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RUN REPORTS 2012 (1247-1259)(See Hash History Page for Years 2010 and previous years)

RUN number 1259- 1st July 2012

RUN number 1258- 24th June 2012 - Hares - Dipper & gobbi -   Mark  6.9

A 10.30 am meeting time for a run was always going to be difficult especially when you wake up at 10.25 am but having the GM as your sleeping partner it could be possible. Throwing on hash attire skipping breakfast and a speedy drive up the Coin road we made it there for 10.45. A group of visiting mountain bikers from the UK were standing at the start location and advised that they had not seen any “nutters” running around and they had just come down from Mijas so we set off up the dried river bed, after 10 minutes and no sign of flour we headed back to the start location only to find the mountain bikers were standing on the “Start” directions with a arrow pointing up the hill !!!

On On up the hill, and before we knew it we had reached the beer stop, apparently missing a long loop, just in time for refreshing breakfast drink of “Tinto Verano” being handed out by Gobichov.

It was great to see all the “Old” faces at the drink stop, “Up Yer Bum” and her ”Turd on a rope” , Lilo Lil was looking great, Clonic was looking like my double, with the extra grams I had put on!! quick chorus “Who eat all the pies who eat all the pies – You fat bastard you fat bastard you eat all the pies” Ooooooo I feel better now, Sorry Clonic I needed that.

The rest of the run had all the trademarks of a Dipper classic run, good checks, which made it an it an enjoyable run and a score of I think in the high 8`s Well done Amigo it was great being back and worth getting up for.

The Circle was a lot of Fun with the new the new GM and Yogi doing a brilliant job as Wayne Moonie, cant remember all the skits and Down Downs, the penalty shoot out against the Germans was worth a Match of the date repeat and ended in a fair 1 -1 draw.

On On On was at the refurbished 19th Hole. And a grand nose bag it was with the compulsory ½ bottle of wine. All was left was for a good Siesta on the sofa at home.

Well done Dipper and Gobi, great seeing everybody again and see you in a few weeks.


On On Forever, Sir Flakey.



RUN number 1257- 17th June 2012 - Hares - Sweet & Low Uncle Fester   Mark  6.9

We were “late Cummers” therefore I was made the scribe.  I am now sitting in front of an empty MAC screen trying to remember what happened!

I can’t tell you about the start of the run because I missed it.  However on examining one of the pictures of the start, I could see two pairs of new shoes that still need to be baptised.

The run….

We joined the pack just after the first check back.   The first half an hour we stayed on  trail more or less, but then disaster struck.  The trail that had been laid earlier in an empty car park had disappeared under a sea of metal.  After twenty minutes of lifting and crawling under cars there was still no sign of the trail.

I was asked in desperation to phone a friend (the hares) when someone shouted  ONON.  We found the beer stop under the trees, and close to the parking, where the hares must have enjoyed a wonderful view of the pack running around like idiots.

And then, like lemmings, we headed off once again towards the nudist beach.

I was looking forward to that part of the run because I had heard that there were particularly good views.  Unfortunately, the blobs of flour were so sparsely spread out in the dunes, it left little time to hangout on the beach, and left the ‘toms’ in the pack little time for peeping.  The trail had to be found, what a shame.

But another surprise awaited us: Meerkats.

Every time one of us called ONON a Meerkat popped out of its hiding place.  These shy creatures obviously thought that ONON was a mating call.

The environmentalists among us worried that we were disturbing nature and that the number of tissues we observed could indicate that they were nesting.

Jizzical decided to test this theory by fouling the trail and luring them out of their dens.  He was lucky! None of the Meerkats were interested or fast enough to catch him.

The Circle.


Doggy style 10 runs

Jizzial  80 runs

Sweet and Low 80 runs.

The hares were given 6.9 points in spite of the use of too much flour on the blobs and not enough on the trail, overall a good run,

Wide Open (The acting GM) punished Jizzical for volunteering her services to the circle but did a great job.  Aphro was called into the circle and unfairly accused of being a debtor by the RA.  He rightly denied the ‘charge’ as the record will show.

Sadly we had to wish bon voyage to Squeezy Shit as he was flying off to Dubai.

There were more charges but I can’t remember the details or read our illustrious RA’s scribble; he was obviously too distracted by meerkats while looking for camel toes.  There was something cold about the ice, Swiss had lost her only bra, someone had wet himself and the RA used his astounding wit and knowledge to quiz us about the difference about metaphors and similes.  Wide Open obliged.

The RA did not notice the fire in the circle, I think we need a new charge, as there is a general warning for forest fires at the moment.

