to slow ...

 Attentions turned to renamed ‘War Paint’ who was claiming that her shiner was from falling over pissed at the Malaga Hash however Rubber Turd tried to take the credit despite the fact she had managed to hide this from him for 3 days. Who said love was dead?

 The evening took a down turn and finished in a slightly upsetting way for most when Yogi seemingly pissed down his leg and had to remove this trousers leaving on lookers to admire his tight boxers. Thank god it was getting dark!

Lydia Smith

The temperature had by now fallen to 11 degrees C, and in a convoy we followed the narrow winding road, down through the river, and on unpaved road. A 4-wheeler would have been great! We finally came to the OnOnOn Venta which was crowded with Spanish people enjoying the lively band. The dance floor was full, and we were placed at two tables on the edge of the floor. Food was good and service was fast. In between stuffing our faces with food and wine, there was time to join in the crazy dancing. Lots of fun.. Well done Hare.





Hash No:         1062- Mijas Road
Date:                Sunday 9th November 2008
Aphrodisiac & Cradle snatcher


Hash No:         1061- ScorpioRun
Date:                Sunday 2nd November 2008
Hares:              Flakey & Golden Cascade
Location:          Marbella




Hash No:         1060 - Halloween Run
Date:                Sunday 26th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Dumb Arse ditch Dummy
Location:          Rio Grande, coin area








Hash No:         1059
Date:                Sunday 19th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Mummy´s boy/Veuve Clitot
Refugio de Juanar





A wet, grey afternoon when 19 die hard hashers met to tackle the daunting climb to the top of La Concha mountain.

Cloud was rapidly descending and visibility was poor but that did not prevent the intrepid group from pursuing the run in hand.

Fairly quickly the front running bastards were ahead and the old, lame and infirm Sparky. Lilo and Up yer bum decided to detour to an easier route due to poor visibility. Mummy’s boy, God bless his cotton socks, had set the run on flour on Saturday and this had all been washed away by the deluge so like a true hasher had re-set a shorter run on Sunday due to poor weather.

Those front running bastards Rubherturd,Kintergarden and Septic Scrotum managed  the original route to the summit whilst a fairly disparate group tackled the new run in increasing poor visibility.

Sperm Aid was a little confused as she dressed as a chicken thinking it was Easter.

Limp Toed stepped in a R.A for the circle when 8.25 was awarded as marks for the run. A valiant effort I say.

We then retired to the Refugio for an enjoyable meal but unfortunately for Veuve Clitot who had arranged a good price based on numbers only 17 partook as the other lazy bastards had stayed at home in the dry and warm cos they could not be arsed to go to the run despite many excuses. To add insult to injury when asked to give a euro tip only 10 out of 17 people did. Old habits die hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

All in all a great effort. Many thanks to Mummy,s boy and Veuve Clitot.

Scribed by a very straight speaking Lilo.

Hash No:         1058
Date:                Sunday 12th  Oct 2008
Hares:              Streakys
Location:          Mijas Golf area



Hash No:         1057
Date:                Sunday 5th  Oct 2008
Hares:              JY Kelly/Big Mac
Eldorado Cuidad del Cine



Hash No:         1056
Date:                Sunday 28th  Sept 2008
Hares:              Dipper/Karma/Golden Cascade/Gobi
Location:           Magical Mystery Tour - Somewhere near Grazalema.

 As black storm rain clouds gathered over Fuengirola feria ground a band of 37 or so hashers waited patiently at 9.30 in the morning for the now late coach. However we did receive light relief from the Guardia Civil who entertained us with their industriousness in towing cars away to the police pound - today was Fuengirola Romeria something our hares had forgot to advise us of. The scribe considered himself lucky to have parked around the corner but was disillusioned on his return at 11.30 in the evening to find that his car had been broken in to and his Emporio Giorgio Armani sunglasses had been stolen – will now have to get down to my local Chinese bazaar and buy another pair for ˆ3 !!! 

I digress – the coach arrived and with much trepidation we boarded and set off to who knows where – Spermaid ran a book on where we might be heading and with guesses such as Delhi and Beijing it was apparent that we did not have a clue. Hobble Gobble inspired us with her “I think it is along the coast, but inland” ( you sure you have no Irish in you Hobs ) and we settled down to enjoy the trip and appreciate the view out of the windows of the now rain swept countryside. Along the coast for an hour or so then hang a right and head inland up the mountains ( almost right Hobs ) and with a 10 minute break for 37 of us to get a coffee ( lending a whole new meaning to Expresso coffee ) we arrived at the run site some 2 hours later.

 The rain had packed in for now but boy was it cold.  After a quick circle with the hares usual Hares misinformation we headed off up a mountain, and up, and up, and up – the scribe received Hash shit for doing less than this. Relief finally arrived at a check which took us all down hill, our enthusiasm was dimmed however when we came upon an F !! Back up the hill to the check, and guess what! the trail took us uphill some more, but this time a scramble and climb up rocks reminiscent of one of Stiff Fanny´s assault coarse hashes. Finally we arrived at the top, and we all marvelled at the 3metres view in front of us, as the mist had now come down with a vengeance.  Having enjoyed the view for a good 30 seconds, confusion ensued as we all searched for a non existent check, finally to be directed in the correct direction by the sweeper Golden Cascade. During this period we managed to loose a hasher; fortunately it was only 12 year old Scratchy and as he is now making a habit of getting lost, nobody cared a damn. A welcome downhill slope for half hour or so led us to the beer stop where we enjoyed a light lunch before heading on for the second part of the trail.  The only advantage of spending an inordinate amount of time going  up is that on balance you have the same distance down. This was the case and we were treated to what would have been a pleasant run or amble if the heavens had not opened after 5 minutes and we finished up slipping and sliding on clay, finally running down a path which had now become a river to the finishing area.

 After a while the circle was called, only to be abruptly stopped by the revelation from Aphrodisiac that the Hash camera was waterlogged and we would not be able to have a record of this momentous run. New hasher Olaf jumped into the breach and made his camera and presence known by popping up at inappropriate moments to take piccies. Anyway back to the story; Two Pies did his GM bit and the group awarded a well earned 8.75 for the run. The circle was passed to Colonic Irrigation who, for reasons best beknown to himself, turned up in a Roman Toga! ! perhaps he will use any excuse to get into or under a frock.  The usual RA tirade followed with Fender Bender doing his party piece with the sleeve and Colonic giving us all a latin lesson and renaming everybody. The joviality  finally came to an end and we boarded the bus to the eatery. 

Jelly Belly an ex Mijas hasher from way back, has left his restaurant in La Cala and reinstated himself in Grazalema ,which translated means the middle of nowhere. Having had no custom for 3 months he was therefore pleased to have the hash take over his establishment and upset his customer. He treated us to great hash nosh, we sang and told jokes and a great time was had by all. One notable occurrence was Karma Chameleon telling 3 jokes and also remembering the punch line (keep taking the tablets Karma they are working). Well sated with food and drink we piled into the coach for our trip back to Fuengirola  

A great day out thanks to the enormous contribution of the hares.  

ON ON - 2 pies

Photos: Hares setting the run (note the good weather)



Photos:Thanks to Olaf,Shaggi & Aphrodisiac(before the camera got wet)


Hash No:         1055
Date:                Sunday 21st  Sept 2008
Shaggadelic / Speed Bumps
Location:           Mijas Road - Pueblo Tranquillo

This was the day after the Great End-of-Summer Ball, but a good 30 people turned up to relieve their heavy heads.

We were warned of looooong False trails, a true runners run etc. Off we went on this extremely hot afternoon straight into a X. A bit of a long check which immediately led into a split trail and then again into another split trail. Then we were finally on our way running, walking. Yours truly was very lucky to hit the right trail at the checks, but not so lucky to get to what would turn into a BS and a check 5 minutes after she passed it. Thus I ended up going down and down and around just to find a flicking F. Back up the hill and the BS was in place, with a check-around and all…

All in all the whole run was of a true Hair-of-the-Dog length and was given an average of 7.5. Well done Hares – or should I call you Does, as you are both of the female gender.

RETURNERS:      more than half of the circle

VISITORS:        G-String and Machine from Singapore Hash

VIRGINS:         Bahman – friend of Salmonella

ANIVERSARIOS: Golden Cascade           205

                     Swiss Roll              170

                     RubHerTurd           145

                     SpermAid              145

                     Septic Scrotum          95

                     Speed Bumps             25 and a badge

Our great RA took over, and what did he produce? A great and dirty cardboard box, which could easily contain a squatting Hasher. He lined it with a few empty chips bags, and placed 2 of the Harriettes (one at the time though) in there.. Golden Cascade and Up Ya Bum had the great delight of trying it out for size. And it really did fit. There was some sort of a boob size contest as well, and lots of DDs for sins committed at the Summer Ball.

Finally we were all relieved of our many sins and ONONON we went to Desiree Restaurant on the Avenida de Mijas Road for huge plates of Pork meat in different dresses.  And some great Flamenca (Gitano) entertainment which involved our Hare Speed Bumps.

Great Night. Thanks Hares (Does).

ONONON SpermAid 


Hash No:         1054
Date:                Sunday 14th Sept 2008
Hobble Gobble and the disrespectful Fender Bender aka Rudolf Hucker!Shaggadelic / Speed Bumps
Location:           Alhaurin woods

 Some 28ish hasher's had nothing better to do on this lovely Sunday afternoon. The circle was called at 16.15 and we were introduced to 2 new cummers Clint and Allan.
We started going up hill for some 12 km then on to the Sierra Nevada; around the mountain twice then Back to Alhaurin.
The run took us through some great campo with fantastic views all around. well marked and interesting.
The beer stop was in the shade thank God and then we set off again: I took the ww accompanied by Summer for part of the way until she was kidnapped by two dodgy looking people in an Spanish registered English/Japanese 4X4. the route took us ww´s along the road back to the cars.
The circle was called at 6.30ish  by the GM and then the aniversarios were duly rewarded: Streaky 105 runs and Marshy Pees 15 runs.

2 pies then allowed the RA (a fine and upstanding hasher of great caricature and personality) in for some serious chastising.
Karmer the git, then chose to pour water all over the RA for no reason whatsoever so he had to sit on the potty and get his ball wet! Good choice I think?

The Golden balls were dropped twice and so did the hashers.

Fender Bender/Rudulf Hucker (I think we should re name that Bastard if only to make him get his wheel cover re done) was sleeved for a change as he has not had it for at least a week.
Mummies boy and Verve Clito were done for trying to stop a deaf and dumb driver reversing into MB: Turns out that there was nobody in the car anyway!
Gangplank and Mummies boy both  had new shoes so you know what happened there!

The circle then closed after about 3 hours of punishment to all in attendance then the on on.

Great food at the Boma or Bomber or Bummer whatever its called: I can´t remember; with some of the best wine that I have had on the hash to date: well done guys this made a nice change from the usual crap salad, dry pork chop and bloody flan! We had a Poiky pot or a curry; edible salad wine and a liqure for only 11 euros! Brill!!!

Well done again Hares you scored an 8 for the run (should have been a 9 if you ask me)

on on on

Collonic Irrigation or Yes, Mr Irrigation, Sir if you can´t remember it Karma? :)


Hash No:         1053
Date:                Sunday 7th Sept 2008
Karma/Golden Cascade
Location:           Back to skool run - Fuengirola

For those wingers amongst you, we are now back to Sunday running and a throng of 25 to 30 hashers dutifully met for this years back to school run. For some reason it appears that the opportunity of dressing in kids attire was popular, the harriettes excelled themselves in freckles,pigtails, gym slips and tight blouses (this was fantasy overload) and the guys were in ties and short shorts (for those with that preference).

 The motley group circled up for the hares brief instructions on their live hare run. After being suitably dispatched to do their worst, Colonic Irrigation then kept the pack well entertained with his name game for 15 minutes or when we decided the hares had enough time to set the run..

 The run itself took us through the streets of Fuengirola entertaining both locals and tourist alike with our cries of “on on, checking, and what markings”. The scribe will not bore you with the run details as many know the streets of Fuengirola, and those who do not will not be interested anyway. Never the less the hash proved to be quite enjoyable providing us with a suitable amount of running and confusion and two excellent bar beerstops to replenish liquid lost through running in the heat of the day.

The run was awarded a commendable 7.75 for a good effort.

 Colonic Irrigation surpassed himself in his latest incarnation as a deviant Benny Hill type school teacher (kindergarten cop please take note) complete with pebble glasses, thinning fold over hare and dirty shirt. Taking on the roll with gusto he distributed several canings to miscreants, many of whom seemed to enjoy the experience and came back for more. Colonic went on to call the shool register for class H3 and Karma Chameleon demonstrated how close into senility he is as on 5 occassions he could not remember the words “Here Mr.Irrigation sir” (not difficult hey?)

 After awhile the circle was disbanded and we trotted to a local restaurant for the on on.


 Two Pies


Hash No:         1052
Date:                Monday 1st Sept 2008
Stiffanny & flakey  
Beach Party near La Cala

Hash No:         1051
Date:                Monday 25th August 2008
Two pies & Fender bender  
Location:           Barranco Blanco

After setting the Run for the Malaga Hash 2 days earlier, Fender Bender, not unreasonably, used the same location again. A goodly number attended, 40+  in fact.

So it was up through the pines for the first half to a great location for the Beer Stop. However, … there was just one little problem along the way. On one check, every possible route option had an F on it. Confusion reigned and eventually it took a phone call to the Hare to solve the problem. Apparently an F from the previous Run should have been erased. It must be said that this was not the first time that the pack have been confused or lost on a trailn.

Then the second half started … and went on, and on, and on. As the majority returned it was going dark and the Circle was certainly held in the dark. Clearly the Run was just too long for an evening start.

There were some calls for Hash Shit, but not enough. Flakey was GM for the night and Colonic Irrigation did his usual stirling job as RA. The circle was most remarkable for the entry of a car, driven by Septic Scrotum, to take his down down.

The ON ON was at Los Nebrales and we may well have got ourselves banned at the end of the evening for singing the hash hymn ”in a residential area”!

 Kindergarten Cop


Hash No:          1050
Date:                Monday 18th August 2008
Location:          Fuengirola Castle/Campo area
Hares:              Shaggi/Up yer bum
Shaggy‘s explanation of the Run included the comment that the first half was three quarters! Thereafter we travelled the big, dusty tracks around the periphery of Fuengirola. I didn‘t enjoy it but the average score was around 7. However, the GM later explained to us the gist of a telephone conversation that he’d had that morning with Shaggy to the gist of ……

 “What, you’ve no beer organized! What, no crisps either and …. ..…..What,  you want me to buy them and use my pickup for the beer wagon as well!!!!”

After this, and at the urging of the GM, 2 Pies Knock Out Neptune, Hash Shit was duly awarded.

If there was any doubt about Hash Shit it was ultimately confirmed  when, 10 minutes into the Circle, first the security guards arrived and asked us to leave, it being a private car park, … then the Police arrived! So the Circle lasted about 15 minutes! Not so bad after all then.

Thereafter we repaired to Ringos for the usual best value possible ON ON on the Hash …

If you manage not to be molested by los gitanos!

 Kindergarten Cop



Hash No:          1049
Date:                Monday 11th August 2008
Location:          La Mairena
Hares:              Gangbang/Colonic Irrigation

Twenty or so hashers mustered at La Mairena a number well below our usual -  was it the hot summers evening that kept people away or was it the totally inadequate signposting from the N340. Either way the hares were blamed for both of the reasons and were duly punished with a down down. 

Anyway back to the report. Those of us who had passed the initiative test waited patiently for those others who may have not been so persistent, but finally gave up and called the starting circle 25 minutes after we were supposed to have left; only to be disturbed by the arrival of ex Grand Master and ex Grand Mattress, Flakey and Stiff Fanny having still not appreciated that bonking on a Monday afternoon does not get one to the hash on time.

 I digress – despite our jaundiced expectations the hash run took us through some delightful campo with views up the hills to Alhaurin and down to the med. One could wax poetical about these views but as I am not an out of work Real Estate broker I will not bother. A well marked trail took us down into the valley bottom only to take us back up again to the welcome beer stop where we enjoyed the amber nectar whilst we awaited the arrival of the back markers. Every hash since the Committees decision to always take a first aid pack has resulted in a veritable crop of accidents and injuries, this hash was no exception the latest being Trailer Trash who sprained his ankle when he stood on a loose stone on a loose stone campo path.  Those of us who could be mistaken as caring a damn made suitable noises and platitudes before evicting Colonic Irrigation from the beer wagon in favour of Trailer Trash for his free ride back to the cars. The second half was a carbon copy of the first , taking us down into the valley bottom and back up an unbelievable assault course to our cars and more beer.

 The run in general was considered to have been well laid and the right length for a hot summers evening and was awarded a spanking 8.75 ( am I ever to get rid of hash shit?) 

Due to the resident RA having set the run the circle was passed over to Flakey and Fender Bender who dished out retribution for misdemeanours to all and sundry but especially taking the golden opportunity to level the score with Colonic Irrigation.

 Afterwards we were guided to a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, I believe somewhere between La Mairena and La Cala where we enjoyed some of the best food experienced at an on on. Those who elected not to go missed a treat.

 A great hash evening for others to be measured by. 

Two Pies  

Hash No:          1048
Date:                Monday 4th August 2008
Location:          San Anton Church - Mijas
Hares:              Aphrodisiac

Bloody alarm clock did not go off again and the rush hour traffic around Mijas pueblo caused me to be late again!!!!  Hence I am hash scribe.

But what an honour it has turned out to be. Those who did not show for this run surely missed out, the start location was familiar (the old church) but the rest run and the scenery was  just fantastic.

The cheese eating cloggy Mr. “Aphrodisiac” did us proud and must have done a lot of reeccing to make this run work.

From the church we headed off into the campo along single track trail, for August the evening was not to hot, I am sure the locals knew it could only be crazy extranjero`s running at this time of the year. On On through beautiful Mijas country side, at a cunning check where I was sure that the hare would have taken us into what looked like an interesting gore and rock formation turned out to be wrong, and I was at the back of the pack which was not that bad as it gave me a chance to chat to all the slow bastards, Mr & Mrs “Messyfarty” and friends where the first people to chat with as they gasped for air, the ladies were perspiring profusely and the men sweated like pigs!!!

I was informed by “Dogs`y” that they had used this trail a few weeks back but it was all new to me. On up and after a huge hill came the “BS” sign where we were treated to melon, oranges and lashings of cold drinks, just grand it was!!

After quenching our thirst, order was called and Mr “Aphrodisiac” went into a long speech on the workings of the second half of the run, he tried to put us off by telling us it continued up over the road and into the adjoining  mountain side, this was a little to much for “Fender Bender” who did a major short cut and headed home down the next lane, we were joint on the second half of the run by Olly and his mate whom for some reason had already being running around the second half of the run (youth of today).

As we approached the road crossing “El Thid” appeared in an un marked car and took “Ginger minge” and his young daughter “Band aid” off, I think this may be worth mentioning to the Police in Portugal????? 