The charge “fire in the circle” and fire during the run should be ICE or SLEEVE!

The ONON was a lovely.  A balmy evening spent on an empty beach sharing a picnic with a load of hashers.  Fantastic idea; well done hares.





RUN number 1256- 10th June 2012 - Hares - Yogi and Dipstick

Run Report: Instructions for use:

  • Put on the soundtrack of “Once Upon a Time in the West” by Ennio Morricone.

  • Prepare a shot of tequila.

  • Chew some peyote (optional).

The scene : A scorching desert. The bare and hostile earth is littered with tiny balls of mercury from exploding thermometers. Lizards are hiding under rocks and the natives are cowered in their wigwams to watch an ancient ritual ball-game on their magic eye. A mouth-organ solo bursts out in the background.

Suddenly, distorted by the heat rising from the desert floor a vague shape emerges... it approaches slowly and threateningly and transforms itself into many smaller shapes. Shapes that are emitting an distinctly eerie noise: “Oh, oh, oh..!” No, wait, it gets clearer now: “On, on, on!” No, it can't be.. the pace at which the shapes move is not possible under those conditions. Could it be? Could it possibly be??

Yes, it's the Mijas Hash!

Ok , let's cut the crap here; there's nothing lyrical about a bunch of Mad Dogs and Englishmen defying all common sense and running around in 35 degrees Centigrade (no, I don't know what that is in Fahrenheit, all measurements on this hash sheet will be in metric; including the ones of the spectacular Estonian blonde - ex miss Baltic States - that visited us today; do feel sorry if you missed her and her Latvian - runner-up – girl-friend: 92-60-90 and 95-60-90).

On top of that, the Hares for the day, Yogi Bear and Dipstick, had gone out of their way to find the one place on the coast that is totally devoid of trees: a vast building site, where millennial trees that had once been standing proud had been mercilessly cut, any remaining vestige of nature had been flattened and tarmacced and had then been abandoned.. in short, a fitting monument to the construction boom.

The 30-odd hashers gathered there, near the foot of the famous Moorish castle that scrutinizes every traveller on their way to Coin. A castle that has seen more history than Elephant Arse, more battles than Sceptic Scrotum and more romantic intrigue than Mummy's Boy.

Before the run, Colonic was actually trying to sell it to a passing Yank, who was thinking of shipping it over to his amusement park, but he was driving the bargain a bit too hard, so no sale.

In fact, the first part of the run took us right to the entrance of the castle, with the trail actually leading us up the stairs all the way to the mysterious and, some even say, haunted attic. Once Pussy and Wanted (our Hash blondes) had gone upstairs and effectively confirmed that it was a check-back we went down the hill again to become the victims of some massive trail confusion. Yours Truly can't actually report how this was resolved, as he then decided to just follow his nose towards the beer by himself. The pack arrived at the beer stop some 20 minutes later, looking much the worse for wear.

The second part of the run was, unbelievably, a run! The FRB's were actually able to stretch their legs and give it their all for the final length. There were even some trees here and there! Very enjoyable that last part – could the Hares (pretty) please keep the blue-prints and drawings to pass on to future Hares, thank you!


Return Knees: Itchy Pussy and Scratchy Fanny. They could finally be bothered to show up again, but only because the run started from their front-door; well, every run starts from their front door, really. Advantages of living in a Camper Van.

Car Category: Toxic Bollox. After last week's misadventures with his well-known plastic bag, he managed to lose it yet again. Only this time, apart from the wacky backy, his total monetary possessions (ˆ 3,26) and some dirty mags it also contained Stiff Fanny's car keys... Next week, a whip round will be held to provide him with a shopping trolley – much handier for carrying your stuff around in.

Another pumpion was Uncle Fester, who decided to leave his car keys in the car and then lock the door. His much better half, Sticky Tart, after spending a tiresome day on the beach then had to go off into Fwengeeroala to find a Scoucer to open the car for her. Didn't take her very long, fortunately.

Miscreants: Pussy galore was called out for swearing, which we do no longer condone on this hash. The R.A. therefore had to call this beslubbering knotty-pated mold-warp to order.

Baptisms: Sean No Name was called in to receive a Hash name. Bit difficult at first, but once you see a 2 meter tall, 135 kilogram hulk of a man sitting on a block of ice, there is only one thought that springs to mind: “Scrawny Scrotum”. Henceforth he will be known as such.

The rest of events, I am afraid, will be lost in the mists of time, along with my note-book that's sitting on a restaurant chair somewhere. Talking of restaurants, I actually found out that Wanted is a real blonde during the meal – no, not that way – but because she stated that “I will enjoy some of the forthcoming Olympics, especially the ice-skating...”