The second half of the run was also very enjoyable, along the mountain  ridge back under the Benalmadena – Mijas road onto single track trail and cleverly finding a trail back to the church. A Mark of 8.5 was given and I personally think it’s the best run this year, well done “Aphrodisiac”.

The circle was the usual fun affair with the GM “2 pies” ridiculing my good self for being slack with the hare line (A fair cop) and our RA “colonic irrigation” for crashing his car on the way to the run, “Dogsy” stood in and made some good charges, slagging “golden cascade” for lack of respect for the dishing out the run badges as if they were “bus tickets” and then got all the “twins” in for a drink!!! (you would have to be there).

The circle was closed and it was On On On to the “Fiesta bar” where a excellent meal was served up and washed down with copious amounts of vino. 

 I would like to finish with a few points: As “Colonic irrigation” was in fact last to arrive at the run site he should have done the hash sheet, but as he had a badly bruised (Fractured – broken) hand I took pity on him !! Colonic you owe me one!! And the Other thing is crashing cars!!! This use to be left to one man only on the Hash “EL Pulpo” who on a regular act unselfishness would crash his car either too or from the hash, I hope this does not boil over into some childish fight between you two on who should be the official “hash crash” .

 On On



Hash No:          1047
Date:                Monday 28th July 2008
Location:          Mijas golf Road - River bed
Hares:              Dipper/Karma


Run Score:        Score:              7 & 3 quarter pounders
 Hash No:          1046
Date:                Monday 21st July 2008
Location:          Mijas Village Run – Semi Live Run
Hare:                Hares: Salmonella Rushdie, with his sidekick Dogsy handling the beer, ice, restaurant (good choice by the way ... note the sarcasm)
Run Score:        Score:              7 & 3 quarter pounders

Here goes to my first attempt at the dubious honour of being a Hash Scribe. I have to say I am slightly nervous since I am usually pretty oblivious during the actual Hash itself and typically stick to the back with other fellow dodgy … I mean doggie Hashers, and am usually astounded by all the offences committed on the Hash. I am told I need to write about any interesting occurrences on the Hash and the Circle, which I shall attempt to do. I have also been told that stretching of the truth is also encouraged. I was advised to take a look at the MijasH3 website and that the one before last was the bench mark. Well that one was a weekend run and so I took the one before that, which were 1500 words!!! What the Beep? How the Beeping Beep am I going to fill that much space?

Since this was my first time ever looking at the website I decided I should read the Hash rules, of which I was completely unaware. One rule that particularly caught my interest is rule number 11: “Short-cutting is allowed. Being caught short cutting is a serious offence (see Rule 10). A short-cutter will be known as an SCB (Short Cutting Bastard).” It’s a bit like the rule in Singapore where you can chew gum but are not allowed to buy or sell it. A loophole if I ever saw one, one which somebody on this run is suspected of taking advantage of this. However, this hasher escaped punishment by our ever vigilant Colonic Irrigation Device. He was obviously intent on getting a crate of beer, which since this was a semi-live run, would be the prize that Salmonella, our Hare of the day, would have to cough up.

 Salmonella had previously set up some Falsie’s, On Backs and Checks in and around Mijas Village a few hours prior to the run. He got a 15 minute head-start and Rushdied off with his flour dropper thingy magiggy. There were there were various rumours going around that due to having run out of flour the white stuff we where following was some other unidentifiable substance. Was this supposed to be some kind of insentive? ... this is a Hash run, not a Coke run!

 While waiting the required 15 minutes we took the Hash photo after a brief skirmish between Ben & Spotted Dick (aka Dax). Our virgin, Simon, was invited to introduced himself to us all and soon after we scurried off in the direction that Salmonella had disappeared, however (Pig somebody) managed to incur an injury before even getting to the first bit of white stuff when he unceremoniously landed on his rump and scraped his arms in his attempt to save himself, drawing blood. Although his injuries are a pale comparison to the once that I managed to inflict on myself at last weeks Hash, evidence of which can be seen in last weeks photos if anybody is interested.  

It was a very pleasant run with lots of uphills & steps (first lot were 56 ... yes I counted them!) to challenge our gluteous maximus muscles. The views on the early part of the run where spectacular, although the waft of horse manure was rather rustic, and there was a lovely walk through a park with streams and such. Colonic Irrigation had his notebook and pen to hand to jot down punishable sins; you can see the intense dedication eminating from his eyes.  

When we eventually entered the village, from the back-end I might add which is only appropriate as many Hash names are about the back end of things, I bumped into some friends drinking beer at a roadside café and seeing as we had not yet found the beer stop I was sorely tempted to stay and find my way back later on. Now, had I known about rule number 11 I might have done that! Ahem … I’m joking … I would never do that … really your honours!

 After what seemed like an age, we got to the beer and pee stop. Salmonella set off again with the intrepid Hashers following soon after. We went up so many steps at this point I lost count! Beepit, why didn’t I know about rule number 11 before this? 

 All in all it was a good run, although the Hash dogs would have prefered more off-lead time, the village Spectators where enthralled by the sight of the many dogs, particularily the Spotted Duo, trotting alongside the sweaty runners and walkers. When the last Hasher staggered, I mean strolled back to the parking lot the circle was called by the GM and various anniversaries were acknowledged. 

5    runs      Gardener
45   runs     Colonic Irrigation
100 runs      Streaky
120 runs      Stiff Fanny’s Dick
200 runs      Karma Chameleon (he got a special twee gay mug in honour of this occiasion)
225 runs      Salmonella Rushdie

     Colonic Irrigation took over to cleanse us of our sins. Last week he was dressed in a priests outfit, this week he was a bullfighter with his golden balls on display. They looked so delicious that Pebbles, who is Rebecca & Salmonella’s doggie, jumped up to lick them.  

Fender Bender had to drink from the sleeve, which he did with his shirt off since he didn’t have a change of clothes for the on on. Various other hashers got cleansed of their sins by having to do a down down and there were many faces pulled at the quality and temperature of the beer. Colonic Irrigation had a wooden sword with him and at any excuse spanked his fellow hashers with such great glee that I wonder what goes on in the bedroom with Gang Bang. It was a certain Hashers 50th birthday and he got his birthday spanking … all 50! (I was told to stretch the truth …)

The Virgin, Simon,  was called into the circle and a challenge was given by Colonic Irrigation: each of the Hashers had to say their name and give their score for the Hash, after which Colonic Irrigation would choose at random 4 Hashers. If the Virgin could correctly remember all 4 Hashers names and the score they gave then he could chastise Colonic Irrigation, if he got any wrong then he would have to do 3 down downs. With absolutely no help whatsoever from other Hashers, the Virgin correctly guessed all 4 Hashers names and the scores they gave, however Colonic Irrigation used his RM powers to change the rules and they both did a down down.

 The votes were averaged out and a score of 7¾ was given to Salmonella. Having never done a town run I have no idea if this is a good score or not.

 Band Aid was called into the circle and was given some oversized sunglasses that were nearly the same size as her and kept falling off her cute freckled nose and she was obliged to down down 3 glasses of pop.

 After all was said and done 33 or the 36 Harriers & Harrierettes made their way to the on-on at Restaurante Osunillas. It was a good 30min before our food choice orders where taken where we had the choice of gazpatcho or fish flavoured water for starter & either pork chops or fish for main course. Dax & Pebbles enjoyed the gazpatcho very much & they enjoyed a few battered fish dinners swimming in water and thrice cooked vegetables too, which took 2hrs to arrive, but which time nearly half the table had gone home. The BBQ pork chops were apparently quite tasty though and the shop bought flan and ice-cream was delicious. After having arrived at the on-on at 9pm, we eventually finished our desserts at well past midnight! Dax, Pebbles, Ben & the other doggies thank the restaurant for their abysmal cooking that allowed them to eat so many Hashers dinners!

 I must have waffled on now for nearly 1,500 words and so I shall end here ... ON-ON … INTERPUS & SPOTTED DICK (aka DAX


1045-Septic Scrotum/Pert Arse
 Location - Torreblanca campo
On a far too hot Monday summer evening around 30 hashers gathered for the weekly excuse for a piss-up. But first the run. The usual complains from Tweetski Pie that we shouldn´t be running on "his land". The run started around 7:30. Not too much enthusiasm at first as we have run in this area lots recently. But, hold on, the hares had actually found some unhashed tracks! Lovely rock climbs, hidden valleys & a really good first half. Second half a bit tame but all-in-all a good run. Marks 8/10.

Short circle with Aphrodisiac showing an unhealthy interest in a flock of very attractive goats. Can´t comment on the meal as I feigned a head-ache but from the photos it looked like a lot of fun.

Can´t match Fender-bender for length so not going to try.

On-on Dogsy


Summer Camping Weekend
1043-Colonic Irrigation/Fender Bender
1044-Gangbang/ Gobble Gobble

 Location - Tarifa
(Camply Camping) Sorry but that was in-tent-ional

 Well, where do I start? So much went on and trying to remember it all, makes my brain hurt. So, if I miss out anything significant, please accept my apologies.

First of all, it was a superb weekend, so, many, many thanks to Colonic Irrigation and Gangbang, for the hours and hours of recce-ing and trips to Tarifa and general organisation, Knockout-Two Pies-Hash Shit-GM-Neptune, for all the work he put in, Stiff Fanny and Lilo Lil for all the fodder and preparation and so on and all the people who lent a hand with cooking and the myriad other well appreciated efforts, not forgetting everyone who turned up, to make the weekend a memorable one. Thank you one and all.