All in all, Yogi and Dipstick had done a great job, taking care of all the details. Yogi even went as far as to remove all kinds of excrement from the beer stop area with his loving hands. The same loving hands he used to cut the cake lovingly prepared by Wide Open which was heartily polished off by King Kanute and Colonic (enjoying a day off from his strenuous diet), who proclaimed it excellent - the rest of us haven't got a clue what it tasted like, but we'll take their word for it.

Nothing was left to chance; Yogi enquired about every item on the menu (“How do you prepare the chicken?” “We don't, we tell them straight off they are going to die!”) and made sure everything was A.O.K.

On on!

Just In


RUN number 1255- 3rd June 2012 - Hares - Dogsy & Mary Hinge - Mark 8.2

Summer is here with a vengeance,   the hashers gathered , about 28 plus a virgin male,  at 17hrs to have a bit of later start- reason being the heat, about 30 degrees in the shade.  

 very eager Stiffanny our  gran mattress started the circle  on the dot at 17hrs , must have been in honor of the  Royal Highness the Queens Elisabeth Jubilee celebration...

 I cant remember that we ever started  a hash on time, so here I am writing the run report for being late 2 minutes or 10 maybe more oh well...

The hairs Dogs bollocks and Mary hinge did Justice to yet another run , Big Macs kilometer counter marked 5.6k good length except for the heat, and no shade whats so ever not even for the BS  ,  hares were awarded 8.2 marks- 

Yogi our new RA ,I mean George Mooney, and he mooned most of the second half of the run!!! I wonder if he ever looked at his hairy ass??? its not a pretty sight!!!!! 

George Mooney cleansed us of our sins, poor toxic bolox ( the flasher), was Iced as usual (its becoming a habit every hash) this time with a bit of a twist, lost control, slid of the blue ice block and almost lost his tackle as it swung to the left and to the right on the blue ice.... very impresive!!!!!!

Up yer Bum was aworded a beer for 475 runs I must get a life!!!!

In honor of the Queen of England a Royal court was formed by our hashers, Sticky Tart the Queen likeness, the rest of the royal court representatives can be seen in the photo album of the hash run, well done George Mooney a good choice of  look a likes ha ha !!!!!

Not many turned up for the on on on, 8 hashers very sad !!!!!  Cant say more as I didn't go either.....

P.S. Note to hash flashes: No photos of hares or Up-yer-bum (475 runs)

On On
Up Yer Bum 



RUN number 1254- 27th May 2012 - Hares - Big Mac & Knut - Mark 7.9

It seems that recently appointed scribes have been unable to spare 5 minutes to provide a write up so I’m getting this tradition back on track with a summary of Big Mac and Knut’s run last Sunday.

The summer heat has arrived so the 5pm meet was a good call by the hares. Stiffany, our newly appointed GM opened proceedings but with no visitors or virgins the circle was brief and we were off. The first half of the run led us west, facing the sun but with a nice breeze to take the edge of the heat. Things improved further once we entered the shade of the pine trees alongside the Coin road. Hills had been promised and boy did we get a hill. Up through the forest with an invisible check leading to a viewpoint only the lucky FRB’s were able to appreciate. The rest of us saw them coming back and decided to give the VP a miss opting for the nice downhill towards where we hoped to find the beer stop.

Normally an FRB myself I’d decided to take it easy for this run due to my concern about the dogs overheating. Not having to do the false trails I often found myself leading the pack but kept getting over taken by someone shouting “make way, proper athlete coming through”. Of course I let him through, RubHerTurd’s athletic superiority meant I only did one false trail during the whole hash!

Despite very good markings some hashers managed to get lost and hadn’t arrived at the beer stop when we set off. A number of hashers ignored Big Mac’s plea to avoid the obvious short cuts home and to stick to the trail.

The circle kicked off with Stiffany calling order and warning anyone disrupting her circle would take a seat on an ominous looking block of ice containing some luminous green substance that could well have been Blue’s eliminations. Several hashers duly sat on the said block of ice for various misdemeanours.

Our new RA, Yogi, or the Rev. George Mooney as he shall be known in the circle took over to cleanse the hashers of their sins for the day. Anniversarios were:

Knut 35 runs

5 Knuckle Shuffle 20 runs

Gangbang 205 runs

Semen Staines 40 runs.

Big Mac was chastised for failing to promote his heritage and support the Scottish economy by not providing Tennants.