The weekend really got started at about lunchtime on Friday, although some had been there since the day before. Obviously, they had nothing better to do. But we knew it had started, because that was when the cock-ups started. Colonic Irrigation had block booked an area for about twenty tents, but when people arrived the reception allocated individual spaces, for billing purposes. Being smart enough to have booked a bungalow, some of us just stood back and watched the fracas. Imagine someone parking their car where your tent should be!!!! However the drama subsided, with the introduction of beer.

You may recall, that the theme for the Friday, was American Independence Day. About half a dozen Hashers had actually remembered and were rewarded with a free beer, for their efforts. Everyone else was rewarded with two free beers. However, one Hasher of note, who appears to have lost the plot of late, completely forgot, either, that he had prepared for the theme, or what day we were doing it on. July 4th is usually a bit of a give away, but more on that later.

The Friday afternoon passed with some of the later arrivals turning up, people going to the really superb beach and others, heroes who shall remain nameless, set off in search of ice and other such necessities. By the evening, most of the 40 odd (and I mean odd) participants had arrived, sorted their habitations, picnicked and the partying commenced.

A circle was called and our GM initiated registration. There being one virgin, Shagadelic’s Dad was called to the circle, to be introduced to the membership. However, realising the shortcomings of our Hash Shit, he dispensed with Two Pies and took control of the circle himself and proceeded to grill the assembled Hashers. Name, rank, number, reason for being here, what kind of parents gave you names like Septic Scrotum, Colonic Irrigation, Stiff Fanny, that sort of thing? Eventually K2PN regained control and doused him with warm beer. Registration over, let the games commence.

While I remember it, some of you may have noticed, that our Arch Dickin’s (aka Dipper’s) version of Americana, included a green plastic coronet or tiara, or whatever it is called, as worn by the statue of liberty. Coincidentally, the T Shirts for the camping weekend, which were either fully designed by, or at least partially designed by, said Arch Dickin, included a caricature of the statue of liberty. Is that taking the peas or just coincidence? However, not satisfied with stealing a march on his fellow Hashers, our Arch Dickin, syndicated the whole design of the garments, through one of his contacts in Wapping, (a small village on the north bank of the river Thames, between the Hamlets of Shoreditch and Limehouse,) Because the observant amongst you, especially those with no concept of literary value, could not help but notice, that the Sun “newspaper” on Monday, ran a front page headline, about some pop bird, who the youngest amongst you may recognise, which read, “Madonna’s Hanky Panky Yankee.” Now, is that weird, or is Dipper on an earner?

We had Dumb Arsed Ditch (Durch) Dummies HiFi, we had lights strung all over the camp, we had electric fans, we had electric kettles, we had all manner of electrical conveniences. What twat forgot to bring the electricity? You guessed it, there was no electrical plug point. Not to worry, it is a little known fact, that the middle name of every christened Hasher is “Larceny.” Where there is a will there is a way. “Let’s nick it from a bungalow.” So we did, and bungalow 27, the unofficial beer tent, accounted for 50% of Tarifa’s national grid. So we had much, quaffing of alcoholic beverage, dancing, music and all under the bright camp lights. Strangely enough, when it got dark, the ambience was greatly enhanced by the red glow, coming from bungalow 27. An extremely good evening was had by all and by about 0130 many had retired to their tents, to recover from the strains of travelling and the erection of our canvas ghetto. However, a few stalwarts gathered at the, red glowing, unofficial beer tent, which is probably why, we failed to notice, that some members of our entourage, were becoming increasingly irritated by a nearby bunch of Spanish campers who were still noisily partying, at about 3 to 3.30 am. The bravest of our group, who was nominated by all of his colleagues, who had big sticks and threatened him with violence, if he didn’t, went to complain. But when he entered the campsite to complain, guess what he saw? Speedbumps/Aureola!!!!!


Saturday started well, with the campers enjoying a superb breakfast. Anticipation was high within the camp.

The Hash was scheduled for four o clock, 1600 hrs to those of you with digital watches. So there was the opportunity for people to choose what they wanted to do. They could go to the beach and kite surf, they could go to any one of a dozen or more restaurants for lunch and libation, they could go to the pool and swim, or they could laze around the campsite and relax. Most chose to go to the nudist beach and inspect the Brazilians. However, Willy Wanker, chose to go to the nearest beach and sunbathe. How can anybody go sunbathing, in a long sleeved shirt, long trousers, a balaclava helmet and gloves? He even had his shoe laces undone. Willy Wanker can!!!!! Mork, however, decided to go sightseeing. He went to have a look at South Africa!!!!!! He saw, Table Mountain, the Transvaal, Thabo Mbeki and Nelson Mandela, fresh back from his birthday party, with a jar of Alka Seltzer in his hand. All of which, of course, can be seen from Tarifa. Personally, I think it was just the jar of Alka Seltzer, he thought, or wished he could see. Good job we didn’t go to Portugal, or he would probably have seen Sugar Loaf Mountain. More water with it, Mork.

While all this was going on, Colonic Irrigation, Gangbang, Gobble Gobble and your Scribe, set off to fulfil the desires of all those true Hashers who had come just to run. Now whilst setting this Hash and at the point when we were furthest up the big forested hill, Gobble Gobble, had a brainwave. She suddenly realised, why she was always so unstable, on a Hash. She now understood, why she was always falling over and bruising either her arse or her elbow. The problem is, both her legs are the same length. If one was shorter than the other, she would be more stable, on undulating terrain. The solution!!! Chop a bit off one of them!!! Armed with this sudden understanding of all her problems, she set about resolving the issue and thrust herself groundwards in the direction of a razor sharp rotting tree root, all the while being careful not to spill her bottle of water, or drop her bag of flour. Well, you wouldn’t want to incur an additional down down, would you? But alas!!! The offending bit of leg was still there, only now there was a gash in her knee, the size of Cheddar Gorge. Claret poured forth. In seconds, Colonic Irrigation was on the scene, “Stop bleeding, we will get iced for setting the trail in red.” With that and God only knows where from, he produced a wad of surgical tissue, (Did he know this was going to happen?) and applied it to the wound, saying, “Trust me, I’m a proctologist.” How were we going to secure this wad of tissue to Cheddar Gorge? In a moment of divine inspiration, he got his sock off, faster than Salmanella Rushdie’s shorts can come down, and proceeded to infect the wound. Good work Colonic, you saved the leg!!!! With that, Colonic and Gangbang continued setting the Hash and Gobble Gobble and your scribe set off on the slow painful trek back to the nearest car, and eventually the casualty department of Algecieras Hospital.

Many apologies for the lack of information immediately prior to the run, but we didn’t arrive back at the run site, until the circle was being called. Much frivolity ensued and the pack set off, with the added challenge of finding Gobble Gobble’s kneecap. The run traversed some stunning scenery and a variety of terrains, plus all the usual checks, check backs, (back checks, Flakey) split trails etc. etc, which never cease to impress and delight we Hashers. In addition there were many species of animals to view, alive and otherwise.

From the beer stop, the pack could be seen milling around, looking for any sign of flour, which had survived the appetites of those various species of animal. On one or two occasions, it appeared that the pack might just stumble into the beer stop, but fortunately the mobile phone ensured that the correct trail was followed. With one exception!!!! Trailer Trash and Alison, who had no intention of following the flour trail, set off in search of a secluded place, at which they could indulge in the sin of “Sex on the Hash.” Imagine their surprise when, said secluded place, turned out to be hiding four Hares and a number of coolboxes. They shuffled off back to the pack muttering something about, just wanting to show Alison the carcases of dead cows!!!!

I have a good idea what carcase he wanted to show her. Some say it’s dead!!!!

The second half of the run was a fairly easy run in. With the hot weather and the problems incurred during the setting of the Hash, we had little opportunity to make it any longer. We would have liked to, but we know you all like short second halves anyway.

The circle was held, back at the campsite. Knockout, Two Pies, Hash Shit, GM, Neptune assembled the circle, and in his role as Hash Shit led the scoring. His vindictiveness and sheer desire to unload the holy bogseat onto some other poor unsuspecting pair of shoulders, was evident as he awarded this truly magnificent Hash, with a score of 2 out of 10. The pack however was more generous and sympathetic and awarded many eight’s nine’s six’s seven point five’s and so on. The run was eventually deemed to be worth eleven point nine, or something like that.

Our GM then handed the circle over to the Arch Dickin, Dipper, who proceeded to shower as many people as possible with warm beer. Gobble Gobble was re-christened as Hobble Gobble, self explanatory really. The birthday boy’s were called to account for their advanced ages. Dumb Arsed Ditch (Durch) Dummy and Kindergarten Cop were both presented with birthday cakes. Check out the photos!!!!!! I don’t think Dumb Arse liked his, because we never saw his HiFi again.

Eventually the circle closed and Hashers were hosed down and reclothed in more sartorially elegant threads and off we went to the campsite restaurant, for the On On On’s. Now the Valparaiso it wasn’t, but we are Hashers and we have been to On On On’s before, we have read the book and most of us even have the T shirt. So even if we don’t want to, we know what to expect. Cold food, slow service, crap wine, we all know what it’s like, so what do we do about it? Do we moan to the poor sod who organised it and string him up, for not being clairvoyant? I think not!!!!! In fact I would like to make a suggestion for the next time it happens, because it will, again and again and again. Next time, we should gather up all the crap food and wine, put the GM, who is ultimately responsible for everything, (Hash Commandments 1 & 2) in a set of stocks, and sling the lot at him. Or maybe not, as he is looking to get someone else to take the Hash Shit. In fact forget I wrote that. Sorry Two Pies.

After the restaurant, it was back to the campsite where more of the amber, red and white nectar was consumed with music from a variety of sources, until shortly after midnight, when the camp security arrived to advise us that, now it was officially Sunday, we should switch off the music and gradually the camp fragmented into smaller groups.