With it being Eurovision weekend look-a-likes were called in and performed songs that could easily have given the real performers a run for the money. Sweden was represented by Streaky. No Swedes present so a Dane had to do. The Russian Grannies acted as backing singers for Gangbangs song about Babushka’s. And 5Mil had the whole circle singing along with his rendition of Englebert Humperdinck’s “Please Release Me”.

Colonic was sleeved and iced for….bollocks, I can’t read my writing…looks like “pust oins”???

Colonic and gangbang for sex on the hash.

Gangbang for thinking that drink driving does not apply if you’re driving a moped!

The aforementioned shortcutters.

Aphrodisiac for his dog training skills. He does do a very impressive dog impression though!

Finally, Sperm Aid for entering a firing range in a bid to short cut.

The On On was held at the Venta Nacimiento but as I didn’t go I can’t comment.


On On

Jizzical Ferk

RUN number 1253- 20th May 2012 - AGM Run - Hares - Mummy & Pussy




RUN number 1252 - 13th May 2012 - Visit from London hash MOH3


RUN number no number - 6th May 2012 The unofficial Pan I Bear Ian hash Run mark: 7.5

At first impression La Cala de Mijas is a tranquil and pleasant spot, but beneath all that fluff and all those empty apartments in the hills things are a bit crook.

Chief Inspector Bear, aka Yogi, of  the Andalucia Anti-Drug Abuse and Sex unit brought in two specialists, John and Denise, from back in Old Blimey, for a free week in the sun if they would help sort out the mess in La Cala and neighboring Fuengirola. “Things” in general were not going well what with both Toxic and Up-Yur- Bum recently in the nick at the same time…for very different offenses; Toxic for causing a renter distress and annoyance and UYB for repetitive physical violence while drinking more than two beers at one go. (One of them is currently a semi-permanent house-guest of the friendly folks in Alhaurin until the leaves on the trees start to turn color.)

Aphrodisiac with Cradle Snatcher from the Dutch/England team, steamed into the fair grounds at La Cala with EA and Shmooski, USA/China, close on their heals, just short of 3:00 PM to find Juan Tit, UYB, Colonic, Gangbang, Mama Ruski, Yogi and the two consulting visitors.

Filling dead time Colonic, the ever-on entertainer, tried out his not so rusty raunchy Mandarin on Shmooski getting a good reaction.

(EA clearly didn’t know what Colonic had said and wished he had learned that.)

Cradle Snatch, the stand-in Gland Mistress, got things going by punishing Yogi for looking most like Salmonella Rushdie who had promised to show up but didn’t.

At 3:32 PM sharp the group, minus EA, set off on a trail that took too long to the beer stop on the promenade at La Cala beach. (EA was treated to a special dedicated trail that deliberately did not feature any hills or even slight rises in terrain ….to the BS.)

The first half seemed to have buggered most so the last half was deliberately short cutted by all. Shmooski  road back from the BS with Yogi. Upon arrival she got into EA’s car and practiced her manual transmission manipulation skills on the empty fair ground track until the Circle started …..draining most of the gasoline and causing EA severe worries of having enough to get to a petrol station later.

The Circle was pleasant in length with Colonic doing his usual best to entertain, also showing off his raunchy Chinese on Shmooski.

After the Circle, all but one headed on to Chez Yogi for a good BBQ adjourning just after 9:00 PM.

John and Shmooski took turns on the barbie and their cooking was excellent.

Colonic continued to show off his raunchy Chinese on Shmooski.

(EA continued to wonder why he hadn’t learned that in his almost 20 years in China.)

A very good afternoon and evening in La Cala thanks to Yogi and John.

P.S.: Seems the crook things were not sorted, just conveniently ignored.

CBOO (Cheers, Beers & On! On!),


RUN number 1251 - Sunday - 6th April 2012 - PAN IBERIAN Weekend


RUN number 1250 - Saturday - 5th May 2012 - PAN IBERIAN Weekend


RUN number 1249 - 29th April 2012

HARE - Jerry Can


RUN number 1248 - 22nd April 2012

HARES - Aphrodisiac/Seaman Stains


RUN number 1247 - 15th April 2012

HARES - Steff & Toxic

Aniversarios: Dipper 585 Up Your Bum  470 Stiffany 240 Jizzical Ferk 175 Just Say When 85 Clogg Dancer    25 Gardener  25 Count Picasso 10

One of the privileges of living on the decent end of the coast (as opposed to seedy, downmarket places like Fuengirola) is the pleasure of living in the close proximity of VIPs, celebrities and the “beautiful people” for which Marbella is rightly famous. Radio Kaka combines all these qualities in her gorgeous, voluptuous person. She also happens to be my neighbour (we shall not count the numerous speed bumps that separate us as they only add to the excitement) and has the grace to occasionally request my services as her private chauffeur. (My considerable talents at gardening and gamekeeping – not to mention DIY – are yet to be discovered!) So we set off on a beautiful, yet breezy day in my vintage limousine, Radio Kaka luxuriously leaning back on the leather seats, to enjoy another session of fun & frolics at that strange congregation of seedy Fuengiroleans, known as the Mijas Hash House Harriers.