At the unofficial beer tent, which by now had a small blue flame glowing above it, there were a dozen or so hashers chewing the fat, and with the assistance of copious amounts of various types of alcohol, all the world’s ills were systematically put to rights. You will be pleased to know that Bush has resigned, taking Brown with him, global warming has been reversed and taxes have been abolished. All of a sudden, the tranquillity of the night, was shattered by an ear piercing scream, there was wailing, sobbing, threats of death to the perpetrators, not to mention personal vivisection of their private parts. What could have happened? Some evil fiend had stolen Speedbumps/Aureola’s teacup Yorkshire Terrorist. “He was locked to the end of his lead, it would be impossible for him to escape, he has been stolen, some evil person has deliberately taken my dog.” At this point I should mention that, during this weekend, the Mijas Hash was ably assisted by it’s legion of regular and occasional, unsung Hashers, including, Blue, Robbie, Larson, Dirty Bitch (Kiera? Quiera? Whatever,) Jack, Dances with woofs (Summer) Enya (Where was Patch?) Capo, Beethoven, Socks and of course Speedbumps’ little teacup Yorkie, who’s name escapes me, and it had been nicked, purloined, kidnapped!!!!!!!

Off they (Shaggy and Speedbumps) went to remonstrate with any or all of the people currently resident on or visiting, Camping Paloma. So we all had another drink and thought nothing more about it, until we were interrupted by, bands of vigilantes, supported by Units of the Guardia Civil, the local and national police forces and several members of the Inquisition, storming around the campsite with torches and AK47’s searching every tent, caravan or bungalow they could find. They found it!!!! Guess where? Yep, in Speedbumps tent, where Shaggy’s Dad had put it. You couldn’t make it up really, could you?


Sunday started through a jaded mist, but once again a superb breakfast was on hand, to jumpstart us all into a hive of activity. Now the previous evening, during a moment of alcoholic inspiration, several non Hares decided that, “Sod all the preparation and reconnaissance that has gone on, we can’t have fella’s helping with or setting the traditionally Hariettes run.” So the male hares were told their services were no longer required and as Hobble Gobble was no longer capable of setting the run, new harriettes were appointed. Fortunately in the cold light of day they mostly forgot or didn’t get up in time. None the less, Shaggy stepped into the void left by Hobble Gobble. Colonic Irrigation however, fearful of being banished from setting the Hash he had put so much time and effort into, appeared in the camp dressed as Dame Edna Everage. Sorry, Edna’s much better looking than that. Anyway, seeing this bloke dressed up as a tart seemed to amuse many of our Spanish neighbours. Or maybe it was confuse. However, it had a rather enthusing effect on Flakey, as it spurred him into remembering that he had in fact brought an Americana outfit and he rushed off to his tent, to return a few minutes later in an Elvis suit. Elvis has now left the tent!!!! And his senses. Check out the pictures. All this terpsicor and muse, attracted Itchy and Scratchy’s new found friends, who couldn’t believe their eyes. Their schooling so far has not got as far “Hashers.”  They will understand soon, as soon as they lose their innocence.

Anyway, the Hash was set and eventually got underway. Shaggy, our replacement Harriette, elected to be a sweeper and got the whole pack completely lost. So everyone arrived at the beer stop from the wrong direction. The second half of this Hash was a gentle run through the dunes and along the beach, past the nudists, back to the campsite. So eventually, after stopping to swim and ogle, everyone did in fact arrive back.

Once back at camp, our trusty chefs and cooks began to prepare for the Paella. “When will we have the circle?” “When the Paella is under way.” With that Lilo Lil set fire to her arm and threw the Paella all over the floor!!!!! Never mind there was still too much to go around.

The circle was called, Shaggy’s Dad was christened, “Shaggadaddy,” Speedbumps was suitably chastised for her canine antics of the previous night, and warm beer was poured into as many Hashers as possible.

The remaining Paella was consumed and many tired campers headed Eastwards towards home.

I sincerely hope that anyone who I’ve picked on during this missive, has extremely broad shoulders, as I do not look forward to that much retribution.

On On,

Fender Bender.

 Most glaring error of the weekend. Dipper, having the T shirts printed with Hashes on Saturday 5th. and Sunday 7th. July.  Dipper, as

as just the jar of Alka Seltzer, he thought, or wished he could see.ka Seltzer in his hand. All of which svaal, Thabo Mbeki and Arch Dickin, I know you are a religious man, but I think Pope Gregory outranks you.  


Hash No 1042 -Monday 30th June
Flakey/Stiffanny - Location - El Coto


Hash No 1041 -Sunday 22nd June
Spermaid/Rubherturd Location - Valtocado

 The run was to start at 1800 sharp. That is about 1830 hashtime.

The GM was absent. We think he was at home sending out e-mails about a committee meeting he is thinking of having last month. The Grand Mattress was a hare, and therefore ineligible. So what were we to do? Have no fear, Flakey’s here. I mean to say, all that time it took getting rid of him and there he was back again. At least, with the old master back at the helm, we could look forward to a slick well managed circle…. Did you think that as well? He got just about everything wrong, from appointing the wrong scribe, forgetting the Hash Number, getting Gangbang and Gangplank mixed up. It was such a shambles, it was almost as if Two Pies was doing it himself. Colonic Irrigation said it had something to do with his Boxer’s Knees.

Anyway the run proceeded and in all honesty it was quite a good run. Excellent campo and not too long, bearing in mind the temperature. This time there was even a beer stop. Well done guys.

Flakey once again assembled the circle and continued to make a total Bolognese of the proceedings awarding 50th run mugs to Hog Nob and Gangplank instead of Gangbang. You would have thought that having just congratulated Gangplank on having achieved 250 runs, would have been a clue. One cock up preceded another as he then completely forgot to give the run any marks. The hole just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. Anyway, he handed over the proceedings to the RA. Colonic Irrigation, must have still been away on his holidays, because the Vicar of Dibley was standing in for him. This camp caricature of  an ecumenical figure wrought warm beer and damnation upon the entire congregation. Whilst ensuring that one particular visitor, will think long and hard before deciding to ever visit a hash again. The RA also issued an edict to all future Hares and insisted that blocks of Ice should be brought. As if Hares don’t already have enough to load into their cars. However would all GM’s, Grand Mattresses and acting GM’s please note that the blocks of ice are there fore their use also. Get that bloody RA before he has a chance to get us.

Anyway that’s about it. Next run is Flakey and Stiff Fanny’s Three Amigos Mexican Extravaganza. Anyone know a good scribe?

On On, Fender Bender.

PS. Notable absences:- Mummy’s Boy and Veuve Clitoe. Excuse!!!!!! By five thirty on a Sunday, they can’t find the bloody car, let alone the Hash site.

Hash No 1040 -Sunday 15th June
Hare Sparky/HMV
Location - Torreblanca

From the word go this promised to be a confrontational run. Hash Shit, Knockout Two Pies Neptune, sometimes known as GM, instigated the inquisition into why the run was starting at 1900, as this was previously the start time for August. Who altered the website? The oracle of knowledge and information, Dogsy, was threatened with the sack, until the inquisitors noticed the width of the smile on his face, at which point he was immediately reinstated and plied with, sherbet lemons, humbugs and a liquorice pipe. All this took place amidst a background of, “Slow down George, it doesn’t start till seven thirty,” and “Quick Dad it’s on now.”

The only certainty to emerge from this debacle was that, if it had started at midnight, Dipper and Gobichov would still have arrived five minutes late. What about arriving early???? Every good Hasher should give themselves ample time to prepare for the run, but, three hours!!!!!!!  Come on guys I know single digit numbers can be tricky, but if you get confused, I am sure Stiffita or even Blue could help you out. You know who you are and now everyone else does.

Our GM then, in an attempt to divert the public gaze from the Holy Bogseat, which adorned his neck, picked on a fine upstanding pillar of our society, who has a blemish free antecedence, with the exception of a mild tendency to short cut and in a democratic gesture, worthy of a titular despot, sentenced him to Hash Scribe in perpetuity. We’ll see about that!!! By the time you have all waded through this missive, there will probably be a petition, to reverse that decision. That is assuming any of you actually bother to read this. However, I have to ask, are these, the actions of an embittered and vindictive Hash Shit? Obviously, on the five occasions during the previous day, when Hash Shit prostrated himself eastwards in an attempt to cleans himself of the sins, which caused him to receive the magnanimous honour, at some point between reciting the third and fourth surahs, he failed to notice the itinerant, who crossed his path, passing wind and as such he failed to abort his prayers and re-ablute, so said prayers went unanswered and he is still custodian of the venerable receptical. Incidentally, did you know that the modern toilet seat, was invented and patented in 1878 by one Patrick O’Shaughnessy of County Kildare. It was however updated and improved in 1884 by, Thomas Smith of Doncaster, who added a hole. But I digress. Hash Shit, sorry I meant to say, our GM then attended to his other pre run  responsibilities before the pack set off on the run.

The run was elevated, from mediocrity to excellence, purely and simply by it’s comparison to the crap of the previous week. The more glaring errors, to be analysed a little later on. At the end of the run much guffawing and backslapping was witnessed from the proud as punch Hares, in the certain knowledge that everyone would be absolutely ecstatic about the quality of their run!!!!! However, beady eyes and furtive imaginations, not to mention downright wicked bastards, (you know who you are.) had been scrutinising the afternoons frivolity and put a completely different slant on what had gone on. For a start, did the Hares not know that, the world champion Short Cutting Bastard, Karma Chameleon, was taking part? If so, why did they leave so many glaring opportunities for him to almost completely avoid the real trail? In fact, that master of the shortcut, managed to reduce the run to about one fifth of its intended length. Also was it negligence, in that they managed to loose our Grand Mattress, that stalwart of the Hash, Spermaid, who could be seen from the beer stop, half way up a mountain, circumnavigating a council estate? Oops sorry, one of our Hares lives there!!! And then, the most heinous of crimes, the beer was warm!!!!!!

The more observant amongst us, could actually see two more cases of Green Mahou, being warmed up in the sun, behind Sparky’s car and that is without mentioning the rest of the beer and other types of refreshments, being barbecued inside the tailgate of the said car.

The run was marked and Knockout, Two Pies, GM, Hash Shit, Neptune then handed the circle over to the RA. Any of you who are still bothering to read this, will have noticed, that I didn’t mention the marks given. Sorry, I can’t remember. Another reason why I shouldn’t be Hash Scribe, lack of attention to detail and the memory span of a Guppy. I think the only thing which prevented them from inheriting the Khasi Cover, was the thickness of the superglue holding it to the GM’s neck. The RA, Colonic Irrigation. I don’t know whether or not any of you know, but Colonic and Gangbang are off on their hols this week. They’re going to Teneriffe. To me, that sounds a bit like someone who lives in Bognor, going to Littlehampton. Sorry Colonic, no analogy intended. Commiserations Gangbang. But let me tell you all what happened. Colonic said, “Where do you want to go, for a holiday sweetheart?” Gangbang replied, “I don’t give a shit where I go (Russian for I would go anywhere with you Darling) as long as I can take my X Box.” Now Colonic, who is a bit mutton, or is it thick, misheard this and thinking he was on a promise, frantically searched through the Blue Horizons catalogue, for somewhere he could get to in less than an hour. I don’t know why he didn’t go the whole hog and take her to Calahonda. Our RA took the circle and proceeded to produce a large block of ice. All that bloody warm beer we had to put up with and he had his own block of ice!!!!!!! Not wanting his nice new block of ice to get muddy or dirty, he attempted to put it on an upturned empty plastic milk crate. He couldn’t, until, into the circle leapt K2PNman who used his super powers and advanced intellect to show our RA how to turn the milk crate up the correct way, and everything was wonderful again. So now he is knockout, Two Pies, Hash Shit, Ernie, GM, Neptune. For God’s sake, don’t anyone mention Trigger. The RA invited Salmanela Rushdie to join him in the circle and to adopt a position on the ice. The pack called for skin. Do any of you think that, if Salmanela Rushdie was in a film and the script really called for it, he would keep his clothes on? Anyway, at the mention of skin, his shorts were off, quicker than a British Leyland walkout. Now some of you may be wondering what all this was about. Fear not, I will reveal all. On the previous afternoon, at a Hash not a million miles away, where Salmanela Rushdie was RA, our own RA was vilified by this man, on a similar block of ice. Now Salmanela failed to notice someone spilling a five gallon drum of beer and so, did not get the funnel out of his mouth in time. Yes, you could say he was……..well put it this way, if he’d been stopped on the way home, it would definitely have been a case of Good Afterble Cunsternoon. This inebriate attempted to get our RA’s name changed, until after many threats of physical violence to his person, he forgot what he was trying to do. So, in a nutshell retribution was taking place.

Next up was our celebrated Arch Dickin. Dipper was called to the ice for some form of disrespect, which again I can’t remember. The pack once again called for skin. Now this is a classic example of why you should always be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. We got it. Dipper, ever ready to oblige, dropped his shorts and positioned himself on the ice. That was the last we ever saw of the block of ice. I think it might have imploded. Gobychov, check his underwear and if at all possible, can we have our block of ice back?

Now all the while this was going on, there was the spectre of a modern day footpad, lurking around at the extremities of the circle. He appeared to be armed with a large cudgel a tyre iron and a clipboard. This vision of a 17th century press gang, was coercing members of the circle into setting runs. Those of us who were unfortunate enough, not to have received SAS training, quivered in our gaily coloured hash socks and offered up a date as far in the future as we thought we could get away with. But, I reckon the hareline must now stretch half way to the 2000th run. Some say he walks on water, but we know him as Flakey, and on that bombshell, back to the RA.

Colonic continued in his usual vindictively sadistic way, with his golden balls hanging like two large hernias and sentenced just about everyone to drink warm beer, as if we hadn’t had enough at the beer stop and pre circle. The GM then put pressure on the RA to reduce his verbal tirade, from three hours to two hours fifty minutes, as there was a definite possibility of the restaurant going out of business, before we got there. At least, I think that was why he had his foot on the RA’s windpipe.

So it ended there and everyone went off to the on on on’s. I didn’t, I had to go home and start this……  If any of you are confused by all this bullshit, just put it down to the ramblings of the terminally bewildered and old age.

Tune in again next week folks, to read the next instalment of why I shouldn’t be Hash Scribe.

This report was spellchecked by, The committee for the promulgation of vice and the eradication of virtue.


Fender Bender           


Hash No 1039
Hare Knockout 2 pies Neptune.
Location Half way between Coin and Alozaina. Rio Grande Valley

Oh dear!!!!! Not really much more to say about this fiasco. A few expletives come to mind, but that’s about all.

It was a really nice, very warm day. About 40 assorted Hashers turned up. The usual townies were there along with the hillbillies and there were even some of the shitkickers, who often cry off due to distance, but no one was prepared for the ballbreaker in store for them..

Our hare, who also masquerades as our GM, decided to ignore the fact that it was a very hot day and set a run of gargantuan proportions. He started off at the usual start point, but instead of using the assets of the valley and river bed, he sent us up a mountain, to an eventual beerstop at Guaro. Some say he merely reversed the thousandth run. He claims he did not set the run in his car, but if he didn’t then it merely reinforces the much held suspicion that he is not quite all there. Those of you who are sad enough to watch “forensic detectives,” on the discovery channel, will no doubt know, that it is possible to detect the trajectory of a gunshot, by the blood splatter from a wound, and any Hasher worth his or her salt, can detect the speed at which a blob of flour is  deposited by it’s own splatter mark. Anyway, the presence of three bridgestone tracks and one Dunlop, all over the trail, was a bit of a giveaway.

Even the Front Running Bastards eventually gave up running and after about two and a half hours we arrived at the beerstop. About an hour later the rest of the pack arrived and K2PN was despatched in the offending vehicle, to collect those poor souls who had given up or died of dehydration on route.

The second half was a choice between a WW and  a Hashers trail. Two Hashers actually chose the Hashers trail, probably because they didn’t hear that there was a WW trail, but well done Limp Toed and Strawberry Nips for persevering.. The rest of the pack, amid considerable cursing and many calls for the return of lynching set off on the long downward treck to the cars.

On arrival at the designated site of the circle, guess where K2PN was? No we didn’t know either. Apparently he had so much difficulty picking up waifs and strays that he didn’t arrive back until twenty minutes after the pack  Can you imagine thirty odd Hashers in various states of exhaustion and dehydration and no Hare or keypot.

 Eventually our Hare arrived back and as he was pretending to be a Hare, Mummies Boy stood in for him as GM and called the circle. The usual protocol was observed and virgins, visitors, returners and aniversarios were duly satiated and the circle was handed over to Golden Balls, aka Colonic Irrigation, aka the Large Anus, aka our RA, to cleans us of our sins. Some call him the Stagg!!! Now I know Colonic has been known to hold long circles but you don’t expect to run out of beer. Do you? Especially after having run out of water!!!!! Colonic in his usual sadistic manner, managed to pour copious amounts of warm beer down, just about everyone. There were even a number of sleeves, but the less said about that the better.

Guess what Knockout 2 Pies Neptune got? Yes you are quite right HASH SHIT!!!!! 

It is quite possible that our Hare realised what was going to happen, because he deliberately didn’t nominate a Scribe, “Don’t worry they will all forget.” But we couldn’t let that happen, could we?

 We didn’t go to the ON ON ON because it would probably have been demolished a year ago.

 On On, Fender Bender.



Run No 1038 - Mijas quarry
Hares- Trailer Trash/Shagadelic
We gathered 600 metres above sea-level for a chilly start to the run. A good turnout of about 40 runners started off with a huge climb to a view point over the coast. Lots of climbing & descending thru the trees led us to the beer stop in a clearing. The second half was up a steep mountain then down a steep mountain back to the beer stop. It was then a short walk back to the cars. (The SCB´s just walked back to the cars). Hugely enjoyable circle on a helicopter landing pad followed by an excellent meal at Sierra de mijas restaurant. For a change there was lots of singing & joke-telling. Aphrodisiac took almost 100 pictures to tell the tale of the run.
Marks 8.5/10 - Well done hares.


Run No 1037 - Estepona
Hare- Limp toed sloth



Run No 1036 - Mummies Boy 60th birthday hash
Hares- Flakey & MB



Run No 1034/5 Aracena weekend - Pan-Iberian Hash


Run No 1033 - Higueron


Hares - Tweetski/Put it in

As  another warm Sunday evening  jaunt was upon us . our merry band of hash house nutters decided to do it Russian style .

and I don’t mean with a tasty salad, a bowl of croutons. And a shop full of vodka !

 This time we were doing it the tweeekskie way !!!! 

The normal herd appeared with a more than normal contingent of campo folk, more virgins than a catholic nunnery  …and yet another invasion of female Russian sex bots .. yum yum  

Am I sorry that septic and tight arse were not there to enjoy the spectacle , erm well no , actually ……

 So tweesky (if that’s how you spell it ) described the Russian assault course we were about to navigate , and we were all promised an on on at the el higueron . and off we set ..

 Many checks , false trials , wild dogs and randomly appearing  ponies were had .