Now Radio Kaka has plenty of qualities, as all red-blooded males at the Hash (and elsewhere) will agree. Sadly, giving directions is not one of them. Having written down the exact instructions from the website, I nevertheless allowed myself to be persuaded to follow Radio’s instructions, which turned out to be a load of Kaka and, having passed Fuengirola, led us onto the AP7, direction Calahonda ... at  ten minutes to three! I hope there are no speed cameras on the AP7! (Just out of curiosity ... what would the fine be for doing 180 kmh on the AP7...?)

Anyway, after that quick detour we duly arrived with the customary 15 minutes’ delay that distinguishes the blue-blooded aristocracy of Hashers. A circle was formed and two virgins were introduced (I do not recall their names, however I believe one was a plumber, who had recently repaired the waterworks of one of our female Hashers). After the mandatory jokes about stopcocks, blow lamps and large tools, our Hares, Stiffany and Toxic Bollocks, explained the run, and nearly 40 Hashers plus various dogs were finally let loose on the unsuspecting countryside of Mijas.

The first half of the run was a somewhat mixed bag, beautiful unspoilt countryside giving way to various half-finished urbanisations. Not too hard, and just one little creek tempting a few of us to wet ourselves, however the run went on ... and on ... and on ... until we reached a house, on top of which was installed a beautiful young girl with an enormous hose pipe (not sure which Hasher it belonged to...the hosepipe, not the girl), giving everyone an almighty squirt before allowing us to enter the courtyard and gorge ourselves on pink cava, cake and delicious fresh pineapple. Someone managed to grab the long schlong and returned the favour, giving the young lady on the roof a well-deserved hose-down, however it failed to make the desired impression, the young lady simply brushing it off and continuing with her home work and tapping away on her apparently water-proof iPhone. Suggestions of a Wet-T-shirt competition were not met with great enthusiasm, and soon we set off on the second half, which was mercifully short, even though not offering the most exciting scenery.

Having returned to the car park, a circle was formed and an impressive list of anniversaries announced by the GM. Then the RA took over, and in usual form proceeded to punish various Hashers for a dazzling array of sins. Since it was the Thai water festival (hence the squirting young lady) some Hashers had taken precautions, with our Belgian friend Aphrodisiac going rather over the top with what was aptly described as a full-body condom. It looked well-worn too and is apparently kept in the cellar, together with other bits & pieces...

Semen Stains meanwhile was sporting some very suspicious stains on the back of his trousers, which raise the question whether he should be renamed Kaka Stains? Obviously, spending a lot of time in the company of Radio Kaka rubs off, which I shall take as a warning. Speaking of Kaka, she bravely decided to have a stab at RA’ing herself, mainly I suspect to have an opportunity to poke fun at her faithful driver, dragging me into the circle and repeating all the private confessions I had made in the strictest confidence when I appeared on her radio show two days before. Unfortunately, Colonic seemed to have jinxed the session and the elements combined to give the poor girl a hard time... dark, menacing clouds, vicious gusts of wind, the elusive Kindergarten Cop suddenly appearing out of nowhere (he had gone off trail and got lost ... or so he told us) ... and worst of all the stocky, bulging, threatening shape of a man we suspected to be a member of the Serbian mafia, complaining we had disturbed his siesta and asking us to keep down the volume ... OR ELSE. The bulging shape in his shorts was correctly identified as a sub-automatic  machine gun, and we quickly (and as quietly as possible) wrapped up our circle of fun, before he could spray his load of ammunition all over us, and retreated to more welcoming sorroundings.

Stiffany proved to be the hostess with the moistest (I wrote ‘mostest’ but my Spellchecker thought otherwise), opening her beautiful home to us and putting on a Thai feast of epic proportions. Various starters, Satay chicken, Pad Thai, Red Curry, Green Curry, fruit salad....a gargantuan feast. Great fun was had by all, however even the best parties must come to an end. One Hasher decided to relieve himself over a palm tree, which we took as a cue to leave and return to the more civilised surroundings of Marbella, leaving the hard core of heavy-drinking Hashers to misbehave in Stiffany’s garden, while we thought of better ways to misbehave...

Toodle pip,

Count Picasso