We were assaulted by several hairy bushes, many little pricks and a multitude of strange pussies and that was before the ON ON.

 The circle had its usual tumultuous dribble led by colonic and his golden balls

Several sleeves were given to cleanse many sins and salmonella rusty was sent underground (see pictures)

Ena  of the bright colored tracksuits was christened and was given the lovely name of Rub Her Twat which I am sure that she will be putting pen and paper together to tell all her family what a lovely new name she has’

 The on on was fortunately not at the el higueron and was an excellent Indian restaurant which not only provided excellent fare but weathered the hilarious and very loud sing song that dumb arse and dipper so eloquently led  

This was an excellent excellent hash throughout and was thoroughly enjoyed by almost all , I think  

The run was given a favorable  8.5 and was appreciated by all

Trailer Trash aka Pikey fka One Hung Low

 Ps… many thanks to our virgin visiting hasher Beena Patel for the great images she captured during the day and for  providing us with these  for everybodies enjoyment

Run No 1032 - Near Mijas Golf

Hares - Dipper

Points 8/10.


Run No 1031 - Above Mijas

Hares - Rub Her Turd and Sperm Aid

Points 6/10.

It was pissing down with rain on the Costa Del Sol, but quiet amazingly 34 hasher's turn up. They didn't know what's waiting ahead:

the respectable Mijas Hash , with their own one gay, turn to be a gay hash as all the virgins we had were two gays and one lesbian. Our own hash gay boy had his birthday on the day and was greeted by Stiffany with the sexy Kelvin Cline undies that suited his head perfectly. And after that the hell has started. The run took place in a beautiful place in the Mijas Pueblo mountains. Hares were  who kindly volunteered to do the run in a very short notice as Trailer Trash spat the dummy up again and refused to do the run, made us all pay for it. The hares put a lot of effort in making three runs instead of one (short, middle and long). BUT NO BEER STOP !!!! We are not in Malaysia, we are in Mijas and we can not do without BEER STOP. It' a NO-NO! (even when it's raining). Only one clever person did short run (Cradle Snatcher), the rest stupid bastards suffered from the lack of oxygen , sore knees and back aches as the first 45 minutes the run went up and up and up and up. The last half an hour was not that suffocating as it was a run down with a beautiful view ahead of you.

There was a bit of a confusion at the end of the run as 200 meter till the ON IN there was a BS sign on the road taking us to wrong direction.

As it happened Malaga Hash (Boooooooooooo) did run on Saturday on our territory and left their disgusting marks.

In total the HARES got 6 points for their effort.

The circle was held by Colonic and his golden balls. There were a few sins on the run : the most grave one was that one of the virgins only made 50 meters up the hill , but, positively looking ,decided to give up smoking. The main subject of the circle was homophobia (is it when people are afraid to leave home?) which entertain us for a good 40 min.

ON ON took place in the lovely restaurant on top of Mijas Pueblo with good food and alright wine for only 12 euros ( as I didn't go on ON ON I can only hope that people who told me about it were not too drunk)



Run No 1030 - Torreblanca

Hares - Dogs Bollox/Up yer bum

Points 8.5/10.




Run No 1029 - Los Boliches

Hares - Officers orifice & Tight arse 


Run No 1028

Hares - Streaky´s

 No pics/No report(n.b. Dumb Arse was nominated)

Run No 1027

Venue, the car park outside Calahonda Park.

Hares, Colonic Irrigation and Gangbang.

 Easter Bonnet/Bunny Hash 


It was a sunny day in Calahonda, with a chill wind in the air. At approximately 15.30 a juggernaught full of Russian Immigrants arrived to destroy the tranquillity of the day and deplete the stocks of Cruz Campo, even further than the previously assembled 30 – 40 Hashers could have hoped. The dreaded sound of “One Russian drinks, so all Russians drink” would have irreparably damaged the Costa Del Sol brewing industry. 

It was to be a notable day, celebrating many firsts. For a start, it was the first time Gangbang had ever been that old. She being the birthday girl. Far be it from me, to give out a girl’s age to all and sundry, but trust me, she doesn’t look it. Not any more anyway. It was also the first Hash Colonic Irrigation had ever set, bearing in mind that he has been swallowing our beer and enjoying our hospitality since mid August, shame on you Colonic. What other organisation would give you a nice name like that? It was also Gangbangs first real Hash, if you discount the pub crawl she and Flakey set in Los Boliches an eternity ago. It was a notable day also, for the array of Easter Bonnets and Bunnies. Could someone ask Gobble Gobble why her chicks were going quack? Bit of a biology error there, but then again it was Gobble Gobble. It was also notable in that for the first time we had more dogs than the dog hash. 

The GM of the day, our own Mummies Boy, assembled the circle and in time honoured tradition invited virgins and returners into the circle. This completely destroyed the circle, as there were more people in it, than out of it. How can Russia, albeit a large country, have that many virgins? Trailer Trash was frothing at the mouth!!!! The Hares were duly called into the circle and with the aid of a Collins English to Russian, Russian to English dictionary, Gangbang managed to upset everyone by suggesting that there was a check back with numbers (Shock Horror, not allowed on the Mijas Hash.) This was further exacerbated by Colonic Irrigation, with the aid of a Collins English to Stupid, Stupid to English dictionary, telling us that he had manufactured a flour dibber/dobber or whatever you wish to call the device, which deposited small arrows of flour, instead of blobs of flour. Other people are either employed or idle. Colonic Irrigation is obviously just sad. 

The “Run” eventually started and went through Calahonda Park. At the entrance of which was a sign which clearly stated, “NO PERROS.” Now bearing in mind that we had almost as many Dogs as Russians, thank God it didn’t say “NO RUSSIANS.”

Well done Colonic and Gangbang!!!!! After some very dubious checks and check backs, not to mention Leapy Lee’s little arrows, the route escalated to higher levels. Extremely higher levels. In fact it went up and up and up. Then it came to a very significant check. The correct route went even further up to where the air was extremely thin. In fact it was so difficult that, the only thing which kept everyone going was the sight of a short cutting bastard called Trailer Trash, short cutting all the way down to the motorway, where there was a False. The fact that the front running bastards, Gob and Spit, the Flemish twins, otherwise known as Itchy and Scratchy, (The Midgets) only improved the situation. Eventually the pack arrived at the beer stop. At this point Colonic and Gangbang were forgiven all previous sins, as copious amounts of champagne, dips, biscuits and all sorts of goodies were on offer. However, it should be noted that, despite previous written promises, that the midgets would be pre- fed, they still managed to displace at least their body weights of crisps. 

After the beer stop, the previously vicious but stunningly good terrain turned into a boring downhill trudge through a council estate. The smart money would suggest that Colonic was trying to combine his first Hash with his new venture into real estate. What better way to get 40 plus people to view nearly a thousand vacant properties.

 The pack gradually re-assembled at the car park, with everyone commenting on how disappointing the second half was, thank God.

More beer was poured into our visitors, virgins, and aniversarios and the run was duly marked. After much discussion and several fights, a mark of 7.5 was agreed. 7 for the signs from the N340 and 0.5 for the run. The circle was handed over to our RA’ness for the cleansing of our souls. Our RA then picked on that fine upstanding pillar of our hash and community, Fender Bender, who had done no more than suggest that short cutting bastards, including our RA, should be chastised. Various hashers were encouraged to purge themselves of a variety of sins, including Auriola and her friend Carlos who were forced to pay their penance in a compromising position for committing a crime, the nature of which escapes me for the moment. Dipper had obviously had his hands in the dip jars, probably up to his elbows, because his hands were so slippery that he dropped his “cock,” no fewer than three times. Three more drinks for Sheepshagger. Gobble Gobble was deemed to have the best Easter Bonnet and Aphrodisiac the worst. The quote of the day came from Gobichov. “Where have all these bloody Russians come from?”

 The entire ensemble then relocated, to a Chiringuito approximately 50 mtrs along the road, where the management had obviously heard of us and had taken the precaution of turfing out the general public. A good on on on was had by all. 

Well done Colonic and Gangbang, for organising a really good day. 

ON ON  Fender Bender


RUN 1026   16th March

Hare– Mork & Mindy ST PADDYS DAY




RUN 1025   9th March

Hare– Swiss roll
Rio Grande



Dog Run 2  8th March

Hare– Strawberries


Near La Cala Football Ground

RUN 1024   2nd March

Hare– Sparky YOB
Near La Cala Football Ground

Well, here I am again. I apologise to you all, because the first time it was quite novel, but to have to do it again so soon is a bit tedious and verging on laborious. I know you will all understand where I am coming from when I say that there is a degree of mismanagement in the organisation of the Hash, but the question is now begged, are the lunatics finally running the asylum? I ask this question, because, once again my Mummy was delegated to be the scribe. Now any of you whose eyes are focussed in similar orbits, will have no doubt noticed that my Mummy neither runs nor walks a Hash. She chats it. You will be totally aware that she is permanently at the back of the pack gassing to anyone who has been gifted with one or more functioning ears. Rumour has it that, on the 1000th run, she dislocated her jaw and anyone who has come to our house on a Monday, couldn’t help but notice her gob in a sling. As a result of this, she wouldn’t recognise flour if she tripped over it. Haven’t you ever noticed her glazed expression when the hare explains the run markings? So she said she was f&^%$d if she was going to write it. That left my Daddy, who didn’t do the run because he wasn’t well. Bloody hypochondriac.  So that leaves me again. Isn’t it always the same, responsibility always gravitates to the bottom of the food chain?

 So here goes, and I apologise for any inaccuracies, because the observant among you will have noticed that I didn’t do the run either. Organisation, my rear eye!!!

The circle was called and Mummies Boy was GM. There being no virgins or visitors, they are getting smart, aren’t they? The hare, Sparky TOB was called into the circle to explain what he had done. The pack got even uglier when he said there was a check back with numbers and some circle type things. The pack got uglier still when Sparky announced that the On On On’s would be at the 9 Dragons restaurant, that well known hostelry run by our friendly Costa Cantonese chums Sam and Ella. Still, thirteen of the thirty odd hashers said they would risk it.  Anyway, they set off at a snails pace up a long steep hill. A short time later they all appeared at the other side of the hill milling around looking for what appeared to be several tracks. Sparky, could be seen at the top of another hill jumping up and down waving his arms and shouting, “Not that way, that is the in trail, go the other way.”  It would appear that Sparky had managed to set a figure of 88 trail, which left just about everyone confused. The one saving grace was that, as a result of all the confusion, everyone stayed close together.

After the beer stop was much the same, and regardless of all the shouts of Hash Shit, the only real high spot was Gangbang falling on her rear eye. Sparky the old bastard got awarded 5.9 for that shambles. Money for old rope if you ask me.

 The down down’s proceeded and once again the Arch Dickon copped out and nominated Chronic Irritation to be the Large Anus. Actually my Daddy said his name was really Colonic Irrigation, but the thought of that made my rear eye go into spasm.

The large anus made my friend Titus sit in the mud, because he made a rude noise and disrespected the large anus. The large anus then proceeded to make just about everyone drink warm beer for some contrived reason or other. Some Russians had to drink beer, because they spent about four hours choosing some new Hash shoes and then refused to wear them. Sorry, but I can’t remember much more, anyway, I don’t care, the buck doesn’t even slow down here.

I can’t tell you anything about the On On On’s because my Mummy said we didn’t have enough medical insurance to risk it.

 On On,  Dances with woofs (oops does that contravene rule 6) Summer Norris aged 4 and threequarters


RUN 1023   24th February

Hares – Septic Scrotum

Location nr. Torremolinos Congress Centre, towards Los Pinares BBQ Area. Hare - Sceptic Scrotum.

A mottley collection of 14 Hardy Hashers arrived at the start to be introduced to Mummies Boy´s new virgin.Apparantly he had to go to Edinburgh to find one as they are now extinct on the Costa del Sol.
Most sensible Hashers had decided not to attend as the weather had been crap all week, but they were the losers, not ,of course forgetting the Mijas Missionary Hashers off in the Far East.
We were briefed by the hare not to expect to find too many “False” signs, as it would obvious to us all when the trail goes dead¡ Nice one Scrotum
We set off, under the Autovia, up into the mountains; what checks there were seemed to have no trails leading off at all, however after the whole pack (all 14 of us ) had wandered in wider and wider circles the new trails finally presented themselves; it certainly kept the pack together.
We made it to the Beer Stop, to be then directed thrú the rubbish tip (No good Hash should be without one) and off into a ravine heading towards Alhaurin de la Torre¡ only to cross over and double back via the Pipe Walk - traversing a cliff edge Shagadelic was ably assisted by two ( lecherous) gentlemen hashers, one holding her front and the other her rear,
A good run into the finish saw the Hare awarded 8.5 for his outstanding toil.
Flakey purged us of our sins, ( but not his ).Stiff Fanny announced that she was leaving for Australia the very next day.
Once upon a time you could be transported to Austalia for stealing a loaf of bread; how times change-------

On On Sparky TOB.

RUN 1020   3rd February

Hares – Willy wanker & dumb arse.

Rio Grande - The Aquarius Run

The Run began with the circle in the stones of the river, beneath the eucalyptus it was the only sunny place. Once the Run began we went up out on the track that we had entered  on, alongside the road for a spell until a particularly cunning Check Back had us going through a tunnel to get the the other side of the road. From there it was up and up and up, but through the most stunning scenery with the almond blossom at it best and all around. A sufficient number of splits and checks kept the pack together well. We were confused at one point by what appeared to be a check marking on a rock at the side of the trail. It turned out to be a painted on by the owner and nothing to do with us. It was at this point that we left the tracks and went off trail into the campo... Great! We arrived (most of us) at the Beer Stop in just short of an hour. In the shade here Sparky wandered off to get in the sun. As soon as he arrived in it a cloud came over. That`s life! After the beer stop there was a split trail missing and the pack had to ask the Hares for directions. The remainder of the trail was downhill and we finished up in the river. All of us finished up in the river! Some us actually tried to avoid this by staying on the same side as we knew the cars were on. We were able to get within 50 metres but at that point the way became impassable and those who did it had to wade through deep water getting our shorts wet! Life biting us on the bum again!
The hares were eventually given what was described as a good 8. The circle was taken for the first time by the virgin and deputy, deputy, Religious Adviser - Colonic Irrigation.
And particularly well if I may say so!
Kindergarden Cop


RUN 1018   20th January

Hares – 5 Mil



Well, that was the best hash I have ever been on. Loads of playing and very little running. There was a lovely river and I could run and swim and chase my ball for hours. Even the giant hasher, I think they call him "Titus" or something, he threw my ball for me. It was wonderful. My mummy was told to be the scribe. I think it was because she got rid of some hashish, or something like that, but my mummy has only got a rudimentary grasp of English, so she asked my Daddy to write it for her, but he said something in Russian, I think it was "Foogov" or something like that. Anyway my Mummy said it was just as well, because he couldn't remember anything after the beerstop. Anyway Mummy said I should write it.
The run started at about twenty past three. It went up a hill, along the top past two lots of bee hives, where Mummies Boy and my Daddy got stung and then it went down the hill to the beerstop. We got to the beerstop at about a quarter to four and strangely enough, even with it being so short, the hashers were strung out all over the hill. The hashers were all complaining about missing effs, whatever they are. I thought it was good, because I nearly didn't get shouted at. They also complained about there being very few crisps. Five Mil who was the Hare, said that he had bought five bags, but the two Midget Hashers, "Itchy" and "Scratchy" had four and a half bags.
After the beerstop, there was a ww trail and a hashers trail. The hashers trail lasted for about five minutes and the ww trail lasted about three minutes and we were all back at the cars at about four o clock. This was great, because the Venta wasn't booked till seven, so everyone had to hang around for ages and I got to play in the river again.
Five Mil said it wasn't his fault, because a man with a gun, stopped him from going on his land. I think the man was Russian, because he said "Foogov" as well. Anyway, I know what that is like, because my Daddy takes me on the golf course at night, and I was on the fourteenth green and right in the middle of it was a hole. How fortuitous, I thought just the place to deposit a darkie. Then a man with brightly checked legs and a funny hat, pointed what looked like a gun at me and I had to have it away on my heels, mid strain. Very uncomfortable especially when you can't see very well because your eyes are watering. But I digress. The circle was called and all the people said Five Mil was a bad boy and at least ten of them said he should get some hashish. Then they had a vote and it was unanimously decided that Five Mil should get the hashish my Mummy got rid of. They said he should get it because of the short run, the missing effs, the bee stings and the lack of crisps.
Dipper was in his element because he was able to spend about three hours in the circle with no one complaining or yawning and he made Colonic Irrigation and Gangbang drink beer, for not feeding the midgets.
It is a bit difficult to say any more about the down downs, because I was tied to the towbar on Mindy's car. The on on on's were at a local Venta, but it was past my bedtime so we went home.
Sorry about any spelling mistakes, but I am a dog and school was all about running over planks and through tunnels. A bit like hashing.
ON ON  Lone Woolf (Summer Norris aged 4 and a half)


RUN 1017   13th January -   Coin woods

Hares – Fender Bender/Gobble Gobble



RUN 1016   6th January -   La Cala

Hares – Karma & 2 Pies


A brand spanking new year saw some 46 hashers gathered in the hills above La Cala. The day was cool but sunny, redolent with the promise of Spring. A shrine to Sir Roy was placed in the Gathering Circle, and a minute’s silence was observed for Him and all other departed Hashers. Apologies for absence were received from Oxfam, currently Down Under. A book was opened on who would be next (Sparky YOB 11:4 on, place your bets with Hash Cash).

But a giant unspoken cloud hung over the assembled multitude; there were stares and whispers, renamings threatened. Do you remember where you were on 22nd November 1963 (in your respective Daddies’ bollocks, most of you), or when the first plane hit the twin towers in New York? Well, similarly, many hashers will remember the moment they first learned of The Great Infidelity. And there in our midst was one of The Great Perpetrators.

But I digress – the Hares deserve better. Virgins were introduced and the pack set off a traves campo, revisiting some old familiar haunts seldom seen nowadays, but all the more welcome for it. Some goodly checks, a bit of shagging in the bushes from Colonic and Gang Bang, then down near the football ground and finally into the tunnel. On and on thru’ the tunnel, and on, and on, torches illuminating hunched forms and clenched buttocks, then spurting, gushing, even, out onto the sunlit beach and into the welcoming caress of the Beer Stop.

The second half led us over more familiar territory, wriggling around a lot, and found a batch of the saddest wankers trespassing through private land and crawling under fences to gain the temptingly obvious cars.

In the Circle, the run was awarded 8 worthy marks. The RA was a paradigm of hashly virtue and wit, sins were cleansed and idiocies purged, a sermon on morality given, and Itchy and Scratchy duly christened. When one Adulterer drank, all Adulterers drank. Big Bitch and Hash Cash did not stay for the Circle, the cold weather did not agree with their delicate Scottish constitutions.

Then On over the road to the stables, where acceptable food was produced so slowly that some people were leaving by the time Your Scribe received her main course. Nonetheless, a good effort.  All in all, Sir Roy would have approved. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.

Your Scribe, Gobbichov